Can I Please Be That Girl Again?

Before I get into my actual post - I turn 28 in exactly one week.  When I mentioned this to my boss she said “30 is the new 20, so it’s like you’re turning 18!” 

I responded “Sweet! Time to pick up a smoking habit and start binge drinking on a daily basis!”

I guess I should just stick to 28 ;-)

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Oh, and also, thanks to my fantastically amazing parents I’m 100% done with the Barpartment.  I went from not having a single thing moved to having everything moved and having the place perfectly cleaned within 4 days.  I’ve gotta say that is the fastest I’ve ever done that – and hope to never have to do it that fast ever again!

At least now is the better part – the unpacking.  My kitchen, bedroom and bathroom have a pretty good start.  Now I just need to figure out how the heck I’m going to arrange the living/dining spaces so I can unpack all of the other boxes.  Stupid L shaped living/dining space!  You’re too awkward for how I want to arrange you!

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Ok, now for the real post -

As I said the other day, I was sick as hell last week.  I’m still not 100%, but I’m definitely more on the alive side of life than I was last week.

One thing about unexpectedly taking a week off of work is that you will suddenly find yourself in the midst of having nothing to do.  Plus, feeling like you’re wearing a cement body suit that doesn’t allow you to move or feel like a living human being also lends itself to having a lot of couch time.  Also, because the Barpartment was in such a state of chaos from my impending move, my bedroom was not a peaceful place, so most nights I fell asleep on my loveseat (which has now gone to furniture heaven).

So I did what I do, and I watched an ass-ton of Netflix while in the midst of a codine/NyQuil haze.

I watched at least one season of Star Trek the Next Generation.  I’ve been rewatching the series lately because I haven’t watched STTNG in earnest since I was a kid.  And I’ve finally gotten to the good seasons! If you’ve never watched STTNG but have a morbid curiousity about what this whole Star Trek phenomenon is all about, start on Season 3 or 4.  I won’t go into too much detail – if you want to read some awesome Trek reviews check out this awesome blog.

But because my drug-induced state wasn’t good for actual retention of information, I decided to put STTNG back on the (imaginary) shelf and I decided to rewatch Bones from the beginning. 

I’ve been a fan of this show for a few years now.  I love David Boreanaz (yes, because of Buffy and Angel) so when I first saw him acting in a new show I was totally on board.  I watched the first couple of seasons on Netflix a couple of years ago and have been following the latest episodes as they come out on Hulu+ ever since then.  But I wanted to start again from the beginning, so that’s what I did this last week.

Needless to say the show has been playing pretty much nonstop whenever I’m home.  Packing? Turn on the show.  Unpacking? Turn on the show.  Cleaning/sitting/doing laundry? Turn on the show.

I realized a couple of things when I was watching the show.

1. Bones kicks a lot of ass in the first few seasons.  I had forgotten how ass-kicky she used to be.  I kind of like it.

2. David Boreanaz is still freaking adorable sexy manliness.

3. Sickness, an excess of cough medicine and a wonky sleep schedule make me emotional when watching shows that get me in touch with my feelings.  Not like a “The world is shit and I am shit” kind of emotional, but a “That’s so deep and it’s so beautiful” kind of emotional.

4. I used to be Angela Montenegro – what happened to me?  Ok, ok, I was never a talented artist and my dad was never Billy Gibbons, but I used to be that kind-hearted free spirit.

As stupid as it sounds, the whole thing has got me reconsidering a lot about the way I’ve been living my life for the last year or so. 

Without getting into details, about a year ago I experienced a major life change.  In the long run, this change is definitely a positive thing, but because of what happened, I became a very defensive person.  I stopped letting myself feel things.  I stopped letting myself dream of better things, of a better way of life.  I stopped living my life for myself and started living it only to spite someone else. 

Yeah, that’s a pretty damn stupid way to live your life.

I need to get back to being the girl who will go and sit for hours outside and write or read – or who would at least pretend to do those things and get distracted people-watching instead. I need to get back to being the girl who would say yes to random invitations instead of staying home to be alone instead. I need to get back to being the girl who would feel things for the people around her instead of people the girl who was trying so hard to keep herself together that she couldn’t waste a moment ot ponder the emotions of anyone else.  I want to be the girl who isn’t afraid to love someone just because they might hurt her; I want to get back to being the girl who believes that even if something isn’t meant to be forever, it can be beautiful for a little while.

I want to be Angela Montenegro again.

Hopefully now that I’ve moved into a new place it will give me a new view of my life, free from the angst and negative energy that was associated with my old apartment.  It’s probably silly to place those hopes on a place, but I’m going to go ahead and be silly again, it’s what I would have done in the past.

Have you ever experienced anything like this?  Watched a show and identified so wholly with a character? Or have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered whose eyes were staring back at you?

Much love,

Annie Jay