Navigating The Friend Zone

I spend my time in the company of many men.

Oh Jesus…that is not supposed to sound nearly so “I rent hotel rooms by the hour”. 

We’re off to a good start here.  *ahem*

So.  

Dudes - I hang out with a lot of them.  I like to play video games; talk about sci-fi and politics; and have a dark sense of humor - these are all things that I find more commonly in men than I do in women (please forgive me for making gender-biased generalizations).  

Plus, men are just nicer to look at ;-)

This is always how my life has been and it’s been pretty damn good for the most part.  But the problem with this is that at all times, there's almost always someone stuck in… drum roll please…

The Friend Zone

Those of you who have lived in some mythical fairyland where the people you lust after lust after you equally - or who have been happily married since you were five-years-old - might not really understand the consequences of being in The Friend Zone.  

The Friend Zone is that dreadful limbo where you are stranded after meeting the man/woman of your dreams.  You begin to fantasize about a life together - a life filled with shared XboxLive accounts; couples' vacations to Comi-Con; and finally living that Han Solo/Princess Leia fantasy.

But then reality sinks in and instead of falling passionately in love, you fall madly into a brotherly friendship where high fives are the closest you’re going to get to bumpin and grindin.

We’ve all been there.  Every single one of us has at one point or another been in The Friend Zone.  I think I can also say with confidence that we have all, at some time in our lives put someone in The Friend Zone. 

None of us enjoy being there but we all tolerate it. Why?

We tolerate it because being granted with the company of the object of our affections is better than being shunned by him/her altogether.  And we just know that time - sigh - time is all we need.  We'll keep plodding along with the “friendship”.  We'll keep dropping everything and everyone to spend five minutes with our Friend.  We just know that if we're able to keep up the “friendship” that one day the stars will align and he/she will realize the mad love he/she has for us after all!

Because that's the beauty of The Friend Zone; it's never really about the friendship, it's about hope.  It’s about the hope that one day they will see you the way you see them.

So we live on in this charade of "friendship" and continue to pine away; chipping away at our souls bit by bit each day.

We laugh awkwardly and smash TVs whenever they mention a new romantic interest.  We hope that one day they’ll be drunk enough to awkwardly make out with us and awaken the sexual tension that has been brewing for years.  When we are on vacation, we dream about the return flight and how they’ll be waiting at the gate for us with tears in their eyes and a sign that says “Friendship Isn’t Enough”. 

We’re waiting for that grand awakening moment.

STOP IT.

Just. 

Stop.

Waiting.

Whether or not that day ever comes, I can guarantee you that it will never happen if you just continue to hang on to your fantasy.  Maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t.  But sitting around, waiting for that person to finally come to their senses is only hurting you in the long run.  They aren’t ready to wake up and see the awesomesauce that is you.

But someone else is.

I can guarantee you that someone else out there right now is looking for the Princess Peach to their Mario.  But you’re not going to see them if you keep holding on to your fantasies about your Friend.

Get out of The Friend Zone and throw your hot ass back into the world of single, smart, beautiful people just waiting to throw you against the wall and have their way with you until Happily Ever After.

Much Love,

Annie Jay

PS – You really have no idea how many “hand job” jokes I had to edit out of this piece.  I’m trying to class this joint up.  You’re welcome.

Wait Wait... Which Bar is Next?

*Disclaimer: This post is entirely about drunken antics.  If you don't like reading about mindless drunken antics - or if doing so makes you want to reach for a bottle of Jack right now - give this post about grudges and forgiveness a chance instead.  If you love reading about drunken buffoonery - read on!*

If you’ve been reading my posts for the last couple of days, you know I’ve been planning to tell you about Saturday and the fun times that ensued.  But now I’m sure I’ve built it up too much and when I tell you about it you’re going to be like “Really, this is what people do for fun in Iowa?”

Yes, yes it is.

I won’t get into all of the details because for the most part you just kind of had to be there.  But what happened is that 8 friends and I competed against 30 other teams in a downtown Pub Crawl/Scavenger hunt this last Saturday afternoon. 

Teams could be 1-6 people but we had 9 total so we decided to split into two teams and that we’d work together and then split the $500 grand prize.  Sure, $500 split 9 ways is only about $55 but we figured that if we won we’d at least be able to write the money spent at the bars that day off as a business expense.  Because drinking is a business when you do it the way we do.

Pretty much all day Friday was spent with mass emails racing back and forth about the plans for Saturday.  We decided that I would make lunch and have everyone over to the barpartment before the hunt so that no one would be drinking on an empty belly.  By the end of the day Friday, we were all so ridiculously excited.  I barely slept.  If you were checking the Facebook newsfeed for any of us Saturday morning you would’ve seen that we were all up early and taking care of our normal Saturday business so that we could devote the rest of the day to the mission.

At lunch, our typically boisterous group was subdued, like a group of soldiers preparing for battle.  We then carpooled downtown and went to the downtown bar, The Hub, to register at 1pm.  The next hour passed in flurry of activity as we registered, got our first beers of the day and The Hub filled with more teams for the hunt.  By the time it was all said and done there were about 30-40 teams.  Our teams were numbers 15 and 19. We had originally planned for both teams to go together but the rules sent us in different directions so we planned to meet up and compare answers before the closing ceremonies.

In case you’ve never participated in a Pub Crawl Scavenger Hunt (this was my first time), here’s how it works:

• Rule #1 – No driving.  Everything was within about a 10-block radius and you’d be walking no more than about 3 blocks between bars so taxis weren’t even needed.
• At each bar you would get a clue telling you what bar to go to next – This was very easy as they gave you a picture of the bar and a clue.  They knew they were creating a scavenger hunt for drunks.
• You also get a piece of paper with approximately 10 trivia questions at each bar.  These trivia questions could be about the history of the bar, about sports, about music – anything that relates to the bar itself.
• Then you have to take a picture with your team and one of the bar’s icons (for instance the giant painting of JFK on the wall at The Hub) and email it to the event organizers.
• We also had to take a picture of our team on the walking bridge across the highway (this is how they prevent you from just running across the highway while drinking – smart people organized this)
• They gave each team a mylar M&M balloon that they had to keep alive the entire night, this lead to many interactions with other teams trying to break each other’s balloons.
• They also spelled out the words “Bud Lights” (the hunt was sponsored by the local Anheuser-Busch distributor) and for extra credit you had to collect something that started with each letter. 

The extra-credit items were the most fun to collect.  We started off collecting somewhat mundane things but in the end we had some rather hilarious items.  Since one of the letters was “U” every team we ran into had at least one person who would come up to us and say “I don’t have any underwear on! I donated it to the cause!”  Oh, well, thank you for sharing. 

We opted not to go for underwear.  We went classy and got a urinal cake instead.  No no, we didn’t pry it from a urinal.  We asked our bartender friend to give us a fresh one.  At least I’m pretty sure that’s how it went down.  I wasn’t part of the process of procuring the urinal cake. 

I went classier and bought a Lifestyles Condom from a bathroom condom vending machine so we would have an “L”.  That’s me baby - all class, all the time.

Throughout the course of 5.5 hours, our team visited 10 bars, answered all of our questions, ate greasy bar food and came up with some great extra credit items. 

The highlights of the event:

• Seeing old friends I haven’t seen in years.
• Meeting new people.
• Playing with a lightsaber.
• My buddy Phin getting a tattoo in the midst of our hunt.  (We used “Tattoo receipt” for our extra credit “T”)  No seriously, this really happened.
• Running away from my team at one of our last bars.
• Finding our other team while I was running away from my own.
• Using the fire exit and setting off the alarm at one of the bars.  Twice.
• Sitting under a table with our other team’s Team Captain at the closing ceremony talking about what horrible Team Captains we are - right as they announced - 

WE WON! 

You would have thought that we had won the lottery with the way we were cheering. 

We collected our prize and ran outside to leap up and down with joy and count out our money.  And I mean we stood outside screaming out “20-40-60…” and on until we got to $500. 

We also might have set a world record for quantity, quality, and volume of "Woo"s in a 15-minute time frame.  Oh, who am I kidding? I didn't stop "Woo"ing until I fell asleep.

Then we went to the local karaoke bar to drink celebratory shots and to lift our voices up in joy.  I sang.  I don’t remember what exactly.  But I definitely sang. 

We were back to the barpartment by 11pm, enjoying leftovers from lunch and ready to pass out fall asleep. 

I’m sure this day doesn’t sound that extraordinary to a lot of people, but the all-day camaraderie and teamwork was just freakin fun.  Running all over downtown on our mission, meeting people we’d never met before, going to new places, spending time with people I love – it was just all freakin fantastic – all topped off by winning. 

And damn, do I love winning.

Highfives,

Annie Jay

Shhhh, Don't Cry. You're Gonna Be Juuust Fine.

Notice to single men of the Tri-State area: I’m taking myself off the market.

Now, now, dry those tears you little stud muffins – I’ll be back in a month or so.

I’ve had quite a few interesting encounters over the last several months (including one dismal attempt at a relationship with the man who will heretofore be known as "The Replay". Part 1 - The Beginning and Part 2 - The End.) and now - taking a page out of the blog of my friend over at Once in A Blue DC Moon – I’m taking a time out from the dating scene.

I’m off the online dating sites. Profiles = deleted.

I’m done with those text message flirtations.  Text someone else, my friend.

When I go out with my friends it will be solely to have fun with my friends and not to mack on boys.

The last several months have made me become a little fed-up with the whole process of dating and relating to new people. 

I’ve been like Goldilocks and the Twenty Potential Suitors.  This one’s too short, that one’s too messy.  This one likes football too much, that one plays too much DND.  This one is too wild, that one’s too tame.  That one’s an Evangelical Christian, this one’s a metal-head.  The list goes on and on and on and on and on -

But there’s never one who’s just right.

So until I am willing to appease myself with the ones who are almost right again, I’m just going to take a breather.  I'm going to get back to doing things I like just because I like them.  I'm going to get back to going to coffee shops on my own just to soak up new atmospheres while I work on my writing.  I'm going to spend more time with my family.  I'm going to spend less time as a hermit in my apartment waiting around for boys.

Now, who wants to have completely meaningless, no-strings-attached sex? 

Shit.  I’m already doing this wrong.

Heartsnthings,

Annie Jay

Are We All Cowards?

This month has been… well – hell - it’s been a month.

Remember how I wrote about that potential relationship a while ago?  Turns out that after a few weeks that were awesome – having fun together, sharing the financial burden of that fun and seeing each other all the time – we suddenly started having awkward time together, I was paying for things left and right (without any sharing on his end) and we were rarely seeing each other due to scheduling conflicts.  After weeks of frustration, in which he kept assuring me he wanted to be with me but making absolutely no effort to be with me, I finally just told him the ball was in his court.

That was over a week ago and he never even responded to that message.  (Yes I said that to him in a text message – I wanted to talk in person but we could never get together so I finally put it in a text.  Lame, I know, but beggars can’t be choosers.)

The cowardice of it baffles me.  Instead of saying “I can’t wait to see you again!” why not just say, “I’m sorry, this just isn’t working for me.”?  Is it so you never have to be the bad guy?  Well, just so you know, your inaction just makes you look like a douchehole anyway.

But this whole thing just has me thinking about what a bunch of cowards we all are. (“We” being any of the young adults that I know who are not currently in relationships but want to be.)

We all walk around thinking “Well, if this person wanted to [talk to me/date me/take me home for the night for some fast and dirty lovin’] they would make the first move.”  But since we’re all thinking that way no one is getting talked to/dated/used for one-night stands.  And it’s just stupid. 

Even if you happen to find yourself in a relationship (apparently by use of magic since neither of you was brave enough to approach the other), no one knows how to ask for what they need.  Or we’re all too afraid of winding up alone again that we just sit back and deal with whatever bullshit comes our way.

At least, this is what I see a lot of my friends going through. 

How is it that such a fun, independent, intelligent crowd can be so lame when it comes to forming new relationships?  Even for myself, the only move in my book is the good old shy-girl standard “become friends and sit back and hope that one day he realizes he loves you and wants to be with you forever” move.  How is it that I don’t even know how to talk to a man unless it’s about video games?  I’m gifted at making small talk and I'm reasonably intelligent.  You might not believe that because of my tendency to butcher English grammar and my preference for the word “fuck” over “copulate”, but really, I’m not a dumby.

Why does an intelligent, fun-loving, attractive girl have such a hard time going up to a man and asking him on a date? 

Because I’m a coward.  I’m terrified of being turned down – or worse, outright laughed at and walked away from.  Why don’t I have the stones to walk up to that cute man I always run into at the bookstore and ask him if he’s single?  I already know we have similar interests – like Christopher Moore books.  Why don’t I just say, “So, what was your favorite - Island of the Sequined Love Nun or Fluke? By the way, want to get a coffee and/or make out with me?”

That’s it.  I’m doing it. 

I’m going to make it my goal this week to ask a man on a date.  Anyone have any suggestions?  I can’t just stalk the aisles of BAM! like a creeper and hope that scruffy looking man walks in.

*deep breaths*

I can do this… I can do this…

No really – Help.  Please?

Kissykissy,

Annie Jay

Mosquitoes, Assless Chaps and Beer - Must be Labor Day!

I’m about to go off the grid.

And maybe die.

Not because I’m going off the grid (though it might feel like that’s why), just because this weekend is bound to be so much ridiculousness I might. actually. die.

I’m going camping at a huuuuuge party in a field.  This might sound weird until you remember that I live in Iowa, and we’ve got LOTS of fields in Iowa and it’s really quite common for there to be huge parties in fields in Iowa.

And Skid Row is going to be playing.  Once again: in a field – in Iowa.

Now, I’m not a fan of 80’s hair bands, but I’m going to listen to them and rock-out anyway.  Why? Because:

A.)   I’ll be drinking. Duh.

B.)   Francesca loves 80’s Hair Bands and she isn’t going to be able to attend.  So I’m going to listen so I can pour one out for my homie while I listen to I Remember You.  And I will sing along.  But only because I know The Ataris version, because there was a time in my life when I really loved pop-punk.

C.)   I’ll be drinking.  Again, duh.

One of my best friends, Chris, invited me to go along and I was all “Hmm… maybe I’ll sit at home and watch Pretty Little Liars instead.”  Then he told me I wouldn’t have to pay for anything (!) and that I would be going with him and two of our other amazing friends.  Then I realized this was an opportunity to experience a party like I’ve never seen before – and to hang out with bikers.

And I don’t mean spandex-and-yellow-jersey-wearing bikers, I mean assless-chaps-and-bandana-and-harley-t-shirt-wearing BIKERS.  I’ve never even been on a motorcycle, let alone hung out with these kinds of bikers before. (Thanks to my dad’s love of bicycling I’ve hung out quite a bit with the other kind.)

I’m actually going to be drinking for 4 days straight… with bikers.

This is why I’m pretty sure I’m going to die. 

Sure, I’m trying to convince myself that I’ll do productive things, like write and read a couple of the books I’ve started – I have those things packed in my bag – but let’s be honest here: you don’t go to a party in a field where Skid Row is going to be playing without being drunk the whole time.

So think of me as you do respectable things this weekend, I certainly won’t be doing anything respectable. 

I hope you all have a fabulous Labor Day Weekend as well!

Love yous,

Annie Jay

PS: I’ll tweet pictures of myself looking drunk and disgusting if I get a signal.  <3

What the World Needs Now

In case you didn’t know…

Today is Valentine’s Day!!

(I’ll let you get your groans out…)

I know. I know.  It’s a materialistic, capitalistic, sham of a holiday.  But you know what? 

I love it.

Not for the materialistic, sham-tastical, oh-my-heart-is-a-flutter-with-my-insane-bordering-on-creepy-love-for-this-boy reasons.  Hell, in my entire life I’ve celebrated only 3 Valentine’s Days with a boyfriend (the same boyfriend).  Of those, only one of them was romantic (the first one), one was boring (the third one), and the other was tragic (more on that next week). 

All of my boyfriend-less V-Days have been spent in the company of my good friends or my family.  So really, for me, Valentine’s Day has always been about celebrating the non-romantic but incredibly important love I have in my life.  Of course, I try to make it a point to tell the people I love that I love them often, not just on a particular day of the year.  But there’s something about celebrating non-romantic love on Valentine’s Day that just makes me feel all warm and gooey inside.

Love isn’t about presents – even of the shiny, sweet, sticky, or sweaty varieties – it’s about presence.  Spend time in the company of others and let them know how much that time means to you.  Studies show that people who love people live happier, healthier, longer lives. 

So whether you think Valentine’s Day is a sham or a lame excuse for people to spend ridiculous amounts of money on their significant others, make some time today for the people you love.  Hug them.  Kiss them. Spank them – whatever trips your trigger. 

Hugs, kisses and spankings to you all! Xoxoxo

~Annie Jay