Catching Up

Just to take a step out of the land of serious blogging, I thought I'd give you all a little glimpse into the recent goings-on in my life.

WARNING: This post is going to be rambly!

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I moved!  Again.

As much as I loved my darling loft apartment with its exposed brick walls and the elevator and the little call-box thingy that I'd get to use to let people into the building, back in March/April I decided that I'd had enough of living alone.  I was tired of eating poorly, spending the majority of my income on rent/utilities and coming home to cold polished concrete floors and echoing 12-foot ceilings.

Around Memorial Day (end of May for my non-American readers) some of my closest friends found a newly refinished duplex for extremely reasonable rent that is just a block from my work.

I love it here.  Our house is spacious enough that even with four adults living here it never feels like we're on top of each other.  Our house was built in the 1890's but with the recent upkeep that was done I think it manages to look quite stylish, especially since all four of us like decorating.  (Come Christmas, we'll put the Griswolds to shame.)

I moved the last carload of stuff out of my old apartment at precisely 11:30pm on June 27th.

I woke up at 5:00am on June 28th, drove to my parents' house and then my dad, brother, and I drove to Chicago, caught a plane to Milan, Italy where we met my mother and boarded a train to Venice.

We did a whirlwind tour of Europe that included two nights in Venice; 5 nights in Switzerland staying with our family; 1 night in Germany; 1 night in Luxembourg; 1 night in Belgium; 1 night in Amiens, France; and 2 (or 3?) nights in Paris.  We also had dinner in Holland and visited Bruges for an afternoon. At least... I'm pretty sure that's how that all went.

It was an amazing experience that I'd love to talk on and on and on about right now, but I'll just post a bunch of pictures

Venice was beautiful.  I've kind of been saying I didn't think I ever needed to go back.
But looking at all of the pictures... I think I need to!

 

On the way to the top of Jungfraujoch in Switzerland.
Green grass, snowy peaks, and weird t-shirts.

At the top - low altitude is to blame for that facial expression.

The house in Bischofszell, Switzerland where my great-grandfather was born.

Celebrating the 4th of July with my cousins in Bischofszell.
Wearing an America on my chest and a Swiss flag on my head.
At least I represented!

Der Kindlifresserbrunnen (The Child-Eater) of Berne, Switzerland

We explored the ruins of an old castle in the German countryside.

Bruges, Belgium - I could have spent weeks exploring this town.

I got to explore the city on my own, so I made
sure to find my way to the canals.

Did I mention it was raining the whole time we were in Bruges? I was a pretty! 

It also rained most of the time we were in Paris - 

It was rainy and foggy - but that didn't stop me from going all the way - 

To the top of the Eiffel Tower!  I was the only one of my family brave
enough to tolerate the cold, wind, rain and fog for pictures of mist.

Our last day in Paris had beautiful weather. 

I walked all over and explored the city on my own.  It was amazing.

So many lovers have visited this bridge and locked their love to stay forever.

I met a surprise bicycle marathon as I was approaching l'Arc de Triomphe

Our last night in Paris ended with a sunset visit to Sacre Coeur in Montmarte.

I would go back to Paris, just to visit this church again.

Needless to say, June/July were a couple of crazy intense months for me.  As soon as I returned home from Europe I had to finish unpacking from my move.  Luckily, my roommates had done a lot of work in the weeks I was away, but we planned a house warming party for two weeks after I returned so the house needed to be in tip-top shape.

But we got it done! And we got a fully-stocked liquor cabinet as a result of the party... which I've already had to partially replenish...  I like making weird shots, it's a problem.

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Other than that, I've been camping, kayaking, swimming, boating, and getting up to all manner of other summer shenanigans.

Our house has become a meeting place for many of our friends since we're right in the heart of downtown and are within walking distance of everything.  I've always loved having a house full of people so it's a great situation for me.

*******

I'm still working on my book, though the behind-the-scene planning is still getting in the way of me doing much development with the story-line.  It's going place though, which is a wonderful feeling.  I got a lot of writing done in my downtime in Europe and hammered out a lot of the holes with the main character's back-story.

I estimate you'll see it on the shelves of your local bookseller (aka Amazon...) no later than the fall of 2030.

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So that's kind of a whirlwind tour of the big goings-on in my life.  A lot has changed, more has stayed the same.

I'm still struggling to figure out adulthood and asking myself really hard questions about what I want my future to look like while simultaneously recognizing that much of it is already here.

I hope you had a wonderful summer!

Is anyone else as excited for fall as I am?

Much love,
Annie Jay

Kayaking the Galena River in Illinois

I hope everyone had a wonderful Labor Day weekend! I took Friday off work as well so I ended up having a nice 4-day weekend.

My brother, Clockwork, came to town, which was very awesome.  Friday night we hung out at my apartment, watched Star Trek: The Next Generation and Red Dwarf.  So, basically, we occupied our Friday night exactly the way we occupied it when we were little kids.

Saturday, I went to Farmer's Market with my girlfriends first thing in the morning and got some delicious fresh produce.

Mmmmmmm

And from some of the above items, delicious peach-jalapeno salsa was made.  Tonight I'll be grilling up that corn because there is SO MUCH of it.  I'm also going to be cooking chicken and Mexican rice with the salsa and I'm going to try making coconut oil refried beans.  I'll let you know how it turns out!  (Or, if you're in town, you should probably just call me and come over for dinner.  You bring the beer.)

After Farmer's Market, I headed out to my parents house to make plans with Clockwork for the kayaking trip we planned to take that day.  Our parents let us use their kayaks and even shuttled us to Galena, IL where we met our uncle who was our guide on the Galena River.

Ok, so here's the point where I need to say the internet knows next to nothing about kayaking on the Galena River.  So I'm going to do a little instructional for people who want to know:

Put-ins on the Galena River:

Buckhill Bridge: Go to downtown Galena, drive all the way down the tourist section of Main Street until it becomes Dewey Ave.  Stay on Dewey Ave. until it becomes Buckhill Rd.  Stay on that until you come to a bridge that goes over what looks like a creek.  That is the Galena River.  On the far side of the bridge, there's a fiftyish-foot-long driveway that has a path that leads to a very primitive put-in.  (aka a couple of pallets tied together and anchored to the shore)

Galena Boat Landing: Alright, this one's pretty easy to get to since it's right in downtown Galena.  I'm not going to provide many details about this, but if you go to Depot park, you can drive under the bridge and get to the parking lot and put-in.

Ferry's Landing: This one's also harder to find.  From HWY 20, you'll turn onto Gear St (this is near McDonald's).  Take Gear St. all the way to S West St. and turn right.  S West St. becomes N Ferry Crossing Landing Rd. which you'll take all the way to the end.  The public put-in is pretty obvious once you're down there.

When we were planning the trip, we knew we had several trips to choose from.  From Buckhill to Galena takes about 2 hours.  From Galena to Ferry's Landing it takes about 2.5-3 hours.  From Buckhill to Ferry's Landing it's 10.5 miles and takes 4-5 hours.

Of course, we opted for the 10.5 mile trek.

One of the coolest things about the Galena River in Illinois is that it goes through historic downtown Galena, IL.  If you don't know much about Galena, you should definitely look at these pictures.  And plan a visit.  Then visit me.  It'll be fun.

The first 3.5 hours of the trip were great.  

Because the water was low, we didn't have much of a current to push us along, but we were content to paddle lazily.  We stopped just a couple of times so Clockwork could get out and investigate some ruined buildings along the river.  Uncle and I stayed in the kayaks and made friends with the ducks.

Quack quack!

Then we floated through downtown Galena.

Luckily I did not get a tan-line from my Vibrams.

We enjoyed the water and the quiet offered by the rural river.

Clocky and I talked about the writing we're both working on and the fun mythic worlds we're creating.

After that, it was all downhill.  

And by downhill I mean "Holy fuckballs why did we decide to paddle 10.5 miles on a river with little shade on a day that was easily 90+ degrees?"

Because of my allergies and asthma, I hate to be without water.  So I made sure to fill 6 water bottles for Clocky and I before we left home.  And since we'd be paddling throughout the afternoon, I also packed a shopping bag full of granola bars to take with us.

Luckily, the water bottles made it into the kayaks.  Unluckily, the granola bars stayed in the van we'd taken to the put-in.  Along with my sun hat.

So, three hours in, Clocky was hungry and I was baking in the sun.  But happily, our uncle, who is consistently in a good mood and is not easily shaken, kept us going.  As we got further down the river and came to a fork, I figured "We can't possibly be that much further from home."  That's when Uncle informed us we had at least another half hour to go.  

As Clocky brought up that he was hoping the end would be "just around the river bend" I of course (all concerns of being obnoxious having been completely cooked out of my brain by the heat) burst into my own spirited rendition of the song from Pocahontas.  And since I didn't have a drum to keep me rowing, I kept singing.

Finally, as we were rowing through buggy, marshy, log-ridden backwaters, I spied buildings up ahead and let out a cheer.  We had finally arrived.  The last 1000 feet of the trip were definitely the hardest of the whole thing because the end was in sight.

But in the end, I felt accomplished and happy that we'd done it :-)

Anyone else have fun misadventures on your Labor Day Weekend?

Much Love,

Annie Jay

The Tales of My Demise Are…Mostly Spot-On

In case you haven’t heard, I died last week.

At least it felt that way.

Although I had nowhere near the brush with death that Ash had last week (eegads!!) I felt like I was moments away from my first interview with the Grim Reaper. 

Influenza is a bitch.  Don’t get it.  It makes you feel like your arms and head and legs all want to be glued to the ground but your chest is all “We’ve gotta cough and jump and cough mothafuckaaaas!!”.

Influenza is a bitch especially when you are trying to finish packing for a move.

Thankfully, through the kindness and love of my amazing parents and wonderful friends, I was able to survive the week and get all moved into the new apartment.

I’ll be spending the next couple of days fully cleaning out the Barpartment, organizing (and perhaps naming? I’m up for suggestions!) the new homestead, and catching up on all of the blogs I missed last week in my DayQuil/NyQuil coma.

Hope you’re all doing splendidly!

Love and non-contagious kisses,

Annie Jay

Step 1

I know a lot of people (yes, Mom, I’m talking about you) don’t understand why I called this blog The Grow-Up Plan.  If you’re a frequent reader you know that I typically write about drunken mishaps, failures in love and just sheer randomness. Sure, occasionally I’ll throw in some positive life advice for everyone, but that stuff is few and far between.

The reason I’ve named this blog The Grow-Up Plan, is because that’s what I’m trying to do.  I’m trying to learn who I am as an adult while simultaneously holding onto the whimsical, irresponsible side of my personality.  It’s just that sometimes, that’s the only side I listen to.

If I’m going to be completely honest, I have no idea what I'm doing.

I bet you've probably figured that out by now though, huh?

My ideas of how to navigate the waters of life aren’t any better than anyone else’s, and really, if you were hoping I’d be your savior who could point you to Happily Ever After, I suspect you’ve instead ended up with a drinking problem and possibly an STD or five. 

Sorry about that.

But I digress…

2012 was one of the roughest years of my adult life.  I've been floating in a state of limbo for the last nine or ten months and I think I’ve just figured that out in the last couple of weeks. 

The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

I keep reaching out, lashing out, stomping out - doing different things outside of myself, but somehow also pulling back, pulling myself in.  I'm sure that doesn't make sense, but I can't find any other way to say what I mean.

You know how people send those "Here are all of the awesome things we did this year!" letters with Christmas cards?  My parents have never really been the type to send those, and I'm not the kind of person to send Christmas cards, period.  But this year, I found myself wishing I had done enough stuff to warrant a "My year was awesome!" letter.

Why did I care?  These kinds of things have never mattered to me.

But I’ve finally figured it out – I’m feeling that way because I've been so lost, looking back, looking in, looking out - at everything that was just so wrong.  Like the kid who's teased by his older siblings and becomes the schoolyard bully for lack of anything else to do with all of that pain, I was hoping for something to show off.  I was hoping for some kind of bandaid to put over all of this listlessness and loneliness that would sparkle and make the world think I'd finally arrived.

Fucking hell, have I really become that person?

No.  I'm not that person.

Earlier today I was doing the dishes and I had a revelation.  You know how a while ago I wrote about Confidence Girl?  She is great, she really is.  

The problem with Confidence Girl?  She used to just be called Annie Jay.

I mean – goddamn – I hope this doesn’t sound too arrogant, but…

Annie Jay is a fucking badass, awesome chick.

I don't need some gimmick to make me feel strong and confident.  

I am those things.

But somewhere along the way, I forgot.  Somewhere along the way, I lost those feelings.  But now that I've remembered what was lost, I think I'll have a much easier time.

I’ve been spending so much time just killing time.  I’m so done with that. 

I’m going to start this weekend.  This weekend I will do things that make me happy and not just try to pass time and end the monotony. 

I’m going to get back to being the girl who focuses only on the positive and stop living in this land of negativity I’ve secluded myself within.  I’m going to get back to being the leader I once was.  I’m going to get back to being the active person I used to be.

I’m going to remember that I am the girl who got two black eyes when drunkenly walking into a street lamp on a company trip and got a promotion the next week.  That’s the kind of presence I have and I won’t let myself forget it again.

I’m maafuckin Annie Jay and I’m not about to let myself forget it again.

Kissykisses,

Anniy Jay

Happy Happies Everyone!

Oh hey! 

Happy New Year!  

I hope you all rang in the New Year in style, or in grungy t-shirts and sweatpants - whatever made you happiest! 

My own NYE was quite lovely.  I wore a cocktail dress and ankle-high motorcycle boots for the first part of the night.  Because I’m classy.  And because it was freakin freezing outside.  Don’t worry, I changed into attire-appropriate but seasonally-impractical footwear when I actually went out in public.

We had a nice low-key start to the evening at Sofie’s house where we played cards, watched Dick Clark’s rocking NYE, toasted the East Coast New Year and watched Jenny McCarthy possibly get herpes from a sailor. (yes, I’m sure it was lipstick) 

Then we headed downtown to the karaoke bar where Francesca was working.  If you have to work on NYE, you’d better hope that you; 1.) have friends that love you enough to not even think about celebrating the countdown without you; 2.) work at one of the most fun places in the tri-state area; and 3.) have awesome friends that will wait for you to serve other people their drinks before giving you your New Year’s kiss. 

Keeping with my tradition of the last…hmm… 3-8 years I kissed everyone at midnight.  Well, not that one guy.  But pretty much everyone else.  I even sneak-attacked Natalia with a kiss and got a love bite in return.  Ooo, tiger!

PS – I’m the one who gave Jenny McCarthy’s sailor all of those lip herpes.  You’re welcome.

I ended the night in the eastern den of sin and inequity, around 4:30am with my favorite gay men, a couple of my favorite straight men and several of my favorite women of undetermined sexual preferences.  There was a lot of dancing and a lot of kissing and snuggling.  I got a broken beer bottle stuck in my foot (which wouldn’t have happened if I would’ve kept the boots on) but didn’t bleed all over the place like the last time that happened (which is a story for another day).  It was really quite magical.

At the end of the night, I was alone and quite happy. 

Then I slipped and fell on the ice.  (Not due to drunkenness, I swear.  It was all the fault of those damn impractical shoes!) My skirt flew up above my shoulders and I’m pretty sure I did the splits. 

But I’m still calling it a win because I didn’t get a single bruise (I guess the plus side of all that holiday eating is that I’ve gotten a lot of iron).

All in all, I had a fantastic New Year’s Eve.

The last few weeks have been busy!  Work has been chaotic and life has been, well, let's just say it’s been chaotic as well (more on that to come later this week.  Maybe).  

And hangover-y.  Life has been really hangovery. Season of giving, yeah right.  Season of binge-drinking is more like it.

Yesterday when Francesca and Sofie came over to the barpartment before we went out to lunch I had to greet them by saying, “Please excuse my mess, the barpartment is hungover.”  There were still empty beer bottles from Saturday night sitting on the dining room table.  Yes, this was on Tuesday morning.  Don’t judge me.  I just hadn’t had time to deal with them yet, ok?  Ok, so they’re still sitting there. 

Nursing a month-long hangover is hard freakin work.

I was going to write a “year in review” post.  Then I realized there wasn’t a whole lot in 2012 that I wanted to review.  So instead I’m just going to say –

2013, let’s kick 2012’s ass this year, ok?

Hope you all had a fabtastical 2012!  Anyone have any particularly fun NYE stories to share?

Much love,

Annie Jay

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

I think I mentioned it earlier this week –

I LOVE THE HOLIDAY SEASON!

Tonight is my company Christmas Party and I’m totally amped.  I’m taking my partner in crime and potential future baby-daddy, Han.  Every single girl needs a platonic friend to be arm-candy for her when events come to call.  And he makes damn good arm-candy. 

I’m wearing a silky, one shoulder, knee-length dress that poofs out at the bottom in a black/silver/purple/white print with a sparkly blazer over top.  None of the sweaters or shrugs I had with it so I’m going to go a little funky with the blazer instead.  I still can’t wear heels because of my injured ankle, so I’ll be wearing my black sparkly sandals.  Other than those, I’m excited about my outfit.

I also made a new multi-strand sparkly necklace and set of earrings to wear tonight.  My hair is going to be barrel curled into my favorite fun and flirty look.  I opted not to color it, even though my (oh so numerous!) grays are showing through quite a bit.  I’m not sure why but I’ve kind of been enjoying the gray hairs lately.  (Who wants to bet that I’ll be over them and color my hair before New Year’s?) 

We also got our Christmas bonuses today! As the hours started ticking on I was a little afraid that maybe we’d be getting Griswolded this year, but our VP came around and delivered them to us with a smile on his face.  Twas wonderful!

This weekend I’m going to be doing all of my Christmas shopping.  For the most part, I’m going to do as much of it at locally-owned stores as I can.  Gotta support my community!  Now I just have to figure out what to get my parents and my brother.

I’m also going to finally get a fish this weekend.  I’ve had the fish tank set up for three weeks now and my tank desperately needs some fishies.  Time for me to commit to what kind of fish I want. 

But anyway – this post is about Christmas!  So, here are some things that I’m planning to do or have already done to ring in the season:

Holiday Baking!  My best girls and I already did our one-day Christmas baking extravaganza.  My treats were well-loved by my coworkers and disappeared in the span of just a few hours.  I have also made some mint oreo balls and plan to make pizzelles and fudge yet this year for my family Christmas.

Holiday Decorating!  I started to put my decorations up the date after Thanksgiving and was all done by the Monday after.  There are so many decorations all around my apartment, it’s so blissfully cheerful every day.  Here are a few of my favorite things:

RAWR!

I decorated it all on my own!

Because every tree needs a robot.

 Snow!  Mother Nature gave us some snow last weekend and I reveled in it.  Now, it’s all melted but I’m holding out hope that next week we get a ton of it.  I want a foot of snow in one night.  There’s nothing I love more than walking on the quiet city streets during a snowfall, listening to Christmas music.  Which brings me to…

Christmas Music!  I said it earlier this week that I’ve pretty much only been listening to Christmas music since Thanksgiving came and went.  But what I’m most excited for is Christmas eve and Christmas day listening to The Carpenters Christmas Portrait with my family when we celebrate.  I don’t think there’s ever been a better Christmas album.

Festivus! Every year on the night of December 23, my friends and I celebrate Festivus in the grandest tradition of the day!  With copious amounts of alcohol, the airing of grievances, feats of strength, ugly Christmas sweaters, holiday chanting and stumbling home at 4am to sleep for a few hours before family time begins the next day.

Christmas Eve!  Even though I live in the same town as my parents, I always stay at their house on Christmas Eve.  My brother, Clockwork, will be in town and we’ll be traveling to my Grandfather’s house that night to celebrate with my mom’s side of the family.  Then Clockwork and I will stay up late wrapping Christmas presents, watching Red Dwarf and giggling like 12-year olds.

Christmas Day!  Need I say more?  Mom, Dad, Clocky and I will be exchanging gifts, most likely early in the day, then heading to my aunt’s house for a nice lunch with some more family.  That night, if all goes according to plan, my former roomie and I will be drinking vodka and having a slumber party at the barpartment and staying up until 4am playing Kinect and acting like 12-year olds.  Christmas is pretty much the best time to act like a 12-year old.

New Year’s Eve -  UMM.  Hey, kids, what are we doing on New Year’s Eve? 

I hope you all have a fabulous Holiday Season too!  I’m sure I’ll be blogging more in the next couple of weeks but probably not quite as heavily as I have been lately.

Happy Holidays!

Annie Jay

P.S. – Can you tell I’ve had a lot of caffeine today?

P.P.S. – Can you tell I’ve been playing on Instagram?  Check me out.

P.P.P.S – Love me.

Thursday is Officially the Most Random Day of the Week

Ever since Daylight Savings Time ended I’ve been feeling like the workdays just drag on.  So every time the weekend rolls around I get soooo happy!  But this weekend is even better! My big brother, Clockwork, is coming home to celebrate our mom’s birthday and Thanksgiving.  I can’t wait to spend time with my big bro :-)

Francesca and I had quite the interesting night last night.  We went for a drive in the countryside, in which I tried to tell her how much she means to me.  I said, “You know, Francesca, you’re an awesome friend.  I’ve been depressed and you brought me things to cheer me up and spent time with me.  I love you – you’re a great friend.”  Heartfelt.  Sincere.   That’s what I was going for, anyway.

But because Francesca is a cold and unfeeling cockface, she responded to my outpouring with raucous sardonic laughter and said “Really?  We’re going to do this?”  Well, I guess not.

We also had many margaritas and free chicken wings at a restaurant known for its free chicken wings on Thursday nights and for its lousy service.  (You can read about the first time we went there and how awesome we used to think it was if you click here.) We visited our friend, The Green Giant and played with his adorable pit bulls while his band played guitar riffs and talked about music.  I stole a baby from his spider plant as we walked out the door and then Francesca and I joked about how I had just raped the plant. 

Because rape jokes are only funny when you’re stealing spider plant babies.

After all of these adventures we ended up in the basement of my barpartment where we met friends for cheap beer and laughter.  What ended up happening goes against the content of the last two posts – because what happens when you say you’re going to take a break from dating? A cute (but significantly older) man strikes up a conversation with you at a bar.

Francesca and I had this conversation today:

Me:

So… was that guy last night cute or did I have major beer goggles on?

Francesca:

Too funny, I was just about to email you and ask about your new friend.  He was decent looking.  How late did you stay at the bar talking to him? 

Also, you raped a plant last night.

Me:

LMAO I went into my kitchen this morning (Which, by the way is an even bigger looking disaster after drunkenyl making Asian Cabbage Salad at 1am in the morning  for my work potluck today.) and saw my little spider plant seedling sitting in a cup of water to sprout and I was like “Oh yeah, that’s right.  I pillaged a plant of its baby last night.”  I wonder if they have separation anxiety… 

And I was in the bar until about 12:15 talking to him.  Then I said I had to call it a night and he walked out with me.  I went to my car to get the stuff for my cabbage salad (which I almost had forgotten about) and he walked with me.  He asked for my phone number and then we hugged.  I think he wanted to kiss me but I dodged it – I’m not a kissing hussy… most of the time.  We’ll see if he texts me.

Francesca:

LOL nice.  I thought you were “taking a break” from dating – like, as of yesterday.  Then you go and give your number out!

Me:

1. He asked me for it.  I did not “give it out”.  You make it sound like I’m walking around with a billboard that says: “TO DATE ME, CALL: 563-XXX-XXXX”

2. I didn’t kiss him.

3. I will not pursue anything with him, but if he pursues me, what’s a girl to do?

Francesca:

4. Plus, he was cute.

Me:

Right??

Francesca:

And you were talking guns with him at the bar.

Me:

Hahahaha I am a charmer, thankyouverymuch.  I actually forgot about that.  I need to use that as a conversation starter again…if only I could remember how that conversation got started… but I know it ended with me showing him the picture of us with like 5 billion guns.

Francesca:

I really wanted to stay in bed this morning and was totally jealous that The Bear got to go back to bed.  Jerk.

Me:

The Bear didn’t have to work today?  That’s good since he was dancing to Gangnam Style – outside the front door of the bar.  By himself. 

Francesca:

Yes, that is the man I love - dancing to Gangnam Style outside of a bar on a Thursday night at 10pm. 

Me:

You two are perfect for each other.

So our security system is acting up and the reactions are hilarious.  This morning we got an email telling us the doors on first floor weren’t unlocking so if you were down there and wanted to come up you should use the elevator.  So Rachel wasn’t very happy about this because, you know, she’s afraid of spontaneously becoming pregnant and giving birth while trapped in an elevator.  She also said “I hope they’re fixed by 3 so we will be able to leave!” I explained that we can still get out.  

This afternoon we got an email telling us the elevator isn’t working either.  So now everyone is freaking out about not being able to leave.  I pretty much yelled at everyone and said, “This place isn’t the Hotel California, people!  Calm down!” 

Francesca:

You can clock out anytime you like, but you can never leave!

~~~~~~~~~

Have a great weekend everyone!

Kissykissy,

Annie Jay

Blissfully Busy

Hi friends! 

Before I get into the next “grown-up” topic that I want to talk about I’m going to give you a quick recap of last weekend because I talked about a lot of stuff that I had going on in the last post and I have some other random updates I want to talk about.

Here we go!

My grandmother’s service was beautiful.  The preacher (I have no idea what the Methodists call him, I’m sorry) gave everyone who wanted to speak an opportunity to do so.  It was wonderful to hear to many memories be shared about someone who means so much to all of us.  I am happy that in the end, she was remembered not for her painful last few years, but for the graceful woman she was in the first 80 years of her life. 

One more time: Seriously, much love and thanks to all of you who supported me and my family this last week.  You guys are so fracking amazing.

The Fancy Pants Party this last weekend was fabulous!  You all looked so very dreamy :-) My camera died a while ago and my cell phone decided to start taking really crappy pictures, so I only got a few very blurry, poorly lit pictures of everyone, but believe me when I say that I would've done each and every one of you (not at the same time! that's just gross).  Special thanks to that boy I like for making me feel ultra beautiful that night and yesterday when he sent me this picture he took when I wasn't paying attention (or when I was pretending not to pay attention, I can't remember):

And more special thanks to B for buying me a kick-ass cigar to go with my fancy duds.  I do like to puff on a fiiine cigar from time to time. (Just pretend you didn’t see this line, Mom)

With everyone looking so flashy, it was hard for me to decide who to take home at the end of the night, but I think I made the right decision ;-)

We’ve gotta do it again sometime soon. 

Saturday night I went out with my wild girls and we went absolutely loco (in the best possible way). 

But we started the night out at the Diamond Jo Casino’s dance club.  This is a club where they don’t allow the dueling pianos people to swear or play any music with swear words – isn’t part of the appeal of dueling pianos the bawdiness that can crop up??  On the weekends it’s the retro-themed Club 84. They do things like the electric slide and the hustle but very little bumpin and grindin (not to say the hustle and electric slide aren’t fun, it’s just not my idea of a fun night out).  It’s like their trying to be the Disney World of area nightclubs.

It’s all so family-friendly it makes me want to puke. 

They’re trying to be edgy but still appeal to the little 80-year old ladies who play the slot machines all day long.  I’m sorry, but you’re in a casino and trying to be a nightclub - let’s up the sex appeal, k?  As Amanda and Chris and I sat in a booth (trying to drink until it was fun) I took a picture and tweeted the following:

Having too much PG-rated fun at Club84 @DiamondJoDBQ #hustle #electricslide #isittimetorageyet http://t.co/fLAtSFV8 -- Annie Jay (@TheGrowUpPlan)

Apparently the Diamond Jo doesn’t understand sarcasm because they retweeted it to their followers.  OOPS!

But seriously, Diamond Jo, as far as local casinos go (yes there are two of them), you’ve got a lot going for you.  Your club could be awesome (it’s a beautiful space) but you keep trying to appeal to EVERYONE.  Why not try to appeal to just the under 50 crowd and say to hell with being granny-friendly? Put a little more seediness into your establishment and maybe I won’t groan every time someone tells me that we have to go there for a bachelorette party, or to meet up with some friend from out of town who thinks it’s going to be the bee’s knees.  

I go out to let loose, not to stay buttoned up, if you’re joint doesn’t let me be free, I’ll find somewhere else to go.  But maybe that's just me.

I’m starting an insanity exercise program in just a little over a week.  I’m absolutely terrified, but also really looking forward to it.  The only thing I’m seriously not looking forward to is that they make you take a picture in little short shorts and a sports bra your first day.  Um… please god no?  Also – I’m going to have to run a mile.  I haven’t done that in at least two years.  Please, send me positive energy on Saturday September 29 so that I don’t keel over from a heart attack.

Did you all have a lovely weekend?  Big plans coming up for the next weekend?  Let me know what’s going on, I’d love to join you!

Loves,

Annie Jay

Sometimes Life Just Has To Go On

This has been quite a week of emotions for me.  So this blog has three different mostly-unrelated topics.

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As I said in my previous blog, my beloved grandmother passed away on Tuesday.  I’m still reeling from the loss of her and from the shock I felt at the extreme feelings I had about her passing.  Yes, it’s stupid that I was surprised to feel so strongly about losing her - of course I should be extremely sad, this woman meant the world to me – but I had convinced myself that - thanks to dementia - the woman who was my grandmother was already gone.

When I would visit her in the nursing home I would grin and bear it when I heard her talk about visiting with people who had long-since passed on, or who never existed, or the times when she would just simply not recognize me (either due to her eyesight problems or the dementia).  There were times when I would visit her and my strength would fail and I would cry as I held her hand and tried to play along with whatever adventure she described.

The truth is I had just been pretending to deal with the loss while I actually pushed it to the side.  It wasn’t until I got the message from my dad on Tuesday that she had taken a turn for the worse and I looked through the scrapbook she made me (gods if only I had told her how much that book means to me…) that I realized how much it actually hurt to finally lose her.  The biggest comfort to me is that her family surrounded her when she passed and that those of us who couldn’t be with her in person were thinking about her as she took her last breaths.

One of the sweetest comments I saw was my mom’s best friend who said that my grandma is now looking down on us with seeing eyes (because grandma’s eyesight has been near-blindness for years now) and thinking of her love for us.  I find peace in thinking of this.  I’m not sure where I stand on God, but I know she believed in Him, so I like to imagine that she is in Heaven now, smiling down on us with that grace that always seemed to fill her – even in the end.

The love that my friends, family, readers and coworkers have shown to me over the last few days has been amazing.  I’m sure this all would have been much harder without the cards, hugs and kind words.  We say goodbye to her this weekend.  I’ll be a pallbearer for her as I was for my grandpa three years ago.  Please send me strength and positive energy as I say goodbye to the woman who always made me feel like the most important person in the world.

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Disclaimer: If you are a person who is interested in being in a relationship with me or has ever been in a relationship with me, you might just want to skip this next part.  - XO

A few weeks ago I started seeing a boy that I dated when I was 20 years old.  Back then we were young and impulsive and the relationship ended as many young romances end – with tears shed and melodramatic heartbreak songs played on repeat in car stereos.  But when I saw him on a dating site a few weeks ago I thought; “Ok, I’ve grown up, I am sure he has too.”  And gods was I right.

The man I met for a drink three weeks ago was exactly the same in appearance as the boy I knew 7 years ago (albeit with a scattering of random gray hairs), but his beautiful blue eyes were filled with more stories, more lessons than I had ever seen in them.  We went on a few amazing (read as: super fucking amazing) dates and were talking every day.

Naturally, by last weekend I was terrified.

I didn’t realize just how much of a commitment-phobe I had become until I started to think about the possibility of actually getting involved in a relationship again.  In the last two years since I ended my three-year relationship with my first “real” love, I have only gotten myself involved in relationships with men that I knew I wouldn’t want a future with.

Then, about a month ago I was out with Francesca and her boyfriend when he snapped some sense into me.  “Ann, I don’t understand why you always go after these guys that you have no future with.” He said to me.  I tried to tell him that I wanted to be with them for a while, just to experience them – that I didn’t need them to be “relationship material” because I just wanted to know about their lives and their experiences.

Because he is a good friend, he told me I was being an idiot. 

He told me that I was missing out on so much.  He reminded me of what it means to be in a relationship.  He reminded me that I was running away from getting to know someone on that intimate level that can only come with a commitment and a partnership.  (Only, we were out drinking so there were many more curse words and broken sentences, but the sentiment was the same.)

Slowly, the idea of seeking a more intimate connection with someone again began to take hold of me, and that happened to be when this boy walked back into my life.  Now, I’m coming to terms with the idea of being involved in a relationship again. 

But I’m still terrified.

My greatest fear is that I’ll become the person I was in my previous relationship – willing to give up a piece of (or all of) myself in order to please someone who was unwilling to do the same for me (and I was unwilling to ask him to).  Hopefully the love I’ve developed for myself over the last two years will prevent me from becoming that person again but I don’t trust myself when it comes to love.

It’s funny, because I’m always the person advising my friends in love to “dive in head first!” or “just go for it! the pain will be worth the experience!”.  When it comes to my own relationship needs though, apparently I’ve been running blindly away from love for so long I forgot what running feels like.

Time for me to be brave and just give it a try – hopefully the pain will be worth the experience – or maybe the pain won’t come.  Either way, I’ve gotta dive in and test the waters.  Wish me luck!

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And now – for something a little more light-hearted:

Tonight is the Fancy Pants Party!

A week ago Thursday, my boy B said to me “Now that the weather’s not so hot we need to have a night where we all go out dressed to the 9’s again.”  So we made it happen. 

It’s happening at my apartment in just a few short hours!

I briefly thought about canceling the party because it didn’t quite seem right to have a fancy party the night before my grandmother’s wake, but life must go on and for the life of me, I need this.

I can’t wait to see all of you dressed to the nines.  I’ll see you Fancy Pantses tonight!

Much love,

Annie Jay

Never Underestimate Your Love

Hug your family members, friends.

I lost my last surviving grandmother today.

She was diagnosed with senile dementia several years ago and her condition has been declining ever since.

It's so so so strange to feel simultaneously grateful that someone's suffering has ended and to also feel the stabbing pain of grief that likes to sneak up on you when you realize that they are gone.

I knew this day was coming.  Weeks ago I was mad at God (or whoever makes the decisions around here...) for not easing her pain.  I told my mother that God had forgotten my grandmother and that I felt like an awful person for wishing that her suffering could just end once and for all.  I even feel terrible for writing this now.  But it was based out of love for her.

Even though I knew this day was coming... I'm still so broken up.  I can't believe how surprised I actually feel to feel as much pain I feel at the loss of her.  Grief is just so... so weird.

Thankfully, she was surrounded by her family as she took her last breaths.

Grandma Mary and little Annie: Circa 1988

If you read my Facebook post today, you know that shortly after my high school graduation Grandma gave me a scrap book commemorating the last 18 years of my life.  I was, despite my angtsy teenage apathy, blown away.

This scrap book contained pictures I had never seen and mementos from my life that I would have never imagined she would have kept.  She kept playbills from all of my junior high and high school plays, brochures from music performances, newspaper clippings... thinking about all of these things now I can barely keep typing I'm getting so choked up.

She was of course, a great mother and grandmother but she was also a teacher, an avid gardener, a great cook, a pristine housekeeper, and a talented seamstress.  She posessed this graceful strength that is seldom seen in people in my generation.  She knew how to work hard and also loved to enjoy the simple things life had to offer.

She taught me so much, made me feel so special and also (though it never seemed so great at the time) taught me how to behave.

So hug your family, my friends.  Hug them, kiss them, tell them you love them and don't forget to keep reminders of them so you will always remember the times you shared.

<3 Annie Jay

Steve Jobs Isn't The Only One Who Likes Turtlenecks

First of all – thanks to everyone for the kind words after Monday’s post.  Some of the comments left here and emailed/texted to me really tugged at my heartstrings.  You made me realize just how many people out there are affected by similar feelings and how much we can help each other.  If you’re out there and you’re feeling similar things, please don’t feel like you have to go through it alone or like you should be ashamed of what you’re feeling. 

One of my favorite phrases to remember is this: Depression Lies. 

Depression will tell you that people will laugh at you and not believe you.  Depression will tell you that people will judge you, that people will only see you as crazy if you tell them about it.  Depression will tell you that people don’t love you or care about you.  Depression will tell you that no one can understand what you’re feeling.  

Those are all lies.  

People still love you, people will understand.  People will help you.  Please, trust in the people in your life.

I should have known of course, but I was surprised just how much talking about it in such a public way really helped me to get over that hump in the road.  I’m not saying you have to do the same thing – but if you’re feeling this way, please talk to someone.  Hearing from others and even just re-reading what I had written helped me to see how harsh I was being on myself.  I’m not back to feeling great, but I’m definitely at a much brighter place than I was Sunday or Monday. 

I love you guys.

In other news:

I set up a Twitter account for the blog!  Please follow me @TheGrowUpPlan.  I'll post funny things.  Or not.  But I'll tweet stuff.  It'll be cool.  Let me know in the comments section if I should follow you too!

And there's more news:

I’m attending my first local Writer’s Guild meeting next Friday! 

My mom has been trying to talk me into it for years and I’ve always resisted.  Those people are stuck-up, pretentious, jerkfaces – is what I always told her.  I didn’t want to spend time with those people.  Oh yeah, let’s sit around and tell each other how awesome we are because we like writing.

It turns out the only stuck-up pretentious jerkface in the room is me.  Or, at least, that’s what I’m guessing.  (And I know Francesca is sitting there thinking: Exactly.  Like how two weeks ago you were going on and on about your “Ahhhh-low” plants while the rest of us just call it “Al-oh”.  Douche.) Gods, I hope I don’t show up on Friday and they all end up being exactly who I fear they are…

But I’m excited! 

I’m finally giving this writing thing a real, honest try.  (Thanks to the encouragement of my family, some close friends and some acquaintances who surprised me by throwing their heartfelt encouragement my way.) I feel like I finally understand the point of going to these things.  Hopefully the people there will help me to increase the effectiveness of my writing and will help to keep me motivated. 

Gotta hang out with people who like doing what you like doing if you hope to get better at doing what you like doing ;-)

I’m also hoping to form some good connections with other people in the area who might want to join up to do some projects or maybe point me in the right direction to expand my options for writing.

Who knows?  Not me, that’s for sure. 

Maybe we’ll all just sit around smoking extra-long cigarettes (oh god how I want to…), wearing berets, and snapping our praise as people wearing black turtlenecks read poetry about the existential experience they had at the gas station when they locked eyes with the beautiful boy at the pump next to them and the crushing pain they felt when he drove off. 

Shit.  That’s probably going to happen.

Anyone have a beret I can borrow?

Hugkiss,

Annie Jay