It's a Beautiful Life

Well, hello there!

I've been a bit on the silent side of blog land lately.  Please rest assured, that it's actually for mostly good reasons.  I'm going to tell you all about them in a rambly, cloudy kind of way, so I hope you follow along ;-p

As you know, I moved. It was stressful at a time when stress was just about the only thing I had going on in my life. 

You may also be aware that I had a bit of a startling realization a few weeks ago.

Precisely two days later, I had an emotional breakdown in my doctor's office when I went in for a mostly routine exam.  

BTW - I'm spectacularly healthy, it turns out. I realize the timing of my disappearance and pending doctor's appointment was probably quite terrible to those I don't talk to all the time.  It appears my only health concern was my inability to productively deal with stress for the better part of the last two years.

That night, I talked to Francesca about it, and she helped to set my mind at ease.  If you don't have a Francesca, I implore you to please obtain one.  A level-headed BFF is just what every woman needs.  The next day, even though some things still hurt, I was feeling better about life in general.

Precisely four days after that was my birthday.  It being a Wednesday night, my actual birthday celebration was laid back - dinner with Mom and Dad, and visiting Francesca at the Rainbow with Bubbles and Mr. Tight Pants for a drink. That Friday night though, I cut loose and ended up having one of the best birthdays of my adult life - Just me and a group of friends, getting pizza and hitting up a couple of my favorite bars.  I woke up feeling like death, but very much loved.

And ever since then, life has been getting amazing.

See, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been doing those things that I used to do but somehow lost along the way.  I've been taking pictures, I've been writing, I've been reading.  I've been walking and exploring - and allowing myself to hope again.  I've been working my ass off at work and have been feeling the rewards - I'm buzzing with anticipation for good things that I hope are on the horizon for me.

I do find myself worrying - after a year of depression and anxiety - is this all a lie?  I wrote about it to my lovely Gracie the other day.  I told her that the happiness I've been feeling lately scares me a little - is this happiness and peace just a lie?  I suppose it would be easy to see it that way if I tried to convince myself that happiness is a constant and forgot that life is ups and downs.  Happiness is attainable - but it will occasionally hide away.  I just hope I can hold on to it and enjoy it for a longer span of time right now.

So even though I'm afraid of losing the good feelings - losing the peace - I'm not going to let that fear take hold and keep me from enjoying the peace and happiness I'm feeling right now.

I'm even letting myself consider the idea of romance again.  And by that - I mean I think I'm ready for that dive in head first kind of romance that's illogical and painful and probably a bit dangerous but can be so incredibly beautiful that it makes the scary parts even seem less scary.

The other day when Herbert and I took a walk by the river, we got into deep conversations about love and expectations.  I realized how silly my last serious relationship had been - A year into the relationship, there were not only warning signs, but flashing DANGER lights that we'd both chosen to ignore because neither of us wanted to be the bad guy and finally end things.  After those lights started flashing, it took me two more years of diffidence before I got up the courage to finally do what had to be done.  

I definitely deserve to live my life with a passion deeper than mere resentful tolerance.

And I'm taking the same stance with other relationships in my life.  I've begun limiting my exposure to the relationships which do not bring out the best in me.  I know I have my fair share of blame in how things in my life turn out, but I don't need to punish myself by allowing in more negativity more than I have to.  I want to be the Sword of Gryffindor and take in only that which makes me stronger.

I feel like I forgot how to take action in the last year - like I forgot I had power within me to make things better.  But now, I have my ideas before me and I just need to keep taking action - keep focusing on things that are within my control and how I can improve them.

Is it just me, or does it feel like change is in the air?

Much much love,
Annie Jay


PS - Lately I've also been thinking a lot about Kanye West and how I want to help make the world a better place.  I realize those two topics may seem mutually exclusive, but I promise, I'll explain soon. xoxoxo

PPS - Yes, I love my new apartment.  Life just feels easier here and I feel safer - the building's on lock down and the hallways are littered with cameras - I haven't even taken my sword out of its sheath since I moved in.  I didn't even realize just how unsafe I used to feel  until I started regularly walking around the new apartment with all of the lights turned off and wouldn't even feel a tingle of anxiety.  Plus, I wake up and go to sleep every night, surrounded by beauty - you can't help but feel happier when the aesthetics are exactly what you need.

PPPS - I didn't title this post until just now.  Now I'm going to have to buy a new copy of Ace of Base's album The Bridge because the one I got 20ish years ago is beyond readable.  Maybe I should bump my Ace of Base addiction into the 21st century and go digital....

Can I Please Be That Girl Again?

Before I get into my actual post - I turn 28 in exactly one week.  When I mentioned this to my boss she said “30 is the new 20, so it’s like you’re turning 18!” 

I responded “Sweet! Time to pick up a smoking habit and start binge drinking on a daily basis!”

I guess I should just stick to 28 ;-)

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Oh, and also, thanks to my fantastically amazing parents I’m 100% done with the Barpartment.  I went from not having a single thing moved to having everything moved and having the place perfectly cleaned within 4 days.  I’ve gotta say that is the fastest I’ve ever done that – and hope to never have to do it that fast ever again!

At least now is the better part – the unpacking.  My kitchen, bedroom and bathroom have a pretty good start.  Now I just need to figure out how the heck I’m going to arrange the living/dining spaces so I can unpack all of the other boxes.  Stupid L shaped living/dining space!  You’re too awkward for how I want to arrange you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, now for the real post -

As I said the other day, I was sick as hell last week.  I’m still not 100%, but I’m definitely more on the alive side of life than I was last week.

One thing about unexpectedly taking a week off of work is that you will suddenly find yourself in the midst of having nothing to do.  Plus, feeling like you’re wearing a cement body suit that doesn’t allow you to move or feel like a living human being also lends itself to having a lot of couch time.  Also, because the Barpartment was in such a state of chaos from my impending move, my bedroom was not a peaceful place, so most nights I fell asleep on my loveseat (which has now gone to furniture heaven).

So I did what I do, and I watched an ass-ton of Netflix while in the midst of a codine/NyQuil haze.

I watched at least one season of Star Trek the Next Generation.  I’ve been rewatching the series lately because I haven’t watched STTNG in earnest since I was a kid.  And I’ve finally gotten to the good seasons! If you’ve never watched STTNG but have a morbid curiousity about what this whole Star Trek phenomenon is all about, start on Season 3 or 4.  I won’t go into too much detail – if you want to read some awesome Trek reviews check out this awesome blog.

But because my drug-induced state wasn’t good for actual retention of information, I decided to put STTNG back on the (imaginary) shelf and I decided to rewatch Bones from the beginning. 

I’ve been a fan of this show for a few years now.  I love David Boreanaz (yes, because of Buffy and Angel) so when I first saw him acting in a new show I was totally on board.  I watched the first couple of seasons on Netflix a couple of years ago and have been following the latest episodes as they come out on Hulu+ ever since then.  But I wanted to start again from the beginning, so that’s what I did this last week.

Needless to say the show has been playing pretty much nonstop whenever I’m home.  Packing? Turn on the show.  Unpacking? Turn on the show.  Cleaning/sitting/doing laundry? Turn on the show.

I realized a couple of things when I was watching the show.

1. Bones kicks a lot of ass in the first few seasons.  I had forgotten how ass-kicky she used to be.  I kind of like it.

2. David Boreanaz is still freaking adorable sexy manliness.

3. Sickness, an excess of cough medicine and a wonky sleep schedule make me emotional when watching shows that get me in touch with my feelings.  Not like a “The world is shit and I am shit” kind of emotional, but a “That’s so deep and it’s so beautiful” kind of emotional.

4. I used to be Angela Montenegro – what happened to me?  Ok, ok, I was never a talented artist and my dad was never Billy Gibbons, but I used to be that kind-hearted free spirit.

As stupid as it sounds, the whole thing has got me reconsidering a lot about the way I’ve been living my life for the last year or so. 

Without getting into details, about a year ago I experienced a major life change.  In the long run, this change is definitely a positive thing, but because of what happened, I became a very defensive person.  I stopped letting myself feel things.  I stopped letting myself dream of better things, of a better way of life.  I stopped living my life for myself and started living it only to spite someone else. 

Yeah, that’s a pretty damn stupid way to live your life.

I need to get back to being the girl who will go and sit for hours outside and write or read – or who would at least pretend to do those things and get distracted people-watching instead. I need to get back to being the girl who would say yes to random invitations instead of staying home to be alone instead. I need to get back to being the girl who would feel things for the people around her instead of people the girl who was trying so hard to keep herself together that she couldn’t waste a moment ot ponder the emotions of anyone else.  I want to be the girl who isn’t afraid to love someone just because they might hurt her; I want to get back to being the girl who believes that even if something isn’t meant to be forever, it can be beautiful for a little while.

I want to be Angela Montenegro again.

Hopefully now that I’ve moved into a new place it will give me a new view of my life, free from the angst and negative energy that was associated with my old apartment.  It’s probably silly to place those hopes on a place, but I’m going to go ahead and be silly again, it’s what I would have done in the past.

Have you ever experienced anything like this?  Watched a show and identified so wholly with a character? Or have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered whose eyes were staring back at you?

Much love,

Annie Jay

The Tales of My Demise Are…Mostly Spot-On

In case you haven’t heard, I died last week.

At least it felt that way.

Although I had nowhere near the brush with death that Ash had last week (eegads!!) I felt like I was moments away from my first interview with the Grim Reaper. 

Influenza is a bitch.  Don’t get it.  It makes you feel like your arms and head and legs all want to be glued to the ground but your chest is all “We’ve gotta cough and jump and cough mothafuckaaaas!!”.

Influenza is a bitch especially when you are trying to finish packing for a move.

Thankfully, through the kindness and love of my amazing parents and wonderful friends, I was able to survive the week and get all moved into the new apartment.

I’ll be spending the next couple of days fully cleaning out the Barpartment, organizing (and perhaps naming? I’m up for suggestions!) the new homestead, and catching up on all of the blogs I missed last week in my DayQuil/NyQuil coma.

Hope you’re all doing splendidly!

Love and non-contagious kisses,

Annie Jay

Moving is Hard Work

Speaking of reupholstering furniture… Remember this post?

This is what my love looked like just a couple of weeks ago:

You're lookin' a little droopy there, gumdrop.

Well look at my baby now!

Damn girl, you are lookin fiiiiine!

Isn’t she lovely?  I did that on Saturday.  Now I just need to pay someone to make myself a double-welt cord to cover all of the trim and pay someone to sew a new cover for the bottom cushion and it’ll be all done!  My goal is to have the double-welt applied before the actual move on March 23^rd, but let’s be honest, that’s so not going to happen.

Why isn’t that going to happen?  Because in addition to packing up my entire collection of furniture, clothing and random items so that I can have everything moved out by March 23^rd (so I can clean the Barpartment and prepare for Natalia and the Penguin to move into in on March 30^th) I also have a ton of other things going on in the next 10 days!

This Saturday is my bestie, Foxxi’s, Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party.  I’m very much looking forward to this!  We’re renting a (hopefully) fancy house in the beautiful Galena Territories and planning to drink our faces off, enjoy the hot tub and have altogether ridiculous girly times.  However, between making a cake, preparing all of the food (with assistance from Francesca and Prudence) and setting up for the event, my Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday will be taken up with non-moving related tasks. (and I have no idea what punctuation should be used to make that sentence grammatically correct so please stop judging me)

Then, next Thursday is Best Fest!  This annual fundraiser for the local hospice is not to be missed.  I’ve had my ticket for two months.  We go in and for three hours you get to sample the best food, drinks and products of the tri-state area – as much as you want.  From 5:30-8:30 next Thursday I will also be drinking my face off.  So again, not doing anything related to moving.  Friday morning/early afternoon will be spent recovering but then it’ll be down to business Friday night.

So, with all of this going on, I am going to have a total of 5 full night to pack everything.

HOLY SHIT.  *ahem* Ok, so that’s the first time I’ve really let that soak in. Deep breaths…deep breaths…

Monday night I started packing.  I filled one gigantic box full of books and realized it was too heavy for even Lou Ferrigno to carry down the flight of stairs out of the Barpartment so I gave up on packing for the night.  Because I’m responsible.

Last night, however, was much more successful! 

Yesterday morning I signed my new lease and got my key!  I can’t start moving things in until March 23 (and I can’t cheat because they have surveillance cameras everywhere – stupid secure building!) because my lease isn’t officially valid until April 1 and if I wanted to move in as of March 15 I could have for an additional half-month’s rent, which I just simply couldn’t afford.  But she told me I was free to go look around the place and take measurements, which is exactly what I did last night!  Natalia, Francesca and Han all went with me to get a glimpse at my new digs. 

And you know the good thing?  I still love it!  *Whew* That’s a relief.

So after the new apartment tour last night I sat down and got to work.  I got all of my books packed into reasonably sized boxes.  I also packed my shoes (minus a few pairs for the next week), DVDs, video games and all of my breakable décor.  Tonight I’m hoping to finish packing everything in my spare room, dining room, living room and bathroom (again, minus what I’ll need for the next 10 days).  That way I can get to work on my kitchen and bedroom over the next week, which are both bound to take a long time.

I’m trying to stay all Zen and not let the stress of moving get to me too much… but who am I kidding?  I thrive on stress!  If my head explodes and I never write here again, please remember how brilliant I think you all are and that my favorite flowers (for the funeral, duh) are calla lilies.  And I like pandas, please bury me with a panda.

Hugsnkisses,

Annie Jay

Project Furniture Refurb!

So last night began Phase 1 of Project Furniture Refurb!

Let me first tell you the backstory of this little chair that I'm going to reupholster.  

When I was a teen, my mom liked to go to estate auctions and she got some totally sweet stuff for our house from those auctions, including my bad ass dresser which you can see the corner of in this picture:

I know, I'm sorry.  These are the pictures you get when
I choose to blog on my lunch break.  One day I'll be
a well-prepared blogger.

It is awesome and curvy and beautiful and it even has a secret drawer in it.  When mom brought it home and was cleaning it out we found a bunch of cool stuff in it.  Like a copy of the guy's will wherein he left his daughter only $5.  The previous owner of my dresser was awesome enough to not only have a dresser with a hidden drawer but he also was awesome enough to want to stick-it to his daughter with one of the best F-You's I've ever seen.

*ahem* 

Anyway.  

At that same auction, she bought my chair.  This, beautiful, beautiful beast:

Yes, I want the purple storage
ottoman and fainting couch too.

She hated it.  Mom always intended to recover the chair.  But in my 13-year old excitement, this was the coolest. fucking. chair. ever.

I told her I wanted it in my bedroom.  I thought its teal and olive swirl, shiny fabric was the most badass and romantic thing I'd ever seen.  So into my bedroom is went and there it stayed.  

Through countless moves to apartments and back to Mom and Dad's house the chair went with me wherever I went.  Until eventually, the last time I moved out, the chair was in too poor of a condition for me to let others use it.  So I left it in the basement of Mom and Dad's house for safe-keeping and for imagination to strike.

Last night, as soon as I got off work I trekked out to Mom and Dad's and talked to Mom about my plans to reupholster the chair.  Being my mother, and understanding her daughter's sometimes ill-conceived ideas, she tried to ground me in my pre-reupholstering excitement haze by relating to me stories of her own attempts at reupholstering in the past and how they had fared.

She knows that I like to ride on waves of excitement without thinking things through so she was being the realist that she is.  Being the heedless and headstrong person I am, I continued, undaunted.  I understand this will be a battle.  But I, like great generals before me, will march into this battle and fight tooth-and-nail until I have the most beautiful chair ever seen!  

So I gathered up my tools, say down by my chair and said a prayer to the upholstery gods that all would go well.  I petted the chair and told it I would take care of it.  I took a deep breath and began to strip the fabric off of it.

*GASP* It's like seeing your baby with its intestines hanging out of it.

Dad came downstairs and set in to helping me.  Whether it was to help me during this painful time of wounding my baby, or just to have a nice distraction for a Wednesday evening, I'll never know.  But together we stripped her back and sides and I began to plan for the next phase of the event.  

My fabric should be in by Friday, so hopefully within a week i'll have my darling all put back together and looking beautiful.  Pray for my darling chair as we undergo this daunting reconstruction.

Hugs n kisses,

Annie Jay

Just Gotta Say It

I got it!!! 

After a morning wherein I could focus on nothing other than the lack of an email telling me a decision on my apartment application, I finally just got the approval for my new apartment!!

I couldn't be more excited!  (Can you tell?)

Here's just a taste of what my new crib (yep, i said it) is going to look like:

This is a picture of the model apartment so expect my
actual home to look not so well-put together.

I have a feeling that the next month is going to fly by in a flurry of packing, refurbishing furniture, cleaning the Barpartment and repainting walls that I've riddled with nail holes.  (I'm so excited I actually almost typed "bullet holes".  No, no, just because I'm an American doesn't mean I stand around my apartment in assless chaps and a cowboy hat firing off my six-shooter and yelling "YEEHAAW!")  (And now that I've typed assless chaps I'm reminded about how I went to that motorcycle rally on Labor Day weekend and how excited I was to see assless chaps.)

Tonight starts Operation Chair Refurb.  This weekend I'll be moving on to sanding the finish off of the wooden furniture!

I hope you have a fantastic night, I know I will!

Much love,
Annie Jay

Wrap Yourself in Things to Warm You

Some people who only know my outward appearance think “There’s a girl who’s got it figured out!”  When I make an offhanded comment about being sad or frightened they laugh it off and act as if I couldn’t possibly be – because I’m Super Woman, undeterred by obstacles and negative emotions.  But the truth of the matter is that if you lived inside of my head, you would know that just about every day is a battle.

Every day is a battle to keep negativity at bay, to keep motivation in front of me.

I know that I am prone to depression and anxiety and for this reason I do whatever I can to wrap myself in positivity.  I believe wholly that the best way to keep myself from succumbing to the ever-present darkness curled around my ankles is to keep shining a flashlight of positive vibes down at it. 

It’s not easy.  Nothing that’s worth doing is easy.  But like housework, doing a little bit every day makes the work easier in the long run.

I feel like I write about this often.  And it’s because I see so many examples every day of people who allow themselves to be subjected to negativity that is completely within their control. 

I just wish more people got it.

Notice the main point back there?  It’s people allowing themselves to be subjected to negativity that is completely within their control.  I understand there are things that are outside of your control, but for the things that aren’t – get away!

My buddy Herb was at my house on Sunday and hung out with me while I played Mass Effect 3 on my Xbox.  He asked how far into the game I was and I told him I wasn’t very far because I take a long time to play video games.  This happens because if I fail a mission a couple of times and start to feel myself getting angry about it, I stop.  Video games are supposed to be my relaxation and my entertainment; they’re not worth getting angry over.

That situation is within my control, so I don’t stick with it when it becomes negative.  If I’m running along, killing the bad guys, saving the human race, I’m gonna keep playing.  If I’m consistently getting taken down by the baddies, it’s time to take a step back.   I also don’t watch movies or read books that are sure to make me cry unless I know I’m in a good place in my life.  I also don’t subject myself to people that only make me feel worse about myself.

You are in control of whether or not you subject yourself to negativity 99% of the time.

I have a friend, let’s call her Suzy, who is one of the sweetest but also probably one of the most depressive people I’ve known.  Suzy is a great person but has so many negative influences in her life, it’s hard for her to see the goodness that is within her.  I know how hard it is, and I know sometimes thinking happy thoughts just doesn’t help, but then she goes and does things that make me shake my head. 

Apparently she follows PETA on Facebook. 

Before I really get into this, let me please say that I love animals and I can’t stand the sadistic things that some people do to them.

However, I hate PETA.

I feel like PETA is an evil organization running around in a bunny suit and pigtails, bobbing their heads from side to side with a sadistic smile on their faces saying “We looooooves animalssss!”.  But in all actuality they’re hate mongers.  There simply has to be a better way of sharing the message of animal rights than how they go about things. (For instance, they could stop objectifying women and attacking strangers.  I pretty much have a problem with any organization that makes attacks on other human beings one of its major ways of “sharing the message”.)

So today Suzy was talking about this video that PETA posted on their Facebook wherein they show the way animals are skinned while still alive. 

(I seriously want to puke even writing that sentence)

She talked about how horrible it was because the animals were screaming as they were being skinned.  Of course they were fucking screaming!  What did you expect to see when the title of the video was “Animals beings skinned while still alive”? 

Suzy and I have the kind of relationship where we can be completely upfront with each other.  So we had this conversation:

Me: Why do you follow PETA?

S: Because I believe in the ethical treatment of animals.  I don’t believe people should wear fur and that we shouldn’t use animals for testing purposes.

Me: Ok, so did that video change your feelings about the ethical treatment of animals?

S: Well, it showed me that people don’t treat animals ethically.

Me: Did the video inspire you to do anything differently with your life?

S: No.

Me: Then did you need to watch a horrifying and emotionally scarring video in order to reaffirm your belief that people treat animals unethically?

S: No, but – *sigh* yeah, ok.

If all the video does is pump gruesome images into your head, it’s not accomplishing anything positive for you (or for the animals).

The same idea should be applied to anything – only surround yourself with positive people; only participate in positive activities that make you feel good about yourself; never allow anyone to degrade you; don’t degrade others; don’t tolerate negativity from other people or put negativity out into the world.

Trust me, I know it’s hard work to keep negativity at bay, but you can do it and your life will be better for it!

Hugs,

Annie Jay