I know a lot of people (yes, Mom, I’m talking about you) don’t understand why I called this blog The Grow-Up Plan. If you’re a frequent reader you know that I typically write about drunken mishaps, failures in love and just sheer randomness. Sure, occasionally I’ll throw in some positive life advice for everyone, but that stuff is few and far between.
The reason I’ve named this blog The Grow-Up Plan, is because that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to learn who I am as an adult while simultaneously holding onto the whimsical, irresponsible side of my personality. It’s just that sometimes, that’s the only side I listen to.
If I’m going to be completely honest, I have no idea what I'm doing.
I bet you've probably figured that out by now though, huh?
My ideas of how to navigate the waters of life aren’t any better than anyone else’s, and really, if you were hoping I’d be your savior who could point you to Happily Ever After, I suspect you’ve instead ended up with a drinking problem and possibly an STD or five.
Sorry about that.
But I digress…
2012 was one of the roughest years of my adult life. I've been floating in a state of limbo for the last nine or ten months and I think I’ve just figured that out in the last couple of weeks.
The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?
I keep reaching out, lashing out, stomping out - doing different things outside of myself, but somehow also pulling back, pulling myself in. I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but I can't find any other way to say what I mean.
You know how people send those "Here are all of the awesome things we did this year!" letters with Christmas cards? My parents have never really been the type to send those, and I'm not the kind of person to send Christmas cards, period. But this year, I found myself wishing I had done enough stuff to warrant a "My year was awesome!" letter.
Why did I care? These kinds of things have never mattered to me.
But I’ve finally figured it out – I’m feeling that way because I've been so lost, looking back, looking in, looking out - at everything that was just so wrong. Like the kid who's teased by his older siblings and becomes the schoolyard bully for lack of anything else to do with all of that pain, I was hoping for something to show off. I was hoping for some kind of bandaid to put over all of this listlessness and loneliness that would sparkle and make the world think I'd finally arrived.
Fucking hell, have I really become that person?
No. I'm not that person.
Earlier today I was doing the dishes and I had a revelation. You know how a while ago I wrote about Confidence Girl? She is great, she really is.
The problem with Confidence Girl? She used to just be called Annie Jay.
I mean – goddamn – I hope this doesn’t sound too arrogant, but…
Annie Jay is a fucking badass, awesome chick.
I don't need some gimmick to make me feel strong and confident.
I am those things.
But somewhere along the way, I forgot. Somewhere along the way, I lost those feelings. But now that I've remembered what was lost, I think I'll have a much easier time.
I’ve been spending so much time just killing time. I’m so done with that.
I’m going to start this weekend. This weekend I will do things that make me happy and not just try to pass time and end the monotony.
I’m going to get back to being the girl who focuses only on the positive and stop living in this land of negativity I’ve secluded myself within. I’m going to get back to being the leader I once was. I’m going to get back to being the active person I used to be.
I’m going to remember that I am the girl who got two black eyes when drunkenly walking into a street lamp on a company trip and got a promotion the next week. That’s the kind of presence I have and I won’t let myself forget it again.
I’m maafuckin Annie Jay and I’m not about to let myself forget it again.