True Love: Introducing a New Blog Series

I’ve been thinking about love for the last few months.

I know you’re sitting there thinking “Oh my god! I’ve been waiting for someone to talk about this topic!”  I know, it’s cutting edge stuff.

But here’s the deal; the world kind of… sucks – sometimes.

(No, I could not choose which punctuation to use there, thankyouverymuch)

And most of the time we don’t have the energy to deal with all the sucky parts so we turn off all our feeling parts and instead turn to distractions that take us out of the present and throw us into a nice numb world where nothing feels bad.  Nothing feels all that good, but that’s alright if it also gets rid of the bad.

In the World of Feelings, we have to deal with the fact that some of those things feel rough around the edges, or prickly, or stabby, or tear-my-heart-out-stab-it-with-an-arrow-and-throw-it-into-the-lava-pits-of-Mordor-y. 

But I think a lot of us forget that by turning off the Sucky, you turn off all the things that feel smoother than silk on your skin.  You turn off all the things that taste like devil’s-food cupcakes with raspberry filling and cream cheese frosting being served to you by Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon-Levitt wearing perfectly tailored suits and - *ahem* …where was I?

Sometimes, when you’ve spent so much time in the Land of the Sucky – or in No-Feelings Land – it’s hard to trust the Good Feelings when they come along.  You fear that if you trust them, they’ll just disappear again and it’s just so much easier to keep on being numb instead.  So you don’t invite the Good Feelings to your dinner table and instead, you just keep on keepin’ on. 

Wake up.  Drink coffee.  Go to work.  Come home.  Make dinner.  Zone out.  Go to sleep.  Repeat.

Meh. It’s not bad.

But –

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? You’ve got one life to live, Puddin’ Cup.  If you’re reading this, chances are, you’re somewhere in your 20’s or 30’s so even if you only live until you’re 70-years old, that’s a solid 40-50 years left of this bullshit.  Is “Meh” really all you want your life to be?

I’m not saying that you have to go out and start jumping out of airplanes or stealing submarines. (But seriously, who wants to go steal a submarine with me?)  It’s totally ok to lead a perfectly normal life – but just remember to experience your life.  It’s important to let yourself feel the good feelings, just as much as it’s important to feel the bad feelings.

So starting today, I’m beginning a new blog series.

I don’t know how often I’ll post, or how many I’ll post but posts there will be. Posts posts posts.

I often find that it’s easiest to reflect on the bad things in my life, so for the purposes of this blog series, I’m going to be focusing on good things – specifically – love.

Because when you get right down to it, love is pretty much everything. 

I won't just talk about romantic love.  I’ll tell you stories of times when I witnessed love manifest in a new couple and in a long-existent one.  I’ll tell you about times when I saw love pushed to the limit and times when it came easy.  I’ll tell you about times where love was weird and times when love was so sugary sweet you’ll need a root canal by the time you’re done reading.

And sometimes I'll just talk about this pile of kittens.

Love is more than just what happens with you and your significant other - it's realizing that someone is going to be ok when they haven't been for such a long time.  It's realizing you can look in the mirror and be happy with the face looking back at you.  It's the teeniest tiniest moments that stick with you through the decades.

It's called the True Love series.

Hopefully by sharing stories of the various manifestations of love I’ve witnessed it will help you to recognize similar times in your own life. 

If you have anything that you’d like to add to the conversation, just shoot me an email at thegrowupplan@yahoo.com.  Email me your own stories, questions, or anything that you feel would be worth talking about here.  You can also join in the conversation in the comments down below.

I’ll be posting the first story in the morning.  Stay tuned!

Hugs and Kisses,

Annie Jay

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

 Wow.  It’s been over a month since I last wrote something here!

I’d like to say that the reason that I haven’t posted anything new is just because I’ve been so ridiculously busy having fun and making waves in my life that I haven’t had time to think about this blog.

But that would be a lie.  I have mainly been unable to write anything that I thought was worth sharing.  I could write about being broke, I could write about how I feel like I'm going through some sort of transition in my personal behaviour, I could write about the potential love affair I almost had but that then turned awkward and weird... but all of those things just never felt right to write about or I couldn't wrap my head around them enough to explain what was going on.

Finally, I'm at a point where I have other stuff I want to write about - like sharing with you some of my plans and some of the things I've been ruminating on for the last few weeks.  But first, I just want to play a little game of catch-up.  

Because it is summer - and I have been having lots of fun.  Here are some picture highlights and quick captions from my last month:

June 22-24: Was a weekend of River!  The water was high as hell so we didn't get to go to some of my favorite places on the boat (because they were underwater) but we did an all-day/all-night river excursion on Saturday and spent Sunday floating above an island.

We were traveling super fast in this picture so it's all
kinds of blurry, but you get the idea!

Oh the muddy, muddy Mississippi

June 29-30:  A group of my friends went camping.  They were only about an hour away, so The Boss and I went up to visit them during the day.  As soon as we all arrived and as soon as everyone got their tents set up in poured rain.  After the rain stopped, we got to go tubing (some people call it "floating") on a flooded campground that had a river running through it.  We played on flooded playground equipment and even though I got a huge gash in my foot, I managed to not get dysentery.  And no one fried by the electrical transformers which were also flooded.

The campsite after we'd all been drenched with rain.

July 3-7: I had an awesome long holiday weekend.  Watched the fireworks on the 3rd.  Spent the 4th recovering from a night of drinking out of my "magic cup" that never held the same beverage twice and never went empty.  The 5th we went out on the river again and then we went out on the town that night. The 6th and 7th I spent recovering from the madness.

Definitely one of the best pictures ever taken of our rag-tag group (plus, we were right in front of where they
were doing the July 4th air show, so there's a pretty sweet airplane in the background)

My favorite group of party girls

When he's not busy carrying whole trees on his shoulders,
this boy likes to party with the girls (who can blame him,
did you see those hotties up there?)

July 12-14: A huge group of my friends went camping.  We drank something like three bottles of whisky/whiskey, 2 bottles of vodka and roughly 390 beers.  We went tubing on a nice, non-flooded river and I got to use my solo tent.  The weather was perfect so I didn't have to use my rain fly and was able to stare up at the stars all night long.  

Some of my favorite moments of the trip - 

• The first night was just a huge party where we were all happy to be there and to be with each other.  
• After roughly a million hours of drinking, our entire crew took a walk to the river where we stomped around in our non-swimming clothes and giggled a LOT.
• Falling asleep in my tent while admiring the endless stars above me.
• Tubing the next day - water, sunshine (well... a little bit of sunshine), beer and best friends, ahhh nice.
• The second night, sitting by the river at midnight, for hours, talking with some of my closest friends about some intense subjects and counting shooting stars.

And some of my favorite pictures...

My baby tent.  All screen = Soo many stars!

Playing in the river - beer in hand - backpack cooler - flashlight - giggles

This is what happens when I steal The Boss's camera

Those are some pasty, highly attractive SOBs

July 19-21:  We went to Chicago to celebrate Han's birthday.  We actually stayed in Rosemont on the outskirts of the city, so sadly I didn't actually get to go into the city - but we had a great time!  We went to an arcade filled with old school arcade games that were all set to free-play.  We played for hours.  We swam, went to the zoo and got heat exhaustion, but also saw some dinosaurs, and had a nice dinner at his aunt's house.

Because DINOSAURS

July 26-29:  One of my favorite coworkers/honorary little sisters got married Friday night.  It was a beautiful outdoor reception in the countryside.  She looked absolutely gorgeous and the weather was perfect.  Saturday, Sunday and Monday I spent time with my Swiss cousins who came to town!  More on this in a future post! It was the first time I'd met one of them and only the second time I'd met the other.  We had a great time together and enjoyed making jokes about weird things - like ice cream trucks driven by child molesters.

Aaaaand - that's about it!  So it's been a fun month.  I hope you're all having a great summer.

Much love,

Annie Jay

No Longer a Landlubber

Oh hi!

Remember how I wrote about that interview I was going to have?  Well, I got the promotion!

Big smiles :-D

*whew* So glad that is over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news - it's 86 degrees outside and I'm working when all I really really want to do is be here:

Either at Devil's Lake State Park in Baraboo, WI, or in a kayak, or both.

Or here:

Chillin' in the bow of Dixie on the Mighty Mississippi.
Even on a cloudy day, there's nowhere better to be.
(and yes, feet are gross, but this picture makes me happy anyway)

Or here:

Once again... Dixie with three of my favorite men after an all-day regata.

I've lived in a river town my entire life and I've always felt a connection to bodies of water - breathing is just easier when I'm near the river or my favorite lake.  As soon as I learned to drive I would often spend days sitting by the river and writing or reading.   Plus, I love to swim and play in the water.

But I never used to like actually going on the river in boats.  I actually used to have a terrible fear of being in any watercraft smaller than a yacht (not that I'd ever been in many of those).  I'm not kidding - I'd have full-blown panic attacks - hyperventillation, crying - all that jazz.

Like I said, I love to swim, and I'm actually quite good at it.  So the fear wasn't really about drowning or of the water itself.  The fear was about being thrown overboard, or capsizing and getting sucked under, or hurt somehow on my way into the water - I was afraid of something happening to make it so I'd be unable to swim myself to safety.

My mother, who had been witness to my fear on many occasions and who didn't want her water-loving daughter to live with such a handicap (bless her) thought it would be a great idea if we took mother/daughter canoeing lessons when I was 16 or 17 years old.

I was skeptical, but she invited her best friend and her daughters who were my best friends to join in the lessons with us.  I'm sure there must have been some other threats or bribes going on that made me agree to participate in the lessons - or it was simply a matter of pride for me since the other girls were joining us - but I agreed nonetheless.

Our first day, we met our instructor in the parking lot of a local marina.  He explained that we would just be paddling around the marina that day and wouldn't go into the actual river.  That didn't sound too bad to me because although the marina was deep, there would be a dock or shore near enough if my worst fears came true.

After we spent some time standing next to our canoes and learning how to paddle, it was time to get in and give it a try.  Mom and I lugged our canoe to the water.  She held the canoe in place while I tentatively stepped in.  I took my seat and did my best to stabilize the canoe with my paddle as Mom took her seat.

My heart raced and my breath started coming out in short gasps as we paddled into the middle of the marina.

"Keep calm, Ann." Mom said from her seat behind me.

"Shut up, Mom!" I yelled back at her, trying and failing to keep the panic at bay.  (This was at a tenuous time in our relationship, what with me being a teenager and all.)

We paddled some more.  I looked back and we were about 100 feet from the shore.

The next thing I knew, something was very wrong.  My hands were still on the paddle, but something was definitely very wrong.  My legs felt too free and my oxygen tasted too fishy.

I was in the water.

Of course I was in the water.

After what felt like three hours, I fought my way back to the surface.  I checked to make sure my mom wasn't drowning - she wasn't.  In fact, she had her head above water, an arm over the canoe and was simultaneously cussing and laughing.  I glared at her before I started swimming back to shore.  She laughed at me and I continued to swim on even though she was asking me to help her lug the canoe back to shore.

But at that point, I knew that I was right and she was wrong - watercraft were the devil and that class was stupid.  For the rest of the course (3-5 more sessions) I would be forced to go along with my mother but refused to get back in a canoe.  I would instead sit and read - and glare anytime she'd try to show me how much fun it was.

To this day, we disagree over who ended up tipping the canoe.  I blame her for paddling too hard, she blames me for being too fidgety.  But once again, I'm sure I'm right.

A couple of summers later, I ended up going camping with some friends.  That was when I was finally able to get into a canoe and actually enjoy myself.

Then, several years ago, my friend Mac started taking us out on the river in his dad's boat.  It still took all of the courage I had to get into the boat, but I started going and I started enjoying myself.  Then, a few years ago, Mac bought his own boat.

Mac and I have been friends for many years, so he knows two things about me:
1.) I get panicky in boats
2.) I'm a control freak.

So he took those two things and put them together.  The conclusion he came to was that I needed to learn how to drive the boat.

I'm not going to say that it totally fixed the fear - I still have to huddle in the back of the boat with my head buried in my lap if we're going to be going very fast - but it definitely helped!  Now that I understand exactly how the boat is supposed to move through the water and cut through the waves, I can understand what motions are normal and I'm able to recognize when there might be actual danger.

Thank the gods that I've learned to love going out on boats.  Now I can really enjoy the water I love so much. With kayaks I can explore hidden areas on the lakes I love so much, and with Dixie (Mac's boat) I can see areas of the river I never would have dreamed of before.

And this weekend I shall get to go out on the river for the first time this year!

Dixie's callin' my name!

I hope you all have your own amazing summer fun to look forward to this weekend!

Hugsnkisses,
Annie Jay

This Is Not a Real Post

Happy Wednesday, Friends!

I'm pretty sure we're all readers of The Bloggess around here.  

Here's her Mother's Day blog post.  

And here's just one perfect reason why she resonates with so many different kinds of people - 

"Celebrate the hell out of yourself.  You deserve it.  But you know who else deserves it?  ...The women who don’t want kids and have to listen to a bunch of bullshit about how you’re only worthwhile if you’ve pushed a human out of your vagina"

Thank you, Ms Lawson.  Thank you for fucking getting it.

I'm so tired of being treated like a second-class citizen because I'm 28, single, and childless.  My life has just as much meaning as the lives of the members of the cult of "mommies".  

I've said it before, it's not all mothers who treat single, childless women in this way - but to those of you who do - seriously, just stop.

The same thing goes for the cult of "my boyfriend is the best thing that ever happened to me and I will talk about nothing other than the inane things we do together and oh how I wish you could find the happiness that we have.  Yes I had to remind him to flush the toilet, and teach him how to peel an apple today, but other than that, it's just a really great relationship!"  Seriously, if that is what supposedly great relationships are supposed to be like, no thanks!

To all my single, childless friends - let's go do awesome things on our own this weekend and make all these ladies jealous of our independence!

Hugs n kisses,
Annie Jay

PS to anyone who thinks "Oh, she's just bitter and jealous".  Yeah, no.  No I'm not.  I'm not jealous that as soon as you found a sub-standard boyfriend or had a child you began to feel like you had achieved your life's goals.  I'm not willing to settle for a person who is anything less than exactly the awesomeness level that I deserve.  And even once I've found him, I have other things that will keep me pushing my life to be freaking awesome.  xoxo

Why Suffer When You Don't Have To?

I love this time of year.  The sun, the soft grass, the temperature – I pretty much become addicted to the outdoors.

Unfortunately, I have really bad allergies.  I know there are people out there who have worse allergies, but being allergic to just about everything outdoors plus dogs, cats, dust and mold…well… let’s just say, allergies are a major part of my life.  Even as I type this I can hear a wheeze in my chest and my eyes are itching like crazy.  I was first diagnosed with allergies when I was around 12 years old and have been learning how to handle them ever since.

I never used to be very good at maintaining my allergies; I’d sleep next to an open window; I would ignore chores like dusting and vacuuming; I’d go ATVing on dusty trails; and I’d play outside all day and go to bed without showering the pollen off.  Hell, I’d even forget to take my daily allergy medicine and would let myself suffer instead.  One summer I got pink eye at least 10 times. (If you ever take your eyes for granted, a summer like that one will really really make you value them!)

After 16 years, I’ve finally let go of the denial and have learned what to do to maintain my symptoms.  I’ve learned that I can enjoy the outdoors without getting myself super sick in the meantime by remembering a few simple things.  I religiously take my allergy medicine; keep my windows closed on high pollen days; wear sunglasses to avoid getting allergens in my eyes; avoid eye makeup on the really bad days; and I change my clothes or shower as soon as possible after a day outside. 

Sometimes you have to put in a little extra
effort to be where you want to be.

Remembering to do these very simple things has allowed me to enjoy my love for nature but not have to pay for it the next day. Sure, sometimes it’s a pain in the neck to have to fit a shower into my evening routine (naturally curly hair does not ever look good when it’s been slept on, least of all if it’s been slept on when wet) or to dust and vacuum every other day – but I know the work is worth it in the long run.

Because I have become proactive, my misery has eased.

The same principle can be applied to living a contented life. 

I can choose to sit back and complain about what’s wrong, or I can take steps to actively improve my outlook.

If you aren’t happy, take some time today to really think about why.  Is the problem something that you can fix? If you can fix it, what do you need to do?  If you can’t fix the problem, can you find a way to live with it and change the way you react to or think about the problem?  If you can’t find a way to live with it, then there is a way to fix it, you will probably just have to look a little harder. 

Nothing in your life is completely outside of your control.  Do research.  Make a plan.  Set a goal. 

Most importantly – Take action!

As I’ve said in the past, sometimes I really suck at being an adult, so I know some things are going to be difficult.  If you need support, I’m here for you and would be happy to listen or give you a boost up.  We’re all living the same life in different ways; we can help each other to live better.

Today, I love you.  Today, I know you are capable of working for a life without misery.

Hugs n kisses,

Annie Jay

It's a Beautiful Life

Well, hello there!

I've been a bit on the silent side of blog land lately.  Please rest assured, that it's actually for mostly good reasons.  I'm going to tell you all about them in a rambly, cloudy kind of way, so I hope you follow along ;-p

As you know, I moved. It was stressful at a time when stress was just about the only thing I had going on in my life. 

You may also be aware that I had a bit of a startling realization a few weeks ago.

Precisely two days later, I had an emotional breakdown in my doctor's office when I went in for a mostly routine exam.  

BTW - I'm spectacularly healthy, it turns out. I realize the timing of my disappearance and pending doctor's appointment was probably quite terrible to those I don't talk to all the time.  It appears my only health concern was my inability to productively deal with stress for the better part of the last two years.

That night, I talked to Francesca about it, and she helped to set my mind at ease.  If you don't have a Francesca, I implore you to please obtain one.  A level-headed BFF is just what every woman needs.  The next day, even though some things still hurt, I was feeling better about life in general.

Precisely four days after that was my birthday.  It being a Wednesday night, my actual birthday celebration was laid back - dinner with Mom and Dad, and visiting Francesca at the Rainbow with Bubbles and Mr. Tight Pants for a drink. That Friday night though, I cut loose and ended up having one of the best birthdays of my adult life - Just me and a group of friends, getting pizza and hitting up a couple of my favorite bars.  I woke up feeling like death, but very much loved.

And ever since then, life has been getting amazing.

See, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been doing those things that I used to do but somehow lost along the way.  I've been taking pictures, I've been writing, I've been reading.  I've been walking and exploring - and allowing myself to hope again.  I've been working my ass off at work and have been feeling the rewards - I'm buzzing with anticipation for good things that I hope are on the horizon for me.

I do find myself worrying - after a year of depression and anxiety - is this all a lie?  I wrote about it to my lovely Gracie the other day.  I told her that the happiness I've been feeling lately scares me a little - is this happiness and peace just a lie?  I suppose it would be easy to see it that way if I tried to convince myself that happiness is a constant and forgot that life is ups and downs.  Happiness is attainable - but it will occasionally hide away.  I just hope I can hold on to it and enjoy it for a longer span of time right now.

So even though I'm afraid of losing the good feelings - losing the peace - I'm not going to let that fear take hold and keep me from enjoying the peace and happiness I'm feeling right now.

I'm even letting myself consider the idea of romance again.  And by that - I mean I think I'm ready for that dive in head first kind of romance that's illogical and painful and probably a bit dangerous but can be so incredibly beautiful that it makes the scary parts even seem less scary.

The other day when Herbert and I took a walk by the river, we got into deep conversations about love and expectations.  I realized how silly my last serious relationship had been - A year into the relationship, there were not only warning signs, but flashing DANGER lights that we'd both chosen to ignore because neither of us wanted to be the bad guy and finally end things.  After those lights started flashing, it took me two more years of diffidence before I got up the courage to finally do what had to be done.  

I definitely deserve to live my life with a passion deeper than mere resentful tolerance.

And I'm taking the same stance with other relationships in my life.  I've begun limiting my exposure to the relationships which do not bring out the best in me.  I know I have my fair share of blame in how things in my life turn out, but I don't need to punish myself by allowing in more negativity more than I have to.  I want to be the Sword of Gryffindor and take in only that which makes me stronger.

I feel like I forgot how to take action in the last year - like I forgot I had power within me to make things better.  But now, I have my ideas before me and I just need to keep taking action - keep focusing on things that are within my control and how I can improve them.

Is it just me, or does it feel like change is in the air?

Much much love,
Annie Jay


PS - Lately I've also been thinking a lot about Kanye West and how I want to help make the world a better place.  I realize those two topics may seem mutually exclusive, but I promise, I'll explain soon. xoxoxo

PPS - Yes, I love my new apartment.  Life just feels easier here and I feel safer - the building's on lock down and the hallways are littered with cameras - I haven't even taken my sword out of its sheath since I moved in.  I didn't even realize just how unsafe I used to feel  until I started regularly walking around the new apartment with all of the lights turned off and wouldn't even feel a tingle of anxiety.  Plus, I wake up and go to sleep every night, surrounded by beauty - you can't help but feel happier when the aesthetics are exactly what you need.

PPPS - I didn't title this post until just now.  Now I'm going to have to buy a new copy of Ace of Base's album The Bridge because the one I got 20ish years ago is beyond readable.  Maybe I should bump my Ace of Base addiction into the 21st century and go digital....

The Tales of My Demise Are…Mostly Spot-On

In case you haven’t heard, I died last week.

At least it felt that way.

Although I had nowhere near the brush with death that Ash had last week (eegads!!) I felt like I was moments away from my first interview with the Grim Reaper. 

Influenza is a bitch.  Don’t get it.  It makes you feel like your arms and head and legs all want to be glued to the ground but your chest is all “We’ve gotta cough and jump and cough mothafuckaaaas!!”.

Influenza is a bitch especially when you are trying to finish packing for a move.

Thankfully, through the kindness and love of my amazing parents and wonderful friends, I was able to survive the week and get all moved into the new apartment.

I’ll be spending the next couple of days fully cleaning out the Barpartment, organizing (and perhaps naming? I’m up for suggestions!) the new homestead, and catching up on all of the blogs I missed last week in my DayQuil/NyQuil coma.

Hope you’re all doing splendidly!

Love and non-contagious kisses,

Annie Jay

Project Furniture Refurb!

So last night began Phase 1 of Project Furniture Refurb!

Let me first tell you the backstory of this little chair that I'm going to reupholster.  

When I was a teen, my mom liked to go to estate auctions and she got some totally sweet stuff for our house from those auctions, including my bad ass dresser which you can see the corner of in this picture:

I know, I'm sorry.  These are the pictures you get when
I choose to blog on my lunch break.  One day I'll be
a well-prepared blogger.

It is awesome and curvy and beautiful and it even has a secret drawer in it.  When mom brought it home and was cleaning it out we found a bunch of cool stuff in it.  Like a copy of the guy's will wherein he left his daughter only $5.  The previous owner of my dresser was awesome enough to not only have a dresser with a hidden drawer but he also was awesome enough to want to stick-it to his daughter with one of the best F-You's I've ever seen.

*ahem* 

Anyway.  

At that same auction, she bought my chair.  This, beautiful, beautiful beast:

Yes, I want the purple storage
ottoman and fainting couch too.

She hated it.  Mom always intended to recover the chair.  But in my 13-year old excitement, this was the coolest. fucking. chair. ever.

I told her I wanted it in my bedroom.  I thought its teal and olive swirl, shiny fabric was the most badass and romantic thing I'd ever seen.  So into my bedroom is went and there it stayed.  

Through countless moves to apartments and back to Mom and Dad's house the chair went with me wherever I went.  Until eventually, the last time I moved out, the chair was in too poor of a condition for me to let others use it.  So I left it in the basement of Mom and Dad's house for safe-keeping and for imagination to strike.

Last night, as soon as I got off work I trekked out to Mom and Dad's and talked to Mom about my plans to reupholster the chair.  Being my mother, and understanding her daughter's sometimes ill-conceived ideas, she tried to ground me in my pre-reupholstering excitement haze by relating to me stories of her own attempts at reupholstering in the past and how they had fared.

She knows that I like to ride on waves of excitement without thinking things through so she was being the realist that she is.  Being the heedless and headstrong person I am, I continued, undaunted.  I understand this will be a battle.  But I, like great generals before me, will march into this battle and fight tooth-and-nail until I have the most beautiful chair ever seen!  

So I gathered up my tools, say down by my chair and said a prayer to the upholstery gods that all would go well.  I petted the chair and told it I would take care of it.  I took a deep breath and began to strip the fabric off of it.

*GASP* It's like seeing your baby with its intestines hanging out of it.

Dad came downstairs and set in to helping me.  Whether it was to help me during this painful time of wounding my baby, or just to have a nice distraction for a Wednesday evening, I'll never know.  But together we stripped her back and sides and I began to plan for the next phase of the event.  

My fabric should be in by Friday, so hopefully within a week i'll have my darling all put back together and looking beautiful.  Pray for my darling chair as we undergo this daunting reconstruction.

Hugs n kisses,

Annie Jay

Just Gotta Say It

I got it!!! 

After a morning wherein I could focus on nothing other than the lack of an email telling me a decision on my apartment application, I finally just got the approval for my new apartment!!

I couldn't be more excited!  (Can you tell?)

Here's just a taste of what my new crib (yep, i said it) is going to look like:

This is a picture of the model apartment so expect my
actual home to look not so well-put together.

I have a feeling that the next month is going to fly by in a flurry of packing, refurbishing furniture, cleaning the Barpartment and repainting walls that I've riddled with nail holes.  (I'm so excited I actually almost typed "bullet holes".  No, no, just because I'm an American doesn't mean I stand around my apartment in assless chaps and a cowboy hat firing off my six-shooter and yelling "YEEHAAW!")  (And now that I've typed assless chaps I'm reminded about how I went to that motorcycle rally on Labor Day weekend and how excited I was to see assless chaps.)

Tonight starts Operation Chair Refurb.  This weekend I'll be moving on to sanding the finish off of the wooden furniture!

I hope you have a fantastic night, I know I will!

Much love,
Annie Jay

I Miss Smoking

Mmmmmmmm. Delicious.(Also, please let me know if this is
your picture, I couldn't find the source to credit it to)

It’s been around 5 months since I started quitting smoking cigarettes.  

At this point in time, I consider myself a nonsmoker. (YAY!)

Yes, I still have a puff or two if I’m out drinking, but I don’t count those because 1.) they almost always taste disgusting and, 2.) I think I’ll always allow myself a drag if I feel like I really can’t be without it – the stress of trying to completely say no to my urges is harder than having one puff and not enjoying it.  

Plus, my friends won't let me do more than take just one puff and sometimes they even deny me that.  Depending on the amount of alcohol I've had this either makes them amazingly awesome friends or the biggest dickfaces I've ever met.  When I'm sober I know it's a sign that we're growing up because we support each other in our attempts to kick the habit - it used to be that you'd say "Aww come on, it's just one drunken cigarette! You'll go back to quitting tomorrow!"

Which is just like what I do with heroin.  Just one little stick in the veins a week is ok, right?

That’s a joke.

We all know it's never just one stick with heroin.

Cigarette addiction not = Heroin addiction

Usually.

*ahem* Anyway...

The more time that passes I’m realizing more and more things that I miss about being a smoker.  If you’ve never been a smoker or if you didn’t smoke for a very long time or if you’re just, ya know, not me, maybe this list isn’t going to make any sense to you.  That’s ok, it makes sense to me.

Things I Miss About Smoking:

1. Having an excuse to stand outside in adverse weather conditions without people looking at you like you’re crazy.  I love to be outside in the rain or snow and I used to go outside for a smoke in order to enjoy the weather.  Now I’m just a freak standing in the snow/rain… not that that’s stopping me.
2. Having an excuse to roll my car window down in adverse weather conditions.  See above.
3. The Smoker's Patio.  I miss standing outside of bars and talking to people without having to shout over the noise of drunken frat boys playing Foosball or some half-cracked indie band trying to wow everyone with their lackadaisical tunes.  The Smoker's Patio outside of a bar is also a place where some of the best stunts and drunken hijinks take place.  At work, the smoke break is one of the best places to trade NSFW stories with coworkers.  Some of my best conversations have taken place and some of my best relationships have been formed on the Smoker’s Patio.
4. Giving uppity maafuckas that look.  Y'all know what I'm talking about.  You're standing outside having a smoke and some dickface walking by glares at you and fakes an obnoxiously loud cough.  You're obviously the scourge of the earth because you're smoking a cigarette.  You know cigarettes can kill you, right?  Obviously you're a dangerous maafucka and you should stop living and taking up space and resources that could be used by good people and kittens.  When I'd get that look, I'd smile my most "Yeah, I am that dangerous maafucka" smile at them (it's mostly in the eyes) and kind of shift my body in their direction.  Nothing, big.  Nothing threatening.  Just enough.  Just enough to make them think "Okay, I'm not gonna fuck with that chick.  I'd better go home and hug my babies and stop judging them based on their recreational activities.."
5. Smoking just looks cool.  I'm sorry.  I know.  I know.  In this day in age, we're not supposed to think smoking looks cool.  But it does.  It just fucking looks cool.  You're James Dean or Marilyn Monroe.  You're maafuckin President Obama.
6. Knowing what would kill me.  Lung cancer, emphysema, pneumonia.  All of those things were just waiting outside my door like "Hey, yo, we'll be there soon."  And I was all like "That's cool yo, I'll be waiting.  Just don't bring Dementia to the party."  Give me cancer, please don't take my mind from me.  None of the five billion diseases associated with smoking scare me half as much as the likelihood that I'm going to get Senile Dementia.  

So there are some things I miss about smoking. It's not everything.  Gods know it's impossible to put some of the feelings of withdrawal and "I'm losing my fucking mind" into words that other people can understand.  

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever stop missing smoking.  Probably.  Probably when it's been a longer span of time, or when I'm exposed to fewer people who smoke.

But just to remind myself, here's another list.

Things I Love About Not Smoking:

1. Asthma is less of a bitch. There's really no order to this list, I love all of these things in an indeterminate order.  Except this.  I love this SO much.  I can breathe.  Good gods - I. CAN. BREATHE.  Yes, it was stupid for an asthmatic to ever start smoking in the first place.  Yes I should've known better.  But I also started smoking to begin with so let's just stop those lectures right there.  Before I quit smoking I would have asthma attacks frequently.  But since I started quitting smoking, I've had only one asthma attack - in 5 months.  EFF YES.
2. Saving Money!  If I was crunched on money for a week I'd still have to make sure I set aside enough money for smokes.  Now, I am all like "Daaamn, look at all this mooooney!!"
3. Washing my hair less frequently.  (If you're not a girl, just skip this one.)  I already have dry curly hair.  The last thing hair like that needs it to be washed on a daily basis.  I used to stretch it for a couple of days but I knew that my hair was probably soaking up that cigarette stench faster than anything.  Now I can go a whole week without having to harsh out my hair with over-washing.
4. Singing.  I've been a singer since I was a little kid and my papa and I would go into the Music Room in our basement where all of his musical equipment was set up.  He'd play guitar, we'd both sing (to this day, this is one of my fondest memories).  I was in choir in school and extracurricular choirs from the time I was 7 or 8 until I quit school at 19.  I was a Soprano in high school and I lost my vocal range as soon as I started smoking.  I finally have it back! Now, when we go to the karaoke bar (which, let's face it is 1-2 times a week since Francesca works there) I don't have to hold myself back from singing certain songs that might be out of my range.  I even get complete strangers requesting that I sing certain songs for them and I don't have to turn them away.  I love to sing and I love the flexibility my vocal cords have once again!
5. I smell better.  And by that I mean my sense of smell is better.  Let's face it, with the allergies I have I am rarely able to smell anything, but since I've quit smoking I can actually smell things I never used to be able to.  Although there are times when this is not a positive change...
6. My purse isn't full of little tobacco flakes.  This is definitely something you won't understand if you're not a girl who has been a smoker.  But it used to be that any time I'd put anything in my purse it would come out with little tobacco leaves on it.  Cans of soda, pieces of mail, bottles of water, tissues - it'd all be covered in tobacco leaves.  Now, I can put anything in my purse and never have to worry about it picking up debris while it's in there.

There we have it!  I miss smoking - A LOT.  But I'm not about to forget all of the things I've gained now that I've quit.  

For those of you out there who still smoke, I feel ya and you've got no judgments from me.  In fact, you can expect to see me staring at you lustily every time you light up.

But if you want to quit - and yes, you really can't quit unless you really want to - I'm here for you.  We can stand outside in the snow/rain/hail and look like crazy people together.

Kissykissy,

Annie Jay

Step 1

I know a lot of people (yes, Mom, I’m talking about you) don’t understand why I called this blog The Grow-Up Plan.  If you’re a frequent reader you know that I typically write about drunken mishaps, failures in love and just sheer randomness. Sure, occasionally I’ll throw in some positive life advice for everyone, but that stuff is few and far between.

The reason I’ve named this blog The Grow-Up Plan, is because that’s what I’m trying to do.  I’m trying to learn who I am as an adult while simultaneously holding onto the whimsical, irresponsible side of my personality.  It’s just that sometimes, that’s the only side I listen to.

If I’m going to be completely honest, I have no idea what I'm doing.

I bet you've probably figured that out by now though, huh?

My ideas of how to navigate the waters of life aren’t any better than anyone else’s, and really, if you were hoping I’d be your savior who could point you to Happily Ever After, I suspect you’ve instead ended up with a drinking problem and possibly an STD or five. 

Sorry about that.

But I digress…

2012 was one of the roughest years of my adult life.  I've been floating in a state of limbo for the last nine or ten months and I think I’ve just figured that out in the last couple of weeks. 

The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

I keep reaching out, lashing out, stomping out - doing different things outside of myself, but somehow also pulling back, pulling myself in.  I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but I can't find any other way to say what I mean.

You know how people send those "Here are all of the awesome things we did this year!" letters with Christmas cards?  My parents have never really been the type to send those, and I'm not the kind of person to send Christmas cards, period.  But this year, I found myself wishing I had done enough stuff to warrant a "My year was awesome!" letter.

Why did I care?  These kinds of things have never mattered to me.

But I’ve finally figured it out – I’m feeling that way because I've been so lost, looking back, looking in, looking out - at everything that was just so wrong.  Like the kid who's teased by his older siblings and becomes the schoolyard bully for lack of anything else to do with all of that pain, I was hoping for something to show off.  I was hoping for some kind of bandaid to put over all of this listlessness and loneliness that would sparkle and make the world think I'd finally arrived.

Fucking hell, have I really become that person?

No.  I'm not that person.

Earlier today I was doing the dishes and I had a revelation.  You know how a while ago I wrote about Confidence Girl?  She is great, she really is.  

The problem with Confidence Girl?  She used to just be called Annie Jay.

I mean – goddamn – I hope this doesn’t sound too arrogant, but…

Annie Jay is a fucking badass, awesome chick.

I don't need some gimmick to make me feel strong and confident.  

I am those things.

But somewhere along the way, I forgot.  Somewhere along the way, I lost those feelings.  But now that I've remembered what was lost, I think I'll have a much easier time.

I’ve been spending so much time just killing time.  I’m so done with that. 

I’m going to start this weekend.  This weekend I will do things that make me happy and not just try to pass time and end the monotony. 

I’m going to get back to being the girl who focuses only on the positive and stop living in this land of negativity I’ve secluded myself within.  I’m going to get back to being the leader I once was.  I’m going to get back to being the active person I used to be.

I’m going to remember that I am the girl who got two black eyes when drunkenly walking into a street lamp on a company trip and got a promotion the next week.  That’s the kind of presence I have and I won’t let myself forget it again.

I’m maafuckin Annie Jay and I’m not about to let myself forget it again.

Kissykisses,

Anniy Jay