This Is Not a Real Post

Happy Wednesday, Friends!

I'm pretty sure we're all readers of The Bloggess around here.  

Here's her Mother's Day blog post.  

And here's just one perfect reason why she resonates with so many different kinds of people - 

"Celebrate the hell out of yourself.  You deserve it.  But you know who else deserves it?  ...The women who don’t want kids and have to listen to a bunch of bullshit about how you’re only worthwhile if you’ve pushed a human out of your vagina"

Thank you, Ms Lawson.  Thank you for fucking getting it.

I'm so tired of being treated like a second-class citizen because I'm 28, single, and childless.  My life has just as much meaning as the lives of the members of the cult of "mommies".  

I've said it before, it's not all mothers who treat single, childless women in this way - but to those of you who do - seriously, just stop.

The same thing goes for the cult of "my boyfriend is the best thing that ever happened to me and I will talk about nothing other than the inane things we do together and oh how I wish you could find the happiness that we have.  Yes I had to remind him to flush the toilet, and teach him how to peel an apple today, but other than that, it's just a really great relationship!"  Seriously, if that is what supposedly great relationships are supposed to be like, no thanks!

To all my single, childless friends - let's go do awesome things on our own this weekend and make all these ladies jealous of our independence!

Hugs n kisses,
Annie Jay

PS to anyone who thinks "Oh, she's just bitter and jealous".  Yeah, no.  No I'm not.  I'm not jealous that as soon as you found a sub-standard boyfriend or had a child you began to feel like you had achieved your life's goals.  I'm not willing to settle for a person who is anything less than exactly the awesomeness level that I deserve.  And even once I've found him, I have other things that will keep me pushing my life to be freaking awesome.  xoxo

It's Not You, It's Me.

I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I kind of hate poetry. 

Well… not the poems so much as the poets.  You know what I’m talking about – the snooty, uppity, artsier-than-thous who frequent coffee shops and look their noses down on people who get a kick from riding in the back of pickup trucks.

So believe me when I say, I found it extremely confusing and a little terrifying when I found myself writing a poem last night.  It’s not a good poem.  I’m pretty sure it lacks all the things that make poems poems instead of just words thrown together on a page. 

But it exists and I want to share it nonetheless.  Go ahead and read this while I go look for my beret…

~~~~~~~~

When I say I don’t want to be with you,

It’s not you, it’s me.

Oh I know they all say it.

I know it’s cold comfort.

But when I say it I mean -

It’s not you, it’s me.

You are doing nothing other than being wholly who you are.

Who you are is the result of decades of experience.

When I say I can’t be with you, it is not because you are wrong,

It’s because I am not right for you.

When I say I can’t be with you, it’s not because you bring out the worst in me,

It’s because I allow the worst in me to come out.

I am in control of who I am.

I am in control of how I react.

I cannot change who you are,

I can change how I react to you.

But until I can change that,

Until I can adjust,

When I say I don’t want to be with you,

It’s not you, it’s me.

~~~~~~~~

Whew, I’m glad that’s over.

And just because I want to keep writing, here’s a little more of an update on my life right now.

I’m not sure how the weather has been where you all live but here in Iowa, it’s been lovely.  I’ve been getting outside and soaking in that all-powerful Vitamin-D several days a week and it’s kicking my energy up about ten notches.  I’m seriously considering that I need to move somewhere that’s sunny year-round.

I’ve been exercising more and thinking more about the good things I’m going to be doing for myself – I’ll be writing more on this as soon as I get up the courage to get deep and honest with the interwebs.

I know I keep talking about the fiction writing that I do but I never share any of it – and I’m hopefully going to change that as soon as I get this latest story idea hammered out.  Sharing my creative writing has always been harder for me than sharing my random musings, but I’m trying to work up the courage to share.  Here’s to hoping that I’ll actually do it this time!

This weekend holds the promise of many fun times.  Dubuquefest is coming up!  Every year, our city has a ton of downtown festivals with live music but Dubuquefest is the best.  There’s a huge craft/art fair in the park and live music and delicious food by the Town Clock.  I’m going Friday and Saturday.  The Renaissance Faire (which is definitely not like any other Renaissance Faire you've ever been to in a bigger city) is also this weekend and my posse and I plan to go on Sunday.  As long as Francesca can refrain from getting another public intox ticket, we should all have a ton of fun yelling at the knights during the joust.

Happy Tuesday, Blogland!

Much love,

Annie Jay

Why Suffer When You Don't Have To?

I love this time of year.  The sun, the soft grass, the temperature – I pretty much become addicted to the outdoors.

Unfortunately, I have really bad allergies.  I know there are people out there who have worse allergies, but being allergic to just about everything outdoors plus dogs, cats, dust and mold…well… let’s just say, allergies are a major part of my life.  Even as I type this I can hear a wheeze in my chest and my eyes are itching like crazy.  I was first diagnosed with allergies when I was around 12 years old and have been learning how to handle them ever since.

I never used to be very good at maintaining my allergies; I’d sleep next to an open window; I would ignore chores like dusting and vacuuming; I’d go ATVing on dusty trails; and I’d play outside all day and go to bed without showering the pollen off.  Hell, I’d even forget to take my daily allergy medicine and would let myself suffer instead.  One summer I got pink eye at least 10 times. (If you ever take your eyes for granted, a summer like that one will really really make you value them!)

After 16 years, I’ve finally let go of the denial and have learned what to do to maintain my symptoms.  I’ve learned that I can enjoy the outdoors without getting myself super sick in the meantime by remembering a few simple things.  I religiously take my allergy medicine; keep my windows closed on high pollen days; wear sunglasses to avoid getting allergens in my eyes; avoid eye makeup on the really bad days; and I change my clothes or shower as soon as possible after a day outside. 

Sometimes you have to put in a little extra
effort to be where you want to be.

Remembering to do these very simple things has allowed me to enjoy my love for nature but not have to pay for it the next day. Sure, sometimes it’s a pain in the neck to have to fit a shower into my evening routine (naturally curly hair does not ever look good when it’s been slept on, least of all if it’s been slept on when wet) or to dust and vacuum every other day – but I know the work is worth it in the long run.

Because I have become proactive, my misery has eased.

The same principle can be applied to living a contented life. 

I can choose to sit back and complain about what’s wrong, or I can take steps to actively improve my outlook.

If you aren’t happy, take some time today to really think about why.  Is the problem something that you can fix? If you can fix it, what do you need to do?  If you can’t fix the problem, can you find a way to live with it and change the way you react to or think about the problem?  If you can’t find a way to live with it, then there is a way to fix it, you will probably just have to look a little harder. 

Nothing in your life is completely outside of your control.  Do research.  Make a plan.  Set a goal. 

Most importantly – Take action!

As I’ve said in the past, sometimes I really suck at being an adult, so I know some things are going to be difficult.  If you need support, I’m here for you and would be happy to listen or give you a boost up.  We’re all living the same life in different ways; we can help each other to live better.

Today, I love you.  Today, I know you are capable of working for a life without misery.

Hugs n kisses,

Annie Jay

It's a Beautiful Life

Well, hello there!

I've been a bit on the silent side of blog land lately.  Please rest assured, that it's actually for mostly good reasons.  I'm going to tell you all about them in a rambly, cloudy kind of way, so I hope you follow along ;-p

As you know, I moved. It was stressful at a time when stress was just about the only thing I had going on in my life. 

You may also be aware that I had a bit of a startling realization a few weeks ago.

Precisely two days later, I had an emotional breakdown in my doctor's office when I went in for a mostly routine exam.  

BTW - I'm spectacularly healthy, it turns out. I realize the timing of my disappearance and pending doctor's appointment was probably quite terrible to those I don't talk to all the time.  It appears my only health concern was my inability to productively deal with stress for the better part of the last two years.

That night, I talked to Francesca about it, and she helped to set my mind at ease.  If you don't have a Francesca, I implore you to please obtain one.  A level-headed BFF is just what every woman needs.  The next day, even though some things still hurt, I was feeling better about life in general.

Precisely four days after that was my birthday.  It being a Wednesday night, my actual birthday celebration was laid back - dinner with Mom and Dad, and visiting Francesca at the Rainbow with Bubbles and Mr. Tight Pants for a drink. That Friday night though, I cut loose and ended up having one of the best birthdays of my adult life - Just me and a group of friends, getting pizza and hitting up a couple of my favorite bars.  I woke up feeling like death, but very much loved.

And ever since then, life has been getting amazing.

See, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been doing those things that I used to do but somehow lost along the way.  I've been taking pictures, I've been writing, I've been reading.  I've been walking and exploring - and allowing myself to hope again.  I've been working my ass off at work and have been feeling the rewards - I'm buzzing with anticipation for good things that I hope are on the horizon for me.

I do find myself worrying - after a year of depression and anxiety - is this all a lie?  I wrote about it to my lovely Gracie the other day.  I told her that the happiness I've been feeling lately scares me a little - is this happiness and peace just a lie?  I suppose it would be easy to see it that way if I tried to convince myself that happiness is a constant and forgot that life is ups and downs.  Happiness is attainable - but it will occasionally hide away.  I just hope I can hold on to it and enjoy it for a longer span of time right now.

So even though I'm afraid of losing the good feelings - losing the peace - I'm not going to let that fear take hold and keep me from enjoying the peace and happiness I'm feeling right now.

I'm even letting myself consider the idea of romance again.  And by that - I mean I think I'm ready for that dive in head first kind of romance that's illogical and painful and probably a bit dangerous but can be so incredibly beautiful that it makes the scary parts even seem less scary.

The other day when Herbert and I took a walk by the river, we got into deep conversations about love and expectations.  I realized how silly my last serious relationship had been - A year into the relationship, there were not only warning signs, but flashing DANGER lights that we'd both chosen to ignore because neither of us wanted to be the bad guy and finally end things.  After those lights started flashing, it took me two more years of diffidence before I got up the courage to finally do what had to be done.  

I definitely deserve to live my life with a passion deeper than mere resentful tolerance.

And I'm taking the same stance with other relationships in my life.  I've begun limiting my exposure to the relationships which do not bring out the best in me.  I know I have my fair share of blame in how things in my life turn out, but I don't need to punish myself by allowing in more negativity more than I have to.  I want to be the Sword of Gryffindor and take in only that which makes me stronger.

I feel like I forgot how to take action in the last year - like I forgot I had power within me to make things better.  But now, I have my ideas before me and I just need to keep taking action - keep focusing on things that are within my control and how I can improve them.

Is it just me, or does it feel like change is in the air?

Much much love,
Annie Jay


PS - Lately I've also been thinking a lot about Kanye West and how I want to help make the world a better place.  I realize those two topics may seem mutually exclusive, but I promise, I'll explain soon. xoxoxo

PPS - Yes, I love my new apartment.  Life just feels easier here and I feel safer - the building's on lock down and the hallways are littered with cameras - I haven't even taken my sword out of its sheath since I moved in.  I didn't even realize just how unsafe I used to feel  until I started regularly walking around the new apartment with all of the lights turned off and wouldn't even feel a tingle of anxiety.  Plus, I wake up and go to sleep every night, surrounded by beauty - you can't help but feel happier when the aesthetics are exactly what you need.

PPPS - I didn't title this post until just now.  Now I'm going to have to buy a new copy of Ace of Base's album The Bridge because the one I got 20ish years ago is beyond readable.  Maybe I should bump my Ace of Base addiction into the 21st century and go digital....

Can I Please Be That Girl Again?

Before I get into my actual post - I turn 28 in exactly one week.  When I mentioned this to my boss she said “30 is the new 20, so it’s like you’re turning 18!” 

I responded “Sweet! Time to pick up a smoking habit and start binge drinking on a daily basis!”

I guess I should just stick to 28 ;-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, and also, thanks to my fantastically amazing parents I’m 100% done with the Barpartment.  I went from not having a single thing moved to having everything moved and having the place perfectly cleaned within 4 days.  I’ve gotta say that is the fastest I’ve ever done that – and hope to never have to do it that fast ever again!

At least now is the better part – the unpacking.  My kitchen, bedroom and bathroom have a pretty good start.  Now I just need to figure out how the heck I’m going to arrange the living/dining spaces so I can unpack all of the other boxes.  Stupid L shaped living/dining space!  You’re too awkward for how I want to arrange you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, now for the real post -

As I said the other day, I was sick as hell last week.  I’m still not 100%, but I’m definitely more on the alive side of life than I was last week.

One thing about unexpectedly taking a week off of work is that you will suddenly find yourself in the midst of having nothing to do.  Plus, feeling like you’re wearing a cement body suit that doesn’t allow you to move or feel like a living human being also lends itself to having a lot of couch time.  Also, because the Barpartment was in such a state of chaos from my impending move, my bedroom was not a peaceful place, so most nights I fell asleep on my loveseat (which has now gone to furniture heaven).

So I did what I do, and I watched an ass-ton of Netflix while in the midst of a codine/NyQuil haze.

I watched at least one season of Star Trek the Next Generation.  I’ve been rewatching the series lately because I haven’t watched STTNG in earnest since I was a kid.  And I’ve finally gotten to the good seasons! If you’ve never watched STTNG but have a morbid curiousity about what this whole Star Trek phenomenon is all about, start on Season 3 or 4.  I won’t go into too much detail – if you want to read some awesome Trek reviews check out this awesome blog.

But because my drug-induced state wasn’t good for actual retention of information, I decided to put STTNG back on the (imaginary) shelf and I decided to rewatch Bones from the beginning. 

I’ve been a fan of this show for a few years now.  I love David Boreanaz (yes, because of Buffy and Angel) so when I first saw him acting in a new show I was totally on board.  I watched the first couple of seasons on Netflix a couple of years ago and have been following the latest episodes as they come out on Hulu+ ever since then.  But I wanted to start again from the beginning, so that’s what I did this last week.

Needless to say the show has been playing pretty much nonstop whenever I’m home.  Packing? Turn on the show.  Unpacking? Turn on the show.  Cleaning/sitting/doing laundry? Turn on the show.

I realized a couple of things when I was watching the show.

1. Bones kicks a lot of ass in the first few seasons.  I had forgotten how ass-kicky she used to be.  I kind of like it.

2. David Boreanaz is still freaking adorable sexy manliness.

3. Sickness, an excess of cough medicine and a wonky sleep schedule make me emotional when watching shows that get me in touch with my feelings.  Not like a “The world is shit and I am shit” kind of emotional, but a “That’s so deep and it’s so beautiful” kind of emotional.

4. I used to be Angela Montenegro – what happened to me?  Ok, ok, I was never a talented artist and my dad was never Billy Gibbons, but I used to be that kind-hearted free spirit.

As stupid as it sounds, the whole thing has got me reconsidering a lot about the way I’ve been living my life for the last year or so. 

Without getting into details, about a year ago I experienced a major life change.  In the long run, this change is definitely a positive thing, but because of what happened, I became a very defensive person.  I stopped letting myself feel things.  I stopped letting myself dream of better things, of a better way of life.  I stopped living my life for myself and started living it only to spite someone else. 

Yeah, that’s a pretty damn stupid way to live your life.

I need to get back to being the girl who will go and sit for hours outside and write or read – or who would at least pretend to do those things and get distracted people-watching instead. I need to get back to being the girl who would say yes to random invitations instead of staying home to be alone instead. I need to get back to being the girl who would feel things for the people around her instead of people the girl who was trying so hard to keep herself together that she couldn’t waste a moment ot ponder the emotions of anyone else.  I want to be the girl who isn’t afraid to love someone just because they might hurt her; I want to get back to being the girl who believes that even if something isn’t meant to be forever, it can be beautiful for a little while.

I want to be Angela Montenegro again.

Hopefully now that I’ve moved into a new place it will give me a new view of my life, free from the angst and negative energy that was associated with my old apartment.  It’s probably silly to place those hopes on a place, but I’m going to go ahead and be silly again, it’s what I would have done in the past.

Have you ever experienced anything like this?  Watched a show and identified so wholly with a character? Or have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered whose eyes were staring back at you?

Much love,

Annie Jay

The Tales of My Demise Are…Mostly Spot-On

In case you haven’t heard, I died last week.

At least it felt that way.

Although I had nowhere near the brush with death that Ash had last week (eegads!!) I felt like I was moments away from my first interview with the Grim Reaper. 

Influenza is a bitch.  Don’t get it.  It makes you feel like your arms and head and legs all want to be glued to the ground but your chest is all “We’ve gotta cough and jump and cough mothafuckaaaas!!”.

Influenza is a bitch especially when you are trying to finish packing for a move.

Thankfully, through the kindness and love of my amazing parents and wonderful friends, I was able to survive the week and get all moved into the new apartment.

I’ll be spending the next couple of days fully cleaning out the Barpartment, organizing (and perhaps naming? I’m up for suggestions!) the new homestead, and catching up on all of the blogs I missed last week in my DayQuil/NyQuil coma.

Hope you’re all doing splendidly!

Love and non-contagious kisses,

Annie Jay

Moving is Hard Work

Wow, that last blog was pretty depressing.  Good thing that day is over. 

I haven’t gone to the doctor yet but I’ll be going in two weeks, I promise.  I have the appointment set and everything!  Hopefully the doctor gets my lady bits all sorted out. 

Plus, with my kick ass cancer insurance policy I’m gonna get $300 just for going.  WOOT!

And with that money my couch will be reupholstered.

Speaking of reupholstering furniture… Remember this post?

This is what my love looked like just a couple of weeks ago:

You're lookin' a little droopy there, gumdrop.

Well look at my baby now!

Damn girl, you are lookin fiiiiine!

Isn’t she lovely?  I did that on Saturday.  Now I just need to pay someone to make myself a double-welt cord to cover all of the trim and pay someone to sew a new cover for the bottom cushion and it’ll be all done!  My goal is to have the double-welt applied before the actual move on March 23^rd, but let’s be honest, that’s so not going to happen.

Why isn’t that going to happen?  Because in addition to packing up my entire collection of furniture, clothing and random items so that I can have everything moved out by March 23^rd (so I can clean the Barpartment and prepare for Natalia and the Penguin to move into in on March 30^th) I also have a ton of other things going on in the next 10 days!

This Saturday is my bestie, Foxxi’s, Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party.  I’m very much looking forward to this!  We’re renting a (hopefully) fancy house in the beautiful Galena Territories and planning to drink our faces off, enjoy the hot tub and have altogether ridiculous girly times.  However, between making a cake, preparing all of the food (with assistance from Francesca and Prudence) and setting up for the event, my Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday will be taken up with non-moving related tasks. (and I have no idea what punctuation should be used to make that sentence grammatically correct so please stop judging me)

Then, next Thursday is Best Fest!  This annual fundraiser for the local hospice is not to be missed.  I’ve had my ticket for two months.  We go in and for three hours you get to sample the best food, drinks and products of the tri-state area – as much as you want.  From 5:30-8:30 next Thursday I will also be drinking my face off.  So again, not doing anything related to moving.  Friday morning/early afternoon will be spent recovering but then it’ll be down to business Friday night.

So, with all of this going on, I am going to have a total of 5 full night to pack everything.

HOLY SHIT.  *ahem* Ok, so that’s the first time I’ve really let that soak in. Deep breaths…deep breaths…

Monday night I started packing.  I filled one gigantic box full of books and realized it was too heavy for even Lou Ferrigno to carry down the flight of stairs out of the Barpartment so I gave up on packing for the night.  Because I’m responsible.

Last night, however, was much more successful! 

Yesterday morning I signed my new lease and got my key!  I can’t start moving things in until March 23 (and I can’t cheat because they have surveillance cameras everywhere – stupid secure building!) because my lease isn’t officially valid until April 1 and if I wanted to move in as of March 15 I could have for an additional half-month’s rent, which I just simply couldn’t afford.  But she told me I was free to go look around the place and take measurements, which is exactly what I did last night!  Natalia, Francesca and Han all went with me to get a glimpse at my new digs. 

And you know the good thing?  I still love it!  *Whew* That’s a relief.

So after the new apartment tour last night I sat down and got to work.  I got all of my books packed into reasonably sized boxes.  I also packed my shoes (minus a few pairs for the next week), DVDs, video games and all of my breakable décor.  Tonight I’m hoping to finish packing everything in my spare room, dining room, living room and bathroom (again, minus what I’ll need for the next 10 days).  That way I can get to work on my kitchen and bedroom over the next week, which are both bound to take a long time.

I’m trying to stay all Zen and not let the stress of moving get to me too much… but who am I kidding?  I thrive on stress!  If my head explodes and I never write here again, please remember how brilliant I think you all are and that my favorite flowers (for the funeral, duh) are calla lilies.  And I like pandas, please bury me with a panda.

Hugsnkisses,

Annie Jay