True Love: Introducing a New Blog Series

I’ve been thinking about love for the last few months.

I know you’re sitting there thinking “Oh my god! I’ve been waiting for someone to talk about this topic!”  I know, it’s cutting edge stuff.

But here’s the deal; the world kind of… sucks – sometimes.

(No, I could not choose which punctuation to use there, thankyouverymuch)

And most of the time we don’t have the energy to deal with all the sucky parts so we turn off all our feeling parts and instead turn to distractions that take us out of the present and throw us into a nice numb world where nothing feels bad.  Nothing feels all that good, but that’s alright if it also gets rid of the bad.

In the World of Feelings, we have to deal with the fact that some of those things feel rough around the edges, or prickly, or stabby, or tear-my-heart-out-stab-it-with-an-arrow-and-throw-it-into-the-lava-pits-of-Mordor-y. 

But I think a lot of us forget that by turning off the Sucky, you turn off all the things that feel smoother than silk on your skin.  You turn off all the things that taste like devil’s-food cupcakes with raspberry filling and cream cheese frosting being served to you by Ryan Gosling and Joseph Gordon-Levitt wearing perfectly tailored suits and - *ahem* …where was I?

Sometimes, when you’ve spent so much time in the Land of the Sucky – or in No-Feelings Land – it’s hard to trust the Good Feelings when they come along.  You fear that if you trust them, they’ll just disappear again and it’s just so much easier to keep on being numb instead.  So you don’t invite the Good Feelings to your dinner table and instead, you just keep on keepin’ on. 

Wake up.  Drink coffee.  Go to work.  Come home.  Make dinner.  Zone out.  Go to sleep.  Repeat.

Meh. It’s not bad.

But –

HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? You’ve got one life to live, Puddin’ Cup.  If you’re reading this, chances are, you’re somewhere in your 20’s or 30’s so even if you only live until you’re 70-years old, that’s a solid 40-50 years left of this bullshit.  Is “Meh” really all you want your life to be?

I’m not saying that you have to go out and start jumping out of airplanes or stealing submarines. (But seriously, who wants to go steal a submarine with me?)  It’s totally ok to lead a perfectly normal life – but just remember to experience your life.  It’s important to let yourself feel the good feelings, just as much as it’s important to feel the bad feelings.

So starting today, I’m beginning a new blog series.

I don’t know how often I’ll post, or how many I’ll post but posts there will be. Posts posts posts.

I often find that it’s easiest to reflect on the bad things in my life, so for the purposes of this blog series, I’m going to be focusing on good things – specifically – love.

Because when you get right down to it, love is pretty much everything. 

I won't just talk about romantic love.  I’ll tell you stories of times when I witnessed love manifest in a new couple and in a long-existent one.  I’ll tell you about times when I saw love pushed to the limit and times when it came easy.  I’ll tell you about times where love was weird and times when love was so sugary sweet you’ll need a root canal by the time you’re done reading.

And sometimes I'll just talk about this pile of kittens.

Love is more than just what happens with you and your significant other - it's realizing that someone is going to be ok when they haven't been for such a long time.  It's realizing you can look in the mirror and be happy with the face looking back at you.  It's the teeniest tiniest moments that stick with you through the decades.

It's called the True Love series.

Hopefully by sharing stories of the various manifestations of love I’ve witnessed it will help you to recognize similar times in your own life. 

If you have anything that you’d like to add to the conversation, just shoot me an email at thegrowupplan@yahoo.com.  Email me your own stories, questions, or anything that you feel would be worth talking about here.  You can also join in the conversation in the comments down below.

I’ll be posting the first story in the morning.  Stay tuned!

Hugs and Kisses,

Annie Jay

A Clean Slate and Putting Up With Less Than You Deserve

This kitten has absolutely nothing to do with this blog.
He's just here to be adorable.  Good job, Wulfie.

(For those of you who’ve been reading my blog for some time, you’ll notice that some things are missing… like the last two years’ worth of blogs.  Sometimes you just want a clean slate, ya know?)

It’s Saturday.

I woke up at 7am with the knowledge that I had a ton of stuff to get done before a birthday party I’m going to this afternoon. 

Naturally, this means I have been finding every excuse I can to procrastinate doing what actually needs done.

Thus the revised blog.

As you know (or don’t know, if this is your first time here), I’m writing a book.  I came to terms with the idea about three or four months ago and set myself a target deadline for having it written.

I will have my book written by May.

But as it turns out, writing a book is more than just merely thinking up random situations and hijinks to throw your characters into.  It seems that writing a book, especially a sci-fi space-travel book, means creating not just a world, but an entire universe.  And I don’t’ know about the rest of you, but if God created the heavens and the earth in only seven days, he must’ve been mainlining coffee-laced crack-cocaine to get the job done so quickly.

How will the physics of this world work? Are the planets that my hero visits inhabited by human settlers, or different humanoid-ish species, or something in between? Does everything I write only seem to be derivative of one of the hundreds of sci-fi/fantasy stories I’ve heard before or am I straight up plagiarizing my favorites? Do I need to worry about the fact that at this point in all of my characters seem to be speaking with the same voice – namely, my voice?

And most of all, it’s no wonder that I find the character and place names in Dune to be so laborious to read. (Tlielaxu, indeed.  WTF, Frank Herbert?)  How does a person create differentiated and memorable names for alien lands and species when one only has the mildest understanding of how our modern Earth languages are formed?  At times it feels like I should just free fall into the English alphabet and pull out letters at random in order to name places.  They can’t all be called New Iowa, right?

Needless to say, although I’m over 100 pages into my writing, I’ve decided to start over.  Relax; I’m saving what was written so I can use it again in the future.  I just need to get to know my universe better before I can send my hero on an epic quest to save it.

But still, I have four and a half months to get at least a shitty first draft of my book written.  I think I can handle that.

In other news –

It’s surprising what a difference sleeping on a level surface can make in a person’s life.  (How’s that for segues?)

Over a year ago, when I was still living at the Barpartment, I realized that one of the casters attached to my bed frame was bent.  After ten-years of drunken sleepovers and countless hamster-piles, I guess the sonovabitch decided it needed a reprieve.  It was only slightly bent, so using the carpeting in my bedroom at the Barpartment I was able to keep the caster held in place and I didn’t think of it again until moving into my current apartment.

My bedroom now has polished concrete floors,which means that not only was there nothing to aide with holding the bent caster in place but my bed was also extremely prone to rolling around in the middle of the night.  It was not uncommon for me to awaken to my alarm and find that my bed had rolled three feet from the nightstand the alarm sat upon.  This motion surely helped in worsening the bend in the caster, but hindsight is hindsight.

Shortly after moving into my apartment last April, I began to wake up every day with a sore back, barely able to move.  By July, my morning routine would include vain attempts at stretching, shedding tears as I shampooed my hair, and eventually popping a couple Aleve to get me through the day. 

“My body is aging before its time,” I emphatically told myself with the depressing clarity that comes only when one is sure that they have reached the end of their lifecycle.

(*ahem*…You may or may not know that I often like to ignore the rational part of my brain that tells me when I’m overreacting about things.  This was definitely one of those times.  Just like when I was five-years old and screamed and cried as a chipmunk tried to befriend me.)

It took until October for me to figure out that what was really happening was that I had been sleeping on an incline.  Apparently facing my imminent demise was more exciting than taking a moment to follow the logical thought process from “Hmm, I wonder if I should investigate what’s causing this problem?” to “Oh, duh. My feet are a good four inches lower than my head each night.  I bet my spine hates that.”

No, I lived for six months considering how I would tell my parents that they would soon be caring for their invalid daughter.  Some part of me even spent the time rejoicing at how much writing I’d get done when luxuries like walking and sitting were no longer an option for me.  It was all very romantic, in that depressingly pitiful sort of way.

Until one day when I snapped out of whatever stupor I was in and realized that there is a hell of a lot more life left in these rattling old bones.  I could put up with my situation, or find a way out of it.  Luckily, the remedy was as simple as removing my bed frame and moving the fuck on with my life. 

The whole debacle has made me aware of how easy it can be to accept what seems to be the worst-case scenario (I’m dying) instead of looking for a simple solution (take the frame off the damn bed) to improve everything.

So why the hell did I feel the need to share this sad little tale with you all? 

Well, I think a lot of us tend to put up with shittiness like this from time to time without considering the ways that we can improve our situation.  In my case, it probably had a lot to do with fear. 

If I always kept the “maybe my bed’s just fucked up” thought in the very back of my mind, I could ignore the possibility that maybe I had a back issue I needed to deal with.  Because if I fixed the problem with my bed frame and the back problems persisted, I had a much scarier process of figuring out what was actually wrong with my body to face.  That thought alone was scary enough to keep me sleeping on a slant for six months.

Taking such a simple action required little actual physical effort (although, do try removing a bed frame while balancing a queen-size box spring and mattress on your back and then tell me how easy it was for you) but I had to cross some mental hurdles to get myself there. 

What shittiness are you putting up with out of fear?  Maybe it’s as simple as removing a bed frame.  But maybe it’s something more.  Either way, fear is never the reason to put up with less than what you deserve.

And in case you’re wondering – you deserve awesomeness.

Much Love,

Annie Jay

PS – I find it really creepy that as soon as I got done writing this post I went on Facebook and saw a link to this TED-Talk in my newsfeed.  I guess the NSA really is watching what I do online.  At least they’re being helpful about it.  http://ed.ted.com/lessons/how-to-build-a-fictional-world-kate-messner

Swimming Pools, Ghosts, and Little Victories

It was a Wednesday in mid-July and the weather was a brutal 90 degrees with humidity that made the Weather Channel’s “Feels Like” temperature show 5,000 degrees.

Around noon, Francesca texted me, “That’s it.  We need to go water-walking tonight.”

It would be our first time joining the blue-hairs for water-walking at the public pool.  They say your late 20’s is the time to plan for your future – we were just looking 35 years ahead.

After work, I forged the river that was the atmosphere en route to my car.  I rushed home, visions of beautiful, blue, chlorine-filled coolness dancing in my mind.  After I put on my swimsuit, I readied my pool-going accessories and ran out of my apartment building.  I jumped back into the car and drove to pick up Francesca.  We arrived at the public swimming pool, found a parking spot, organized our towels and sunblock, and began the walk to the pool entrance.

That’s when an unexpected wave of panic hit me.

“Whoa.”  I said to Francesca as I stopped walking.  “I’m dealing with some issues right now.”  I felt my stomach contract and my chest tighten.  Francesca, who had been complaining about the heat all day, looked at me in a tone that made it clear ten-years of friendship was nothing compared to her need to be immersed in cool, chemically treated water.

“I’m sorry.” I said, swallowing the dense oxygen and trying to regain control of my body’s senses.  “It’s been over fifteen years since I’ve been here and there’s a lot of emotional shit I have to deal with, apparently.”

When I was a kid, the pool was awesome.  I loved swimming.  I felt like I could do anything as long as I was in the swimming pool.  I could swim faster, hold my breath longer, and swim deeper than anyone else.  The pool was my arena.  The other kids had soccer and basketball and football – the pool was mine.

But outside of the water - amongst the rows of sun-bathing teenagers with their judgmental scowls, around the boys I had crushes on who refused to acknowledge my existence, and in the locker rooms where my elementary school nemeses lurked – those places were my hell at the public pool.  How I longed for the weekend camping trips my parents would make to Devil’s Lake where I could finally feel safe at a swimming area without fearing the repercussions of being slightly chubbier than my peers. 

All of those little hurts from so long ago that I hadn’t even thought about for fifteen years came rushing back to me as we walked to the pool’s entrance.  To make matters worse I didn’t have my swimming shorts with me.  I was going to have to drop my towel and walk to the edge of the pool, bare, cellulite-ridden thighs and all. 

“This is ridiculous! I’m an adult now!” I practically shouted it as Francesca glowered at me, sweat beading on her brow.  I took a few deep breaths and tried to channel as much positivity as I could muster as we arrived at the entrance.  “I can do this.”

I kept my eyes directed at the ground the entire time I walked through the locker room, fearing the ghosts of past tormenters that might jump out at me.  We picked a place to set our things and Francesca easily dropped her towel and stood confidently as she waited for me to quit dawdling. 

Finally, I took one last deep breath and dropped my towel.  We quickly walked to the pool’s edge and slipped into the water.

And oh the relief!

The panic washed away as soon as I got into the pool, just as it always did when I was a kid. 

Francesca, finally being cooled, also lightened up as soon as we got into the heavenly water.  I’m pretty sure we stood there giggling for five minutes before we actually started walking.

Natalia and Prudence joined us after a few minutes and we all walked.  Then we discovered that perhaps we’re just a bit too young to do something like water-walking.  We still enjoy splashing and playing a bit too much for the Adult Swim, but perhaps we can fake it well enough on those hot summer days that we’ll be able to go back.

As the time for water-walking came to an end my mood had lightened to the point of giddiness at being with my girlfriends.  The water had washed away enough of the ghosts of my childhood pain that I jumped out of the pool and thought:

Fuck it.  Let those bitches see my thighs.

I think it’s safe to say that childhood Annie won a little victory that day.  That one's for you, kid.

Hugsnkisses,

Annie Jay

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

 Wow.  It’s been over a month since I last wrote something here!

I’d like to say that the reason that I haven’t posted anything new is just because I’ve been so ridiculously busy having fun and making waves in my life that I haven’t had time to think about this blog.

But that would be a lie.  I have mainly been unable to write anything that I thought was worth sharing.  I could write about being broke, I could write about how I feel like I'm going through some sort of transition in my personal behaviour, I could write about the potential love affair I almost had but that then turned awkward and weird... but all of those things just never felt right to write about or I couldn't wrap my head around them enough to explain what was going on.

Finally, I'm at a point where I have other stuff I want to write about - like sharing with you some of my plans and some of the things I've been ruminating on for the last few weeks.  But first, I just want to play a little game of catch-up.  

Because it is summer - and I have been having lots of fun.  Here are some picture highlights and quick captions from my last month:

June 22-24: Was a weekend of River!  The water was high as hell so we didn't get to go to some of my favorite places on the boat (because they were underwater) but we did an all-day/all-night river excursion on Saturday and spent Sunday floating above an island.

We were traveling super fast in this picture so it's all
kinds of blurry, but you get the idea!

Oh the muddy, muddy Mississippi

June 29-30:  A group of my friends went camping.  They were only about an hour away, so The Boss and I went up to visit them during the day.  As soon as we all arrived and as soon as everyone got their tents set up in poured rain.  After the rain stopped, we got to go tubing (some people call it "floating") on a flooded campground that had a river running through it.  We played on flooded playground equipment and even though I got a huge gash in my foot, I managed to not get dysentery.  And no one fried by the electrical transformers which were also flooded.

The campsite after we'd all been drenched with rain.

July 3-7: I had an awesome long holiday weekend.  Watched the fireworks on the 3rd.  Spent the 4th recovering from a night of drinking out of my "magic cup" that never held the same beverage twice and never went empty.  The 5th we went out on the river again and then we went out on the town that night. The 6th and 7th I spent recovering from the madness.

Definitely one of the best pictures ever taken of our rag-tag group (plus, we were right in front of where they
were doing the July 4th air show, so there's a pretty sweet airplane in the background)

My favorite group of party girls

When he's not busy carrying whole trees on his shoulders,
this boy likes to party with the girls (who can blame him,
did you see those hotties up there?)

July 12-14: A huge group of my friends went camping.  We drank something like three bottles of whisky/whiskey, 2 bottles of vodka and roughly 390 beers.  We went tubing on a nice, non-flooded river and I got to use my solo tent.  The weather was perfect so I didn't have to use my rain fly and was able to stare up at the stars all night long.  

Some of my favorite moments of the trip - 

• The first night was just a huge party where we were all happy to be there and to be with each other.  
• After roughly a million hours of drinking, our entire crew took a walk to the river where we stomped around in our non-swimming clothes and giggled a LOT.
• Falling asleep in my tent while admiring the endless stars above me.
• Tubing the next day - water, sunshine (well... a little bit of sunshine), beer and best friends, ahhh nice.
• The second night, sitting by the river at midnight, for hours, talking with some of my closest friends about some intense subjects and counting shooting stars.

And some of my favorite pictures...

My baby tent.  All screen = Soo many stars!

Playing in the river - beer in hand - backpack cooler - flashlight - giggles

This is what happens when I steal The Boss's camera

Those are some pasty, highly attractive SOBs

July 19-21:  We went to Chicago to celebrate Han's birthday.  We actually stayed in Rosemont on the outskirts of the city, so sadly I didn't actually get to go into the city - but we had a great time!  We went to an arcade filled with old school arcade games that were all set to free-play.  We played for hours.  We swam, went to the zoo and got heat exhaustion, but also saw some dinosaurs, and had a nice dinner at his aunt's house.

Because DINOSAURS

July 26-29:  One of my favorite coworkers/honorary little sisters got married Friday night.  It was a beautiful outdoor reception in the countryside.  She looked absolutely gorgeous and the weather was perfect.  Saturday, Sunday and Monday I spent time with my Swiss cousins who came to town!  More on this in a future post! It was the first time I'd met one of them and only the second time I'd met the other.  We had a great time together and enjoyed making jokes about weird things - like ice cream trucks driven by child molesters.

Aaaaand - that's about it!  So it's been a fun month.  I hope you're all having a great summer.

Much love,

Annie Jay

No Longer a Landlubber

Oh hi!

Remember how I wrote about that interview I was going to have?  Well, I got the promotion!

Big smiles :-D

*whew* So glad that is over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news - it's 86 degrees outside and I'm working when all I really really want to do is be here:

Either at Devil's Lake State Park in Baraboo, WI, or in a kayak, or both.

Or here:

Chillin' in the bow of Dixie on the Mighty Mississippi.
Even on a cloudy day, there's nowhere better to be.
(and yes, feet are gross, but this picture makes me happy anyway)

Or here:

Once again... Dixie with three of my favorite men after an all-day regata.

I've lived in a river town my entire life and I've always felt a connection to bodies of water - breathing is just easier when I'm near the river or my favorite lake.  As soon as I learned to drive I would often spend days sitting by the river and writing or reading.   Plus, I love to swim and play in the water.

But I never used to like actually going on the river in boats.  I actually used to have a terrible fear of being in any watercraft smaller than a yacht (not that I'd ever been in many of those).  I'm not kidding - I'd have full-blown panic attacks - hyperventillation, crying - all that jazz.

Like I said, I love to swim, and I'm actually quite good at it.  So the fear wasn't really about drowning or of the water itself.  The fear was about being thrown overboard, or capsizing and getting sucked under, or hurt somehow on my way into the water - I was afraid of something happening to make it so I'd be unable to swim myself to safety.

My mother, who had been witness to my fear on many occasions and who didn't want her water-loving daughter to live with such a handicap (bless her) thought it would be a great idea if we took mother/daughter canoeing lessons when I was 16 or 17 years old.

I was skeptical, but she invited her best friend and her daughters who were my best friends to join in the lessons with us.  I'm sure there must have been some other threats or bribes going on that made me agree to participate in the lessons - or it was simply a matter of pride for me since the other girls were joining us - but I agreed nonetheless.

Our first day, we met our instructor in the parking lot of a local marina.  He explained that we would just be paddling around the marina that day and wouldn't go into the actual river.  That didn't sound too bad to me because although the marina was deep, there would be a dock or shore near enough if my worst fears came true.

After we spent some time standing next to our canoes and learning how to paddle, it was time to get in and give it a try.  Mom and I lugged our canoe to the water.  She held the canoe in place while I tentatively stepped in.  I took my seat and did my best to stabilize the canoe with my paddle as Mom took her seat.

My heart raced and my breath started coming out in short gasps as we paddled into the middle of the marina.

"Keep calm, Ann." Mom said from her seat behind me.

"Shut up, Mom!" I yelled back at her, trying and failing to keep the panic at bay.  (This was at a tenuous time in our relationship, what with me being a teenager and all.)

We paddled some more.  I looked back and we were about 100 feet from the shore.

The next thing I knew, something was very wrong.  My hands were still on the paddle, but something was definitely very wrong.  My legs felt too free and my oxygen tasted too fishy.

I was in the water.

Of course I was in the water.

After what felt like three hours, I fought my way back to the surface.  I checked to make sure my mom wasn't drowning - she wasn't.  In fact, she had her head above water, an arm over the canoe and was simultaneously cussing and laughing.  I glared at her before I started swimming back to shore.  She laughed at me and I continued to swim on even though she was asking me to help her lug the canoe back to shore.

But at that point, I knew that I was right and she was wrong - watercraft were the devil and that class was stupid.  For the rest of the course (3-5 more sessions) I would be forced to go along with my mother but refused to get back in a canoe.  I would instead sit and read - and glare anytime she'd try to show me how much fun it was.

To this day, we disagree over who ended up tipping the canoe.  I blame her for paddling too hard, she blames me for being too fidgety.  But once again, I'm sure I'm right.

A couple of summers later, I ended up going camping with some friends.  That was when I was finally able to get into a canoe and actually enjoy myself.

Then, several years ago, my friend Mac started taking us out on the river in his dad's boat.  It still took all of the courage I had to get into the boat, but I started going and I started enjoying myself.  Then, a few years ago, Mac bought his own boat.

Mac and I have been friends for many years, so he knows two things about me:
1.) I get panicky in boats
2.) I'm a control freak.

So he took those two things and put them together.  The conclusion he came to was that I needed to learn how to drive the boat.

I'm not going to say that it totally fixed the fear - I still have to huddle in the back of the boat with my head buried in my lap if we're going to be going very fast - but it definitely helped!  Now that I understand exactly how the boat is supposed to move through the water and cut through the waves, I can understand what motions are normal and I'm able to recognize when there might be actual danger.

Thank the gods that I've learned to love going out on boats.  Now I can really enjoy the water I love so much. With kayaks I can explore hidden areas on the lakes I love so much, and with Dixie (Mac's boat) I can see areas of the river I never would have dreamed of before.

And this weekend I shall get to go out on the river for the first time this year!

Dixie's callin' my name!

I hope you all have your own amazing summer fun to look forward to this weekend!

Hugsnkisses,
Annie Jay

Why Suffer When You Don't Have To?

I love this time of year.  The sun, the soft grass, the temperature – I pretty much become addicted to the outdoors.

Unfortunately, I have really bad allergies.  I know there are people out there who have worse allergies, but being allergic to just about everything outdoors plus dogs, cats, dust and mold…well… let’s just say, allergies are a major part of my life.  Even as I type this I can hear a wheeze in my chest and my eyes are itching like crazy.  I was first diagnosed with allergies when I was around 12 years old and have been learning how to handle them ever since.

I never used to be very good at maintaining my allergies; I’d sleep next to an open window; I would ignore chores like dusting and vacuuming; I’d go ATVing on dusty trails; and I’d play outside all day and go to bed without showering the pollen off.  Hell, I’d even forget to take my daily allergy medicine and would let myself suffer instead.  One summer I got pink eye at least 10 times. (If you ever take your eyes for granted, a summer like that one will really really make you value them!)

After 16 years, I’ve finally let go of the denial and have learned what to do to maintain my symptoms.  I’ve learned that I can enjoy the outdoors without getting myself super sick in the meantime by remembering a few simple things.  I religiously take my allergy medicine; keep my windows closed on high pollen days; wear sunglasses to avoid getting allergens in my eyes; avoid eye makeup on the really bad days; and I change my clothes or shower as soon as possible after a day outside. 

Sometimes you have to put in a little extra
effort to be where you want to be.

Remembering to do these very simple things has allowed me to enjoy my love for nature but not have to pay for it the next day. Sure, sometimes it’s a pain in the neck to have to fit a shower into my evening routine (naturally curly hair does not ever look good when it’s been slept on, least of all if it’s been slept on when wet) or to dust and vacuum every other day – but I know the work is worth it in the long run.

Because I have become proactive, my misery has eased.

The same principle can be applied to living a contented life. 

I can choose to sit back and complain about what’s wrong, or I can take steps to actively improve my outlook.

If you aren’t happy, take some time today to really think about why.  Is the problem something that you can fix? If you can fix it, what do you need to do?  If you can’t fix the problem, can you find a way to live with it and change the way you react to or think about the problem?  If you can’t find a way to live with it, then there is a way to fix it, you will probably just have to look a little harder. 

Nothing in your life is completely outside of your control.  Do research.  Make a plan.  Set a goal. 

Most importantly – Take action!

As I’ve said in the past, sometimes I really suck at being an adult, so I know some things are going to be difficult.  If you need support, I’m here for you and would be happy to listen or give you a boost up.  We’re all living the same life in different ways; we can help each other to live better.

Today, I love you.  Today, I know you are capable of working for a life without misery.

Hugs n kisses,

Annie Jay

It's a Beautiful Life

Well, hello there!

I've been a bit on the silent side of blog land lately.  Please rest assured, that it's actually for mostly good reasons.  I'm going to tell you all about them in a rambly, cloudy kind of way, so I hope you follow along ;-p

As you know, I moved. It was stressful at a time when stress was just about the only thing I had going on in my life. 

You may also be aware that I had a bit of a startling realization a few weeks ago.

Precisely two days later, I had an emotional breakdown in my doctor's office when I went in for a mostly routine exam.  

BTW - I'm spectacularly healthy, it turns out. I realize the timing of my disappearance and pending doctor's appointment was probably quite terrible to those I don't talk to all the time.  It appears my only health concern was my inability to productively deal with stress for the better part of the last two years.

That night, I talked to Francesca about it, and she helped to set my mind at ease.  If you don't have a Francesca, I implore you to please obtain one.  A level-headed BFF is just what every woman needs.  The next day, even though some things still hurt, I was feeling better about life in general.

Precisely four days after that was my birthday.  It being a Wednesday night, my actual birthday celebration was laid back - dinner with Mom and Dad, and visiting Francesca at the Rainbow with Bubbles and Mr. Tight Pants for a drink. That Friday night though, I cut loose and ended up having one of the best birthdays of my adult life - Just me and a group of friends, getting pizza and hitting up a couple of my favorite bars.  I woke up feeling like death, but very much loved.

And ever since then, life has been getting amazing.

See, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been doing those things that I used to do but somehow lost along the way.  I've been taking pictures, I've been writing, I've been reading.  I've been walking and exploring - and allowing myself to hope again.  I've been working my ass off at work and have been feeling the rewards - I'm buzzing with anticipation for good things that I hope are on the horizon for me.

I do find myself worrying - after a year of depression and anxiety - is this all a lie?  I wrote about it to my lovely Gracie the other day.  I told her that the happiness I've been feeling lately scares me a little - is this happiness and peace just a lie?  I suppose it would be easy to see it that way if I tried to convince myself that happiness is a constant and forgot that life is ups and downs.  Happiness is attainable - but it will occasionally hide away.  I just hope I can hold on to it and enjoy it for a longer span of time right now.

So even though I'm afraid of losing the good feelings - losing the peace - I'm not going to let that fear take hold and keep me from enjoying the peace and happiness I'm feeling right now.

I'm even letting myself consider the idea of romance again.  And by that - I mean I think I'm ready for that dive in head first kind of romance that's illogical and painful and probably a bit dangerous but can be so incredibly beautiful that it makes the scary parts even seem less scary.

The other day when Herbert and I took a walk by the river, we got into deep conversations about love and expectations.  I realized how silly my last serious relationship had been - A year into the relationship, there were not only warning signs, but flashing DANGER lights that we'd both chosen to ignore because neither of us wanted to be the bad guy and finally end things.  After those lights started flashing, it took me two more years of diffidence before I got up the courage to finally do what had to be done.  

I definitely deserve to live my life with a passion deeper than mere resentful tolerance.

And I'm taking the same stance with other relationships in my life.  I've begun limiting my exposure to the relationships which do not bring out the best in me.  I know I have my fair share of blame in how things in my life turn out, but I don't need to punish myself by allowing in more negativity more than I have to.  I want to be the Sword of Gryffindor and take in only that which makes me stronger.

I feel like I forgot how to take action in the last year - like I forgot I had power within me to make things better.  But now, I have my ideas before me and I just need to keep taking action - keep focusing on things that are within my control and how I can improve them.

Is it just me, or does it feel like change is in the air?

Much much love,
Annie Jay


PS - Lately I've also been thinking a lot about Kanye West and how I want to help make the world a better place.  I realize those two topics may seem mutually exclusive, but I promise, I'll explain soon. xoxoxo

PPS - Yes, I love my new apartment.  Life just feels easier here and I feel safer - the building's on lock down and the hallways are littered with cameras - I haven't even taken my sword out of its sheath since I moved in.  I didn't even realize just how unsafe I used to feel  until I started regularly walking around the new apartment with all of the lights turned off and wouldn't even feel a tingle of anxiety.  Plus, I wake up and go to sleep every night, surrounded by beauty - you can't help but feel happier when the aesthetics are exactly what you need.

PPPS - I didn't title this post until just now.  Now I'm going to have to buy a new copy of Ace of Base's album The Bridge because the one I got 20ish years ago is beyond readable.  Maybe I should bump my Ace of Base addiction into the 21st century and go digital....

Can I Please Be That Girl Again?

Before I get into my actual post - I turn 28 in exactly one week.  When I mentioned this to my boss she said “30 is the new 20, so it’s like you’re turning 18!” 

I responded “Sweet! Time to pick up a smoking habit and start binge drinking on a daily basis!”

I guess I should just stick to 28 ;-)

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Oh, and also, thanks to my fantastically amazing parents I’m 100% done with the Barpartment.  I went from not having a single thing moved to having everything moved and having the place perfectly cleaned within 4 days.  I’ve gotta say that is the fastest I’ve ever done that – and hope to never have to do it that fast ever again!

At least now is the better part – the unpacking.  My kitchen, bedroom and bathroom have a pretty good start.  Now I just need to figure out how the heck I’m going to arrange the living/dining spaces so I can unpack all of the other boxes.  Stupid L shaped living/dining space!  You’re too awkward for how I want to arrange you!

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Ok, now for the real post -

As I said the other day, I was sick as hell last week.  I’m still not 100%, but I’m definitely more on the alive side of life than I was last week.

One thing about unexpectedly taking a week off of work is that you will suddenly find yourself in the midst of having nothing to do.  Plus, feeling like you’re wearing a cement body suit that doesn’t allow you to move or feel like a living human being also lends itself to having a lot of couch time.  Also, because the Barpartment was in such a state of chaos from my impending move, my bedroom was not a peaceful place, so most nights I fell asleep on my loveseat (which has now gone to furniture heaven).

So I did what I do, and I watched an ass-ton of Netflix while in the midst of a codine/NyQuil haze.

I watched at least one season of Star Trek the Next Generation.  I’ve been rewatching the series lately because I haven’t watched STTNG in earnest since I was a kid.  And I’ve finally gotten to the good seasons! If you’ve never watched STTNG but have a morbid curiousity about what this whole Star Trek phenomenon is all about, start on Season 3 or 4.  I won’t go into too much detail – if you want to read some awesome Trek reviews check out this awesome blog.

But because my drug-induced state wasn’t good for actual retention of information, I decided to put STTNG back on the (imaginary) shelf and I decided to rewatch Bones from the beginning. 

I’ve been a fan of this show for a few years now.  I love David Boreanaz (yes, because of Buffy and Angel) so when I first saw him acting in a new show I was totally on board.  I watched the first couple of seasons on Netflix a couple of years ago and have been following the latest episodes as they come out on Hulu+ ever since then.  But I wanted to start again from the beginning, so that’s what I did this last week.

Needless to say the show has been playing pretty much nonstop whenever I’m home.  Packing? Turn on the show.  Unpacking? Turn on the show.  Cleaning/sitting/doing laundry? Turn on the show.

I realized a couple of things when I was watching the show.

1. Bones kicks a lot of ass in the first few seasons.  I had forgotten how ass-kicky she used to be.  I kind of like it.

2. David Boreanaz is still freaking adorable sexy manliness.

3. Sickness, an excess of cough medicine and a wonky sleep schedule make me emotional when watching shows that get me in touch with my feelings.  Not like a “The world is shit and I am shit” kind of emotional, but a “That’s so deep and it’s so beautiful” kind of emotional.

4. I used to be Angela Montenegro – what happened to me?  Ok, ok, I was never a talented artist and my dad was never Billy Gibbons, but I used to be that kind-hearted free spirit.

As stupid as it sounds, the whole thing has got me reconsidering a lot about the way I’ve been living my life for the last year or so. 

Without getting into details, about a year ago I experienced a major life change.  In the long run, this change is definitely a positive thing, but because of what happened, I became a very defensive person.  I stopped letting myself feel things.  I stopped letting myself dream of better things, of a better way of life.  I stopped living my life for myself and started living it only to spite someone else. 

Yeah, that’s a pretty damn stupid way to live your life.

I need to get back to being the girl who will go and sit for hours outside and write or read – or who would at least pretend to do those things and get distracted people-watching instead. I need to get back to being the girl who would say yes to random invitations instead of staying home to be alone instead. I need to get back to being the girl who would feel things for the people around her instead of people the girl who was trying so hard to keep herself together that she couldn’t waste a moment ot ponder the emotions of anyone else.  I want to be the girl who isn’t afraid to love someone just because they might hurt her; I want to get back to being the girl who believes that even if something isn’t meant to be forever, it can be beautiful for a little while.

I want to be Angela Montenegro again.

Hopefully now that I’ve moved into a new place it will give me a new view of my life, free from the angst and negative energy that was associated with my old apartment.  It’s probably silly to place those hopes on a place, but I’m going to go ahead and be silly again, it’s what I would have done in the past.

Have you ever experienced anything like this?  Watched a show and identified so wholly with a character? Or have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered whose eyes were staring back at you?

Much love,

Annie Jay

Moving is Hard Work

Speaking of reupholstering furniture… Remember this post?

This is what my love looked like just a couple of weeks ago:

You're lookin' a little droopy there, gumdrop.

Well look at my baby now!

Damn girl, you are lookin fiiiiine!

Isn’t she lovely?  I did that on Saturday.  Now I just need to pay someone to make myself a double-welt cord to cover all of the trim and pay someone to sew a new cover for the bottom cushion and it’ll be all done!  My goal is to have the double-welt applied before the actual move on March 23^rd, but let’s be honest, that’s so not going to happen.

Why isn’t that going to happen?  Because in addition to packing up my entire collection of furniture, clothing and random items so that I can have everything moved out by March 23^rd (so I can clean the Barpartment and prepare for Natalia and the Penguin to move into in on March 30^th) I also have a ton of other things going on in the next 10 days!

This Saturday is my bestie, Foxxi’s, Bridal Shower and Bachelorette Party.  I’m very much looking forward to this!  We’re renting a (hopefully) fancy house in the beautiful Galena Territories and planning to drink our faces off, enjoy the hot tub and have altogether ridiculous girly times.  However, between making a cake, preparing all of the food (with assistance from Francesca and Prudence) and setting up for the event, my Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday will be taken up with non-moving related tasks. (and I have no idea what punctuation should be used to make that sentence grammatically correct so please stop judging me)

Then, next Thursday is Best Fest!  This annual fundraiser for the local hospice is not to be missed.  I’ve had my ticket for two months.  We go in and for three hours you get to sample the best food, drinks and products of the tri-state area – as much as you want.  From 5:30-8:30 next Thursday I will also be drinking my face off.  So again, not doing anything related to moving.  Friday morning/early afternoon will be spent recovering but then it’ll be down to business Friday night.

So, with all of this going on, I am going to have a total of 5 full night to pack everything.

HOLY SHIT.  *ahem* Ok, so that’s the first time I’ve really let that soak in. Deep breaths…deep breaths…

Monday night I started packing.  I filled one gigantic box full of books and realized it was too heavy for even Lou Ferrigno to carry down the flight of stairs out of the Barpartment so I gave up on packing for the night.  Because I’m responsible.

Last night, however, was much more successful! 

Yesterday morning I signed my new lease and got my key!  I can’t start moving things in until March 23 (and I can’t cheat because they have surveillance cameras everywhere – stupid secure building!) because my lease isn’t officially valid until April 1 and if I wanted to move in as of March 15 I could have for an additional half-month’s rent, which I just simply couldn’t afford.  But she told me I was free to go look around the place and take measurements, which is exactly what I did last night!  Natalia, Francesca and Han all went with me to get a glimpse at my new digs. 

And you know the good thing?  I still love it!  *Whew* That’s a relief.

So after the new apartment tour last night I sat down and got to work.  I got all of my books packed into reasonably sized boxes.  I also packed my shoes (minus a few pairs for the next week), DVDs, video games and all of my breakable décor.  Tonight I’m hoping to finish packing everything in my spare room, dining room, living room and bathroom (again, minus what I’ll need for the next 10 days).  That way I can get to work on my kitchen and bedroom over the next week, which are both bound to take a long time.

I’m trying to stay all Zen and not let the stress of moving get to me too much… but who am I kidding?  I thrive on stress!  If my head explodes and I never write here again, please remember how brilliant I think you all are and that my favorite flowers (for the funeral, duh) are calla lilies.  And I like pandas, please bury me with a panda.

Hugsnkisses,

Annie Jay