I
know a lot of people (yes, Mom, I’m talking about you) don’t understand why I
called this blog The Grow-Up Plan. If you’re a frequent reader you know
that I typically write about drunken mishaps, failures in love and just sheer
randomness. Sure, occasionally I’ll throw in some positive life advice for
everyone, but that stuff is few and far between.
The
reason I’ve named this blog The Grow-Up Plan, is because that’s what I’m trying
to do. I’m trying to learn who I am as
an adult while simultaneously holding onto the whimsical, irresponsible side of
my personality. It’s just that
sometimes, that’s the only side I listen to.
If
I’m going to be completely honest, I have no idea what I'm doing.
I
bet you've probably figured that out by now though, huh?
My
ideas of how to navigate the waters of life aren’t any better than anyone else’s,
and really, if you were hoping I’d be your savior who could point you to Happily
Ever After, I suspect you’ve instead ended up with a drinking problem and
possibly an STD or five.
Sorry
about that.
But
I digress…
2012
was one of the roughest years of my adult life. I've been floating in a
state of limbo for the last nine or ten months and I think I’ve just figured
that out in the last couple of weeks.
The
first step is admitting you have a problem, right?
I
keep reaching out, lashing out, stomping out - doing different things outside
of myself, but somehow also pulling back, pulling myself in. I'm sure
that doesn't make sense, but I can't find any other way to say what I mean.
You
know how people send those "Here are all of the awesome things we did this
year!" letters with Christmas cards? My parents have never really
been the type to send those, and I'm not the kind of person to send Christmas
cards, period. But this year, I found myself wishing I had done enough
stuff to warrant a "My year was awesome!" letter.
Why
did I care? These kinds of things have never
mattered to me.
But
I’ve finally figured it out – I’m feeling that way because I've been so lost,
looking back, looking in, looking out - at everything that was just so wrong.
Like the kid who's teased by his older siblings and becomes the
schoolyard bully for lack of anything else to do with all of that pain, I was
hoping for something to show off. I was hoping for some kind of
bandaid to put over all of this listlessness and loneliness that would sparkle
and make the world think I'd finally arrived.
Fucking
hell, have I really become that person?
No.
I'm not that person.
Earlier
today I was doing the dishes and I had a revelation. You know how a while
ago I wrote about Confidence Girl? She is great, she really is.
The
problem with Confidence Girl? She used to just be called Annie Jay.
I
mean – goddamn – I hope this doesn’t sound too arrogant, but…
Annie
Jay is a fucking badass, awesome chick.
I
don't need some gimmick to make me feel strong and confident.
I
am those things.
But
somewhere along the way, I forgot. Somewhere along the way, I lost those
feelings. But now that I've remembered
what was lost, I think I'll have a much easier time.
I’ve been spending so much
time just killing time. I’m so done
with that.
I’m going to start this
weekend. This weekend I will do things
that make me happy and not just try to pass time and end the monotony.
I’m going to get back to
being the girl who focuses only on the positive and stop living in this land of
negativity I’ve secluded myself within.
I’m going to get back to being the leader I once was. I’m going to get back to being the active
person I used to be.
I’m going to remember that
I am the girl who got two black eyes when drunkenly walking into a street lamp on
a company trip and got a promotion the next week. That’s the kind of presence I have and I won’t let myself forget
it again.
I’m maafuckin Annie Jay
and I’m not about to let myself forget it again.
Kissykisses,
Anniy Jay
Dude, I have to say, I would never peg you as being negative based on your blog entries. You're funny, witty and have a great personality - so much to be proud of. I just had a similar conversation with my boyfriend the other day and he had to remind me that it's good to be cognizant of where you want to improve but don't forget what you've done right, too. Those letters are crap and usually exaggerated. My grandma used to write ours for our family and 1: they were NEVER accurate and 2: pissed off most of the family. They were great.
ReplyDeleteThanks for saying that, obx. You know, I think I work very hard to only present my positive side to other people because I don't ever want to rain on anyone's parade. I think that can be said about a lot of people though. Some people are outwardly negative - the world as a whole is full of idiots in their minds, or the world is against them. Then there are others who think the world is great and hate themselves for not being able to use it in the best way possible.
DeleteAnd yeah, I usually get a good laugh at those letters. - even the ones that are genuine. I don't know why I was so put off about them this year.
It's great to put on that positive face but I know I relate really well to people when they open up and divulge their struggles and insecurities, too. On the flip side, its emotionally draining to be inundated with negative-nelly type people all the time (which I doubt is how you are at all). I'll bet you're more balanced than you think. ;)
DeleteI hate those letters too especially when it's like, so and so went to Ivy League institution to get their degree in blah blah blah and just got engaged to so and so and will be married while climbing Mt. Everest and has recently discovered a cure for fatness. Just SHUT UP!!!
What a bold, empowered post. It's good to remind yourself of your own badassery sometimes, because life can make you forget. :)
ReplyDeleteLife definitely did make me forget for a while. But I'm determined to make myself remember and not let go!
DeleteWhat do you mean I don't get it? I get that you are trying to find your place in the grown up world. I get that you are trying to become someone you can be proud of. I get that you like to have fun and that you can be a great leader. Yeah, I don't enjoy reading about some of the things you do - things any mother would not want to be privy to - but I get that those things are part of your life. Yeah, I need to stop reading when you start revealing some pretty personal things about yourself, but hey, I'm your mom! To me you will always be my sweet, innocent baby girl who curled up on the couch with me and vomited on me when she was sick and had temper tantrums that made her cry till the snot ran like a river from her nose. Those things were part of your grow up plan, too. I was there for those things, and I will always be there for you when you need me, but we can both agree that there are some life adventures that you need to wade through without me. And guess what? You are grown up enough to know which ones those are. I love you to pieces, my darling Peachy Pie.
ReplyDeleteSigned,
Mom
This made me teary.
DeleteOh Mom, you're just the greatest.
Delete