Navigating The Friend Zone

I spend my time in the company of many men.

Oh Jesus…that is not supposed to sound nearly so “I rent hotel rooms by the hour”. 

We’re off to a good start here.  *ahem*

So.  

Dudes - I hang out with a lot of them.  I like to play video games; talk about sci-fi and politics; and have a dark sense of humor - these are all things that I find more commonly in men than I do in women (please forgive me for making gender-biased generalizations).  

Plus, men are just nicer to look at ;-)

This is always how my life has been and it’s been pretty damn good for the most part.  But the problem with this is that at all times, there's almost always someone stuck in… drum roll please…

The Friend Zone

Those of you who have lived in some mythical fairyland where the people you lust after lust after you equally - or who have been happily married since you were five-years-old - might not really understand the consequences of being in The Friend Zone.  

The Friend Zone is that dreadful limbo where you are stranded after meeting the man/woman of your dreams.  You begin to fantasize about a life together - a life filled with shared XboxLive accounts; couples' vacations to Comi-Con; and finally living that Han Solo/Princess Leia fantasy.

But then reality sinks in and instead of falling passionately in love, you fall madly into a brotherly friendship where high fives are the closest you’re going to get to bumpin and grindin.

We’ve all been there.  Every single one of us has at one point or another been in The Friend Zone.  I think I can also say with confidence that we have all, at some time in our lives put someone in The Friend Zone. 

None of us enjoy being there but we all tolerate it. Why?

We tolerate it because being granted with the company of the object of our affections is better than being shunned by him/her altogether.  And we just know that time - sigh - time is all we need.  We'll keep plodding along with the “friendship”.  We'll keep dropping everything and everyone to spend five minutes with our Friend.  We just know that if we're able to keep up the “friendship” that one day the stars will align and he/she will realize the mad love he/she has for us after all!

Because that's the beauty of The Friend Zone; it's never really about the friendship, it's about hope.  It’s about the hope that one day they will see you the way you see them.

So we live on in this charade of "friendship" and continue to pine away; chipping away at our souls bit by bit each day.

We laugh awkwardly and smash TVs whenever they mention a new romantic interest.  We hope that one day they’ll be drunk enough to awkwardly make out with us and awaken the sexual tension that has been brewing for years.  When we are on vacation, we dream about the return flight and how they’ll be waiting at the gate for us with tears in their eyes and a sign that says “Friendship Isn’t Enough”. 

We’re waiting for that grand awakening moment.

STOP IT.

Just. 

Stop.

Waiting.

Whether or not that day ever comes, I can guarantee you that it will never happen if you just continue to hang on to your fantasy.  Maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t.  But sitting around, waiting for that person to finally come to their senses is only hurting you in the long run.  They aren’t ready to wake up and see the awesomesauce that is you.

But someone else is.

I can guarantee you that someone else out there right now is looking for the Princess Peach to their Mario.  But you’re not going to see them if you keep holding on to your fantasies about your Friend.

Get out of The Friend Zone and throw your hot ass back into the world of single, smart, beautiful people just waiting to throw you against the wall and have their way with you until Happily Ever After.

Much Love,

Annie Jay

PS – You really have no idea how many “hand job” jokes I had to edit out of this piece.  I’m trying to class this joint up.  You’re welcome.

It's a Beautiful Life

Well, hello there!

I've been a bit on the silent side of blog land lately.  Please rest assured, that it's actually for mostly good reasons.  I'm going to tell you all about them in a rambly, cloudy kind of way, so I hope you follow along ;-p

As you know, I moved. It was stressful at a time when stress was just about the only thing I had going on in my life. 

You may also be aware that I had a bit of a startling realization a few weeks ago.

Precisely two days later, I had an emotional breakdown in my doctor's office when I went in for a mostly routine exam.  

BTW - I'm spectacularly healthy, it turns out. I realize the timing of my disappearance and pending doctor's appointment was probably quite terrible to those I don't talk to all the time.  It appears my only health concern was my inability to productively deal with stress for the better part of the last two years.

That night, I talked to Francesca about it, and she helped to set my mind at ease.  If you don't have a Francesca, I implore you to please obtain one.  A level-headed BFF is just what every woman needs.  The next day, even though some things still hurt, I was feeling better about life in general.

Precisely four days after that was my birthday.  It being a Wednesday night, my actual birthday celebration was laid back - dinner with Mom and Dad, and visiting Francesca at the Rainbow with Bubbles and Mr. Tight Pants for a drink. That Friday night though, I cut loose and ended up having one of the best birthdays of my adult life - Just me and a group of friends, getting pizza and hitting up a couple of my favorite bars.  I woke up feeling like death, but very much loved.

And ever since then, life has been getting amazing.

See, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been doing those things that I used to do but somehow lost along the way.  I've been taking pictures, I've been writing, I've been reading.  I've been walking and exploring - and allowing myself to hope again.  I've been working my ass off at work and have been feeling the rewards - I'm buzzing with anticipation for good things that I hope are on the horizon for me.

I do find myself worrying - after a year of depression and anxiety - is this all a lie?  I wrote about it to my lovely Gracie the other day.  I told her that the happiness I've been feeling lately scares me a little - is this happiness and peace just a lie?  I suppose it would be easy to see it that way if I tried to convince myself that happiness is a constant and forgot that life is ups and downs.  Happiness is attainable - but it will occasionally hide away.  I just hope I can hold on to it and enjoy it for a longer span of time right now.

So even though I'm afraid of losing the good feelings - losing the peace - I'm not going to let that fear take hold and keep me from enjoying the peace and happiness I'm feeling right now.

I'm even letting myself consider the idea of romance again.  And by that - I mean I think I'm ready for that dive in head first kind of romance that's illogical and painful and probably a bit dangerous but can be so incredibly beautiful that it makes the scary parts even seem less scary.

The other day when Herbert and I took a walk by the river, we got into deep conversations about love and expectations.  I realized how silly my last serious relationship had been - A year into the relationship, there were not only warning signs, but flashing DANGER lights that we'd both chosen to ignore because neither of us wanted to be the bad guy and finally end things.  After those lights started flashing, it took me two more years of diffidence before I got up the courage to finally do what had to be done.  

I definitely deserve to live my life with a passion deeper than mere resentful tolerance.

And I'm taking the same stance with other relationships in my life.  I've begun limiting my exposure to the relationships which do not bring out the best in me.  I know I have my fair share of blame in how things in my life turn out, but I don't need to punish myself by allowing in more negativity more than I have to.  I want to be the Sword of Gryffindor and take in only that which makes me stronger.

I feel like I forgot how to take action in the last year - like I forgot I had power within me to make things better.  But now, I have my ideas before me and I just need to keep taking action - keep focusing on things that are within my control and how I can improve them.

Is it just me, or does it feel like change is in the air?

Much much love,
Annie Jay


PS - Lately I've also been thinking a lot about Kanye West and how I want to help make the world a better place.  I realize those two topics may seem mutually exclusive, but I promise, I'll explain soon. xoxoxo

PPS - Yes, I love my new apartment.  Life just feels easier here and I feel safer - the building's on lock down and the hallways are littered with cameras - I haven't even taken my sword out of its sheath since I moved in.  I didn't even realize just how unsafe I used to feel  until I started regularly walking around the new apartment with all of the lights turned off and wouldn't even feel a tingle of anxiety.  Plus, I wake up and go to sleep every night, surrounded by beauty - you can't help but feel happier when the aesthetics are exactly what you need.

PPPS - I didn't title this post until just now.  Now I'm going to have to buy a new copy of Ace of Base's album The Bridge because the one I got 20ish years ago is beyond readable.  Maybe I should bump my Ace of Base addiction into the 21st century and go digital....

Project Furniture Refurb!

So last night began Phase 1 of Project Furniture Refurb!

Let me first tell you the backstory of this little chair that I'm going to reupholster.  

When I was a teen, my mom liked to go to estate auctions and she got some totally sweet stuff for our house from those auctions, including my bad ass dresser which you can see the corner of in this picture:

I know, I'm sorry.  These are the pictures you get when
I choose to blog on my lunch break.  One day I'll be
a well-prepared blogger.

It is awesome and curvy and beautiful and it even has a secret drawer in it.  When mom brought it home and was cleaning it out we found a bunch of cool stuff in it.  Like a copy of the guy's will wherein he left his daughter only $5.  The previous owner of my dresser was awesome enough to not only have a dresser with a hidden drawer but he also was awesome enough to want to stick-it to his daughter with one of the best F-You's I've ever seen.

*ahem* 

Anyway.  

At that same auction, she bought my chair.  This, beautiful, beautiful beast:

Yes, I want the purple storage
ottoman and fainting couch too.

She hated it.  Mom always intended to recover the chair.  But in my 13-year old excitement, this was the coolest. fucking. chair. ever.

I told her I wanted it in my bedroom.  I thought its teal and olive swirl, shiny fabric was the most badass and romantic thing I'd ever seen.  So into my bedroom is went and there it stayed.  

Through countless moves to apartments and back to Mom and Dad's house the chair went with me wherever I went.  Until eventually, the last time I moved out, the chair was in too poor of a condition for me to let others use it.  So I left it in the basement of Mom and Dad's house for safe-keeping and for imagination to strike.

Last night, as soon as I got off work I trekked out to Mom and Dad's and talked to Mom about my plans to reupholster the chair.  Being my mother, and understanding her daughter's sometimes ill-conceived ideas, she tried to ground me in my pre-reupholstering excitement haze by relating to me stories of her own attempts at reupholstering in the past and how they had fared.

She knows that I like to ride on waves of excitement without thinking things through so she was being the realist that she is.  Being the heedless and headstrong person I am, I continued, undaunted.  I understand this will be a battle.  But I, like great generals before me, will march into this battle and fight tooth-and-nail until I have the most beautiful chair ever seen!  

So I gathered up my tools, say down by my chair and said a prayer to the upholstery gods that all would go well.  I petted the chair and told it I would take care of it.  I took a deep breath and began to strip the fabric off of it.

*GASP* It's like seeing your baby with its intestines hanging out of it.

Dad came downstairs and set in to helping me.  Whether it was to help me during this painful time of wounding my baby, or just to have a nice distraction for a Wednesday evening, I'll never know.  But together we stripped her back and sides and I began to plan for the next phase of the event.  

My fabric should be in by Friday, so hopefully within a week i'll have my darling all put back together and looking beautiful.  Pray for my darling chair as we undergo this daunting reconstruction.

Hugs n kisses,

Annie Jay

Ups and Downs and Excitement Looming Before Me

Hello my sweets!

You’ve no doubt noticed I’ve been quiet as of late.  A few weeks ago I got a new boss at work and my head has just been spinning.  He’s going to be doing great things for our company and ushering us into a completely new age, but damn it has been a tumultuous ride! 

One of the things I love most about my company is how we’re always growing and changing.  When I started here six years ago we had about twenty people in the home office.  Now, we’re coming up on a hundred and our sales force is even larger than I could have ever anticipated.

However, with that constant growth and change come periods of uncertainty where I feel like I’m trying to keep my head on straight but don’t even know what direction I’m supposed to be looking in.  Whenever this happens I just have to remind myself to ride the wave and try to remember that the changes bring with them awesome new opportunities for me and my colleagues.

In addition to the work stress, I’ve been going through some romantic turmoil and have been considering an amazing change in my living situation. 

The romantic turmoil is over.  Essentially the Replay came back and asked for forgiveness and I realized I’m not really all that capable of moving on, no matter how good his reasons for past mistakes were.  The stress of trying to find it in myself to forgive him and try to move on was actually ruining the happiness I’ve built up over the past few months so I figured that wasn’t a good sign.  No matter how many interests and goals we share, there are only so many times I can beat a dead horse.  

So really, nothing has changed.  

In the meantime I’ve decided to just back off on dating – for real this time.  I’ve deleted the dating website apps from my phone and don’t intend to go back anytime soon.  I’m happy enough right now without a significant other.  Maybe now that I’m in a happy place the man of my dreams will just fall into my lap.  Maybe not.  Either way, I’m happy right now.

The possible amazing change in my living situation is stressful - but in an exciting way.  I mentioned it a few months ago that there’s an awesome new neighborhood in my town and it is calling to me.  MSN also covered it here: From Industrial Wasteland to Hip Hangout.  I put in my application for an apartment two Fridays ago and won’t know for a couple more weeks but I couldn’t be more excited!  As much as I love the Barpartment, I would love to get back downtown. 

These apartments are within walking distance to just about everything I do.  Plus, it’s kind of exhilarating to think about being the first person to live in an apartment.  And the addition of a washer/dryer and dishwasher into my life will be freakin amazing!  Natalia is helping me to stay optimistic about my chances of getting the place and not, I’m sure, because she is just waiting to pounce on the Barpartment as soon as I turn in my 30-day notice ;-p

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

And finally, I’ve also been doing quite a bit of fiction writing.  I usually work on blogs during my break time at work, but the new stories and scenes have been popping into my head most frequently so as soon as my breaks roll around it’s down to writing them I go!  They’re nothing special, but I really appreciate the escape and honest creation that comes when I’m writing stories.  Ever since I was a child I have invented worlds and characters and maybe someday I’ll turn this effort into something more substantial.  For now, I’m just going to continue doing what I love to do!

And holy Jesus it’s February!  Is 2012 flying fast for you all as well? 

Hugsnkisses,

Annie Jay

Happy Happies Everyone!

Oh hey! 

Happy New Year!  

I hope you all rang in the New Year in style, or in grungy t-shirts and sweatpants - whatever made you happiest! 

My own NYE was quite lovely.  I wore a cocktail dress and ankle-high motorcycle boots for the first part of the night.  Because I’m classy.  And because it was freakin freezing outside.  Don’t worry, I changed into attire-appropriate but seasonally-impractical footwear when I actually went out in public.

We had a nice low-key start to the evening at Sofie’s house where we played cards, watched Dick Clark’s rocking NYE, toasted the East Coast New Year and watched Jenny McCarthy possibly get herpes from a sailor. (yes, I’m sure it was lipstick) 

Then we headed downtown to the karaoke bar where Francesca was working.  If you have to work on NYE, you’d better hope that you; 1.) have friends that love you enough to not even think about celebrating the countdown without you; 2.) work at one of the most fun places in the tri-state area; and 3.) have awesome friends that will wait for you to serve other people their drinks before giving you your New Year’s kiss. 

Keeping with my tradition of the last…hmm… 3-8 years I kissed everyone at midnight.  Well, not that one guy.  But pretty much everyone else.  I even sneak-attacked Natalia with a kiss and got a love bite in return.  Ooo, tiger!

PS – I’m the one who gave Jenny McCarthy’s sailor all of those lip herpes.  You’re welcome.

I ended the night in the eastern den of sin and inequity, around 4:30am with my favorite gay men, a couple of my favorite straight men and several of my favorite women of undetermined sexual preferences.  There was a lot of dancing and a lot of kissing and snuggling.  I got a broken beer bottle stuck in my foot (which wouldn’t have happened if I would’ve kept the boots on) but didn’t bleed all over the place like the last time that happened (which is a story for another day).  It was really quite magical.

At the end of the night, I was alone and quite happy. 

Then I slipped and fell on the ice.  (Not due to drunkenness, I swear.  It was all the fault of those damn impractical shoes!) My skirt flew up above my shoulders and I’m pretty sure I did the splits. 

But I’m still calling it a win because I didn’t get a single bruise (I guess the plus side of all that holiday eating is that I’ve gotten a lot of iron).

All in all, I had a fantastic New Year’s Eve.

The last few weeks have been busy!  Work has been chaotic and life has been, well, let's just say it’s been chaotic as well (more on that to come later this week.  Maybe).  

And hangover-y.  Life has been really hangovery. Season of giving, yeah right.  Season of binge-drinking is more like it.

Yesterday when Francesca and Sofie came over to the barpartment before we went out to lunch I had to greet them by saying, “Please excuse my mess, the barpartment is hungover.”  There were still empty beer bottles from Saturday night sitting on the dining room table.  Yes, this was on Tuesday morning.  Don’t judge me.  I just hadn’t had time to deal with them yet, ok?  Ok, so they’re still sitting there. 

Nursing a month-long hangover is hard freakin work.

I was going to write a “year in review” post.  Then I realized there wasn’t a whole lot in 2012 that I wanted to review.  So instead I’m just going to say –

2013, let’s kick 2012’s ass this year, ok?

Hope you all had a fabtastical 2012!  Anyone have any particularly fun NYE stories to share?

Much love,

Annie Jay

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

I think I mentioned it earlier this week –

I LOVE THE HOLIDAY SEASON!

Tonight is my company Christmas Party and I’m totally amped.  I’m taking my partner in crime and potential future baby-daddy, Han.  Every single girl needs a platonic friend to be arm-candy for her when events come to call.  And he makes damn good arm-candy. 

I’m wearing a silky, one shoulder, knee-length dress that poofs out at the bottom in a black/silver/purple/white print with a sparkly blazer over top.  None of the sweaters or shrugs I had with it so I’m going to go a little funky with the blazer instead.  I still can’t wear heels because of my injured ankle, so I’ll be wearing my black sparkly sandals.  Other than those, I’m excited about my outfit.

I also made a new multi-strand sparkly necklace and set of earrings to wear tonight.  My hair is going to be barrel curled into my favorite fun and flirty look.  I opted not to color it, even though my (oh so numerous!) grays are showing through quite a bit.  I’m not sure why but I’ve kind of been enjoying the gray hairs lately.  (Who wants to bet that I’ll be over them and color my hair before New Year’s?) 

We also got our Christmas bonuses today! As the hours started ticking on I was a little afraid that maybe we’d be getting Griswolded this year, but our VP came around and delivered them to us with a smile on his face.  Twas wonderful!

This weekend I’m going to be doing all of my Christmas shopping.  For the most part, I’m going to do as much of it at locally-owned stores as I can.  Gotta support my community!  Now I just have to figure out what to get my parents and my brother.

I’m also going to finally get a fish this weekend.  I’ve had the fish tank set up for three weeks now and my tank desperately needs some fishies.  Time for me to commit to what kind of fish I want. 

But anyway – this post is about Christmas!  So, here are some things that I’m planning to do or have already done to ring in the season:

Holiday Baking!  My best girls and I already did our one-day Christmas baking extravaganza.  My treats were well-loved by my coworkers and disappeared in the span of just a few hours.  I have also made some mint oreo balls and plan to make pizzelles and fudge yet this year for my family Christmas.

Holiday Decorating!  I started to put my decorations up the date after Thanksgiving and was all done by the Monday after.  There are so many decorations all around my apartment, it’s so blissfully cheerful every day.  Here are a few of my favorite things:

RAWR!

I decorated it all on my own!

Because every tree needs a robot.

 Snow!  Mother Nature gave us some snow last weekend and I reveled in it.  Now, it’s all melted but I’m holding out hope that next week we get a ton of it.  I want a foot of snow in one night.  There’s nothing I love more than walking on the quiet city streets during a snowfall, listening to Christmas music.  Which brings me to…

Christmas Music!  I said it earlier this week that I’ve pretty much only been listening to Christmas music since Thanksgiving came and went.  But what I’m most excited for is Christmas eve and Christmas day listening to The Carpenters Christmas Portrait with my family when we celebrate.  I don’t think there’s ever been a better Christmas album.

Festivus! Every year on the night of December 23, my friends and I celebrate Festivus in the grandest tradition of the day!  With copious amounts of alcohol, the airing of grievances, feats of strength, ugly Christmas sweaters, holiday chanting and stumbling home at 4am to sleep for a few hours before family time begins the next day.

Christmas Eve!  Even though I live in the same town as my parents, I always stay at their house on Christmas Eve.  My brother, Clockwork, will be in town and we’ll be traveling to my Grandfather’s house that night to celebrate with my mom’s side of the family.  Then Clockwork and I will stay up late wrapping Christmas presents, watching Red Dwarf and giggling like 12-year olds.

Christmas Day!  Need I say more?  Mom, Dad, Clocky and I will be exchanging gifts, most likely early in the day, then heading to my aunt’s house for a nice lunch with some more family.  That night, if all goes according to plan, my former roomie and I will be drinking vodka and having a slumber party at the barpartment and staying up until 4am playing Kinect and acting like 12-year olds.  Christmas is pretty much the best time to act like a 12-year old.

New Year’s Eve -  UMM.  Hey, kids, what are we doing on New Year’s Eve? 

I hope you all have a fabulous Holiday Season too!  I’m sure I’ll be blogging more in the next couple of weeks but probably not quite as heavily as I have been lately.

Happy Holidays!

Annie Jay

P.S. – Can you tell I’ve had a lot of caffeine today?

P.P.S. – Can you tell I’ve been playing on Instagram?  Check me out.

P.P.P.S – Love me.

Although There's Snow On the Ground, the Grass is Awfully Green Today

I’m feeling light today - like I could fly up into the air and soar across the sky.  (And use overused similes))

Not just because I started talking to a new boy.  Yes, I put my dating pants on the shelf for a little while… and then they fell off that shelf and I put them on again.  I’ve never been very good at holding myself back.  …Unless it comes to commitment, in which case, I’m really good at holding myself back.

So I have a date Wednesday night. I have all kinds of thoughts (positive, apprehensive, indifferent…) about that but I don’t really want to talk about them just this moment.  I’ll report back after the date.

Anyway, I’m feeling good.

Why this sudden change?  I guess that my chemicals and what not are just balancing better this week.

Or because we FINALLY got some snow!  I love snow.  Love it love it love it.  I could never live in a place that doesn’t have seasons.

Or because I’m just feeling the love.

For one thing – I flipping LOVE the Holiday season.  I never listen to the radio (I listen to my CDs or mp3s instead) but for the last week my car and kitchen radios have been tuned to the station that plays Christmas music all day everyday.  My house looks festive and warm.  In short, I’m in Holiday Heaven.

And my coworkers are fabulous.  We have such a great dynamic in our department right now.  Everyone is getting along.  Everyone is pulling their own weight and helping out everyone else.  From past experience, I know these times come in waves.  Sometimes our team dynamic sucks, other times it’s great - It just makes me appreciate the great times all the more.

I also have amazing friends to thank for my happiness.  Friends like Francesca and Han, who understand the value of just providing another friend with company – without expecting them to be entertaining in the process.  Friends like Mac who are reliable and always there to rescue you when you’re in need.  Friends who like to do silly things that people our age shouldn’t do anymore.  Friends who like to do grown-up things that are way beyond our years.

So today, I’m feeling the love.

I hope you’re feeling the love too.

Hugsnkisses,

Annie Jay

Thursday is Officially the Most Random Day of the Week

Ever since Daylight Savings Time ended I’ve been feeling like the workdays just drag on.  So every time the weekend rolls around I get soooo happy!  But this weekend is even better! My big brother, Clockwork, is coming home to celebrate our mom’s birthday and Thanksgiving.  I can’t wait to spend time with my big bro :-)

Francesca and I had quite the interesting night last night.  We went for a drive in the countryside, in which I tried to tell her how much she means to me.  I said, “You know, Francesca, you’re an awesome friend.  I’ve been depressed and you brought me things to cheer me up and spent time with me.  I love you – you’re a great friend.”  Heartfelt.  Sincere.   That’s what I was going for, anyway.

But because Francesca is a cold and unfeeling cockface, she responded to my outpouring with raucous sardonic laughter and said “Really?  We’re going to do this?”  Well, I guess not.

We also had many margaritas and free chicken wings at a restaurant known for its free chicken wings on Thursday nights and for its lousy service.  (You can read about the first time we went there and how awesome we used to think it was if you click here.) We visited our friend, The Green Giant and played with his adorable pit bulls while his band played guitar riffs and talked about music.  I stole a baby from his spider plant as we walked out the door and then Francesca and I joked about how I had just raped the plant. 

Because rape jokes are only funny when you’re stealing spider plant babies.

After all of these adventures we ended up in the basement of my barpartment where we met friends for cheap beer and laughter.  What ended up happening goes against the content of the last two posts – because what happens when you say you’re going to take a break from dating? A cute (but significantly older) man strikes up a conversation with you at a bar.

Francesca and I had this conversation today:

Me:

So… was that guy last night cute or did I have major beer goggles on?

Francesca:

Too funny, I was just about to email you and ask about your new friend.  He was decent looking.  How late did you stay at the bar talking to him? 

Also, you raped a plant last night.

Me:

LMAO I went into my kitchen this morning (Which, by the way is an even bigger looking disaster after drunkenyl making Asian Cabbage Salad at 1am in the morning  for my work potluck today.) and saw my little spider plant seedling sitting in a cup of water to sprout and I was like “Oh yeah, that’s right.  I pillaged a plant of its baby last night.”  I wonder if they have separation anxiety… 

And I was in the bar until about 12:15 talking to him.  Then I said I had to call it a night and he walked out with me.  I went to my car to get the stuff for my cabbage salad (which I almost had forgotten about) and he walked with me.  He asked for my phone number and then we hugged.  I think he wanted to kiss me but I dodged it – I’m not a kissing hussy… most of the time.  We’ll see if he texts me.

Francesca:

LOL nice.  I thought you were “taking a break” from dating – like, as of yesterday.  Then you go and give your number out!

Me:

1. He asked me for it.  I did not “give it out”.  You make it sound like I’m walking around with a billboard that says: “TO DATE ME, CALL: 563-XXX-XXXX”

2. I didn’t kiss him.

3. I will not pursue anything with him, but if he pursues me, what’s a girl to do?

Francesca:

4. Plus, he was cute.

Me:

Right??

Francesca:

And you were talking guns with him at the bar.

Me:

Hahahaha I am a charmer, thankyouverymuch.  I actually forgot about that.  I need to use that as a conversation starter again…if only I could remember how that conversation got started… but I know it ended with me showing him the picture of us with like 5 billion guns.

Francesca:

I really wanted to stay in bed this morning and was totally jealous that The Bear got to go back to bed.  Jerk.

Me:

The Bear didn’t have to work today?  That’s good since he was dancing to Gangnam Style – outside the front door of the bar.  By himself. 

Francesca:

Yes, that is the man I love - dancing to Gangnam Style outside of a bar on a Thursday night at 10pm. 

Me:

You two are perfect for each other.

So our security system is acting up and the reactions are hilarious.  This morning we got an email telling us the doors on first floor weren’t unlocking so if you were down there and wanted to come up you should use the elevator.  So Rachel wasn’t very happy about this because, you know, she’s afraid of spontaneously becoming pregnant and giving birth while trapped in an elevator.  She also said “I hope they’re fixed by 3 so we will be able to leave!” I explained that we can still get out.  

This afternoon we got an email telling us the elevator isn’t working either.  So now everyone is freaking out about not being able to leave.  I pretty much yelled at everyone and said, “This place isn’t the Hotel California, people!  Calm down!” 

Francesca:

You can clock out anytime you like, but you can never leave!

~~~~~~~~~

Have a great weekend everyone!

Kissykissy,

Annie Jay

Shhhh, Don't Cry. You're Gonna Be Juuust Fine.

Notice to single men of the Tri-State area: I’m taking myself off the market.

Now, now, dry those tears you little stud muffins – I’ll be back in a month or so.

I’ve had quite a few interesting encounters over the last several months (including one dismal attempt at a relationship with the man who will heretofore be known as "The Replay". Part 1 - The Beginning and Part 2 - The End.) and now - taking a page out of the blog of my friend over at Once in A Blue DC Moon – I’m taking a time out from the dating scene.

I’m off the online dating sites. Profiles = deleted.

I’m done with those text message flirtations.  Text someone else, my friend.

When I go out with my friends it will be solely to have fun with my friends and not to mack on boys.

The last several months have made me become a little fed-up with the whole process of dating and relating to new people. 

I’ve been like Goldilocks and the Twenty Potential Suitors.  This one’s too short, that one’s too messy.  This one likes football too much, that one plays too much DND.  This one is too wild, that one’s too tame.  That one’s an Evangelical Christian, this one’s a metal-head.  The list goes on and on and on and on and on -

But there’s never one who’s just right.

So until I am willing to appease myself with the ones who are almost right again, I’m just going to take a breather.  I'm going to get back to doing things I like just because I like them.  I'm going to get back to going to coffee shops on my own just to soak up new atmospheres while I work on my writing.  I'm going to spend more time with my family.  I'm going to spend less time as a hermit in my apartment waiting around for boys.

Now, who wants to have completely meaningless, no-strings-attached sex? 

Shit.  I’m already doing this wrong.

Heartsnthings,

Annie Jay

Let's Just Go to Stepford, I Hear The Ladies Are Real Nice There

The other day my friend, Javier, told me he is often afraid that our conversations are going to end up on this blog… I guess he was right!

On Sunday, some friends met at my place before going out to a hungover post-Halloween-party lunch.  Javi was half an hour early.  He called me and without even muttering a greeting he said, “Come unlock your downstairs door already.  The sun is really bright.”

So, in the midst of barrel-curling my hair (you know the look, half of my hair piled unceremoniously on top of my head in a ratty mess, the other half falling down my back in too-tight ringlets in desperate need of combing out) I walked down the stairs in the dark because even the dim stairwell lights were too harsh in my hungover state.  I opened the front door.

I immediately recoiled from the light. 

I might have even hissed at it.

“Yeah. I wasn’t lying!” He said as he pushed through the door and joined me in the safety of the dark stairwell. 

After we trudged up the stairs, I went back to my routine of getting ready and trying not to puke.  Javier paced/sat outside of the bathroom and talked to me about his dating woes.

Like most of my male friends, Javi is straight (because having 50 straight males in her life who are just friends is exactlty what every straight female wants).  He’s also well-educated but likes to say the word “fuck” a lot and drink often.  In short, he’s just like me. 

Well… except for the male part.  I’m penis-free. 

*ahem*

He’s also mostly enlightened about equality and not misogynistic.  Which is why this statement coming out of his lips caught me so by surprise:

“I just need a quiet girl who will do everything I want and won’t fight with me.  Is that so much to ask for?”  He laughed when I glared at him and he added, “Please, the thing that sucks about this town is that all of the women I meet are intelligent and independent as hell.”

I told him they just don’t make ‘em like they used to and suggested that he go back to 1950 because I’m sure this town was full of that type of woman back then.  Then we talked a little bit about time travel (because I’m an easily side-tracked nerdy girl) but eventually it came back around to the idea of relationships.

“Every woman I meet wants a man who is the same way – willing to do everything she says he should do without question.  We all want a lap dog.”  He said to me.

And he was kind of right, as far as I was concerned.

Now of course we don’t all really sit around thinking “If only I could find a mindless automaton to hold me when I cry and keep me sexually satisfied.”  Well... most of us don’t, anyway.

But there is a certain truth to the idea that many of us are looking for someone who will fit perfectly into our already-established lifestyles and habits without us needing to change or modify or adjust anything we currently do.  But of course this is never the case.

When branching out into a new relationship both parties need to be aware that changes and compromises are going to have to happen on both sides – because we aren’t all just mindless sex-bots designed solely for the purpose of giving blow-j’s.  We’re thinking, feeling, motivated, dreaming, wishing, hoping skin sacks that need freedom and stimulation in order to grow into the totally kickass human beings we’re capable of becoming. 

A lot of times when I start to date someone and he asks me what my plans are for the weekend I panic, thinking, “How dare he threaten to take up my precious weekend time??”

How absurd is this?  I want to be in a relationship but I don’t want to sacrifice any of my free time to do it.  I want a man who will respond to a little copper bell that I can ring anytime I feel like doing couple-y stuff and leave me alone when I want to be without him.

*sigh*

What I really need to find is someone who meshes so well with me, with my friends, with my need for alone time and together time, that I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing myself – or at least like the sacrifices I’m making are worth it in the long run.

Or maybe I just want a sex-bot.

Much Love,

Annie Jay

Are We All Cowards?

This month has been… well – hell - it’s been a month.

Remember how I wrote about that potential relationship a while ago?  Turns out that after a few weeks that were awesome – having fun together, sharing the financial burden of that fun and seeing each other all the time – we suddenly started having awkward time together, I was paying for things left and right (without any sharing on his end) and we were rarely seeing each other due to scheduling conflicts.  After weeks of frustration, in which he kept assuring me he wanted to be with me but making absolutely no effort to be with me, I finally just told him the ball was in his court.

That was over a week ago and he never even responded to that message.  (Yes I said that to him in a text message – I wanted to talk in person but we could never get together so I finally put it in a text.  Lame, I know, but beggars can’t be choosers.)

The cowardice of it baffles me.  Instead of saying “I can’t wait to see you again!” why not just say, “I’m sorry, this just isn’t working for me.”?  Is it so you never have to be the bad guy?  Well, just so you know, your inaction just makes you look like a douchehole anyway.

But this whole thing just has me thinking about what a bunch of cowards we all are. (“We” being any of the young adults that I know who are not currently in relationships but want to be.)

We all walk around thinking “Well, if this person wanted to [talk to me/date me/take me home for the night for some fast and dirty lovin’] they would make the first move.”  But since we’re all thinking that way no one is getting talked to/dated/used for one-night stands.  And it’s just stupid. 

Even if you happen to find yourself in a relationship (apparently by use of magic since neither of you was brave enough to approach the other), no one knows how to ask for what they need.  Or we’re all too afraid of winding up alone again that we just sit back and deal with whatever bullshit comes our way.

At least, this is what I see a lot of my friends going through. 

How is it that such a fun, independent, intelligent crowd can be so lame when it comes to forming new relationships?  Even for myself, the only move in my book is the good old shy-girl standard “become friends and sit back and hope that one day he realizes he loves you and wants to be with you forever” move.  How is it that I don’t even know how to talk to a man unless it’s about video games?  I’m gifted at making small talk and I'm reasonably intelligent.  You might not believe that because of my tendency to butcher English grammar and my preference for the word “fuck” over “copulate”, but really, I’m not a dumby.

Why does an intelligent, fun-loving, attractive girl have such a hard time going up to a man and asking him on a date? 

Because I’m a coward.  I’m terrified of being turned down – or worse, outright laughed at and walked away from.  Why don’t I have the stones to walk up to that cute man I always run into at the bookstore and ask him if he’s single?  I already know we have similar interests – like Christopher Moore books.  Why don’t I just say, “So, what was your favorite - Island of the Sequined Love Nun or Fluke? By the way, want to get a coffee and/or make out with me?”

That’s it.  I’m doing it. 

I’m going to make it my goal this week to ask a man on a date.  Anyone have any suggestions?  I can’t just stalk the aisles of BAM! like a creeper and hope that scruffy looking man walks in.

*deep breaths*

I can do this… I can do this…

No really – Help.  Please?

Kissykissy,

Annie Jay

Sometimes Life Just Has To Go On

This has been quite a week of emotions for me.  So this blog has three different mostly-unrelated topics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I said in my previous blog, my beloved grandmother passed away on Tuesday.  I’m still reeling from the loss of her and from the shock I felt at the extreme feelings I had about her passing.  Yes, it’s stupid that I was surprised to feel so strongly about losing her - of course I should be extremely sad, this woman meant the world to me – but I had convinced myself that - thanks to dementia - the woman who was my grandmother was already gone.

When I would visit her in the nursing home I would grin and bear it when I heard her talk about visiting with people who had long-since passed on, or who never existed, or the times when she would just simply not recognize me (either due to her eyesight problems or the dementia).  There were times when I would visit her and my strength would fail and I would cry as I held her hand and tried to play along with whatever adventure she described.

The truth is I had just been pretending to deal with the loss while I actually pushed it to the side.  It wasn’t until I got the message from my dad on Tuesday that she had taken a turn for the worse and I looked through the scrapbook she made me (gods if only I had told her how much that book means to me…) that I realized how much it actually hurt to finally lose her.  The biggest comfort to me is that her family surrounded her when she passed and that those of us who couldn’t be with her in person were thinking about her as she took her last breaths.

One of the sweetest comments I saw was my mom’s best friend who said that my grandma is now looking down on us with seeing eyes (because grandma’s eyesight has been near-blindness for years now) and thinking of her love for us.  I find peace in thinking of this.  I’m not sure where I stand on God, but I know she believed in Him, so I like to imagine that she is in Heaven now, smiling down on us with that grace that always seemed to fill her – even in the end.

The love that my friends, family, readers and coworkers have shown to me over the last few days has been amazing.  I’m sure this all would have been much harder without the cards, hugs and kind words.  We say goodbye to her this weekend.  I’ll be a pallbearer for her as I was for my grandpa three years ago.  Please send me strength and positive energy as I say goodbye to the woman who always made me feel like the most important person in the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: If you are a person who is interested in being in a relationship with me or has ever been in a relationship with me, you might just want to skip this next part.  - XO

A few weeks ago I started seeing a boy that I dated when I was 20 years old.  Back then we were young and impulsive and the relationship ended as many young romances end – with tears shed and melodramatic heartbreak songs played on repeat in car stereos.  But when I saw him on a dating site a few weeks ago I thought; “Ok, I’ve grown up, I am sure he has too.”  And gods was I right.

The man I met for a drink three weeks ago was exactly the same in appearance as the boy I knew 7 years ago (albeit with a scattering of random gray hairs), but his beautiful blue eyes were filled with more stories, more lessons than I had ever seen in them.  We went on a few amazing (read as: super fucking amazing) dates and were talking every day.

Naturally, by last weekend I was terrified.

I didn’t realize just how much of a commitment-phobe I had become until I started to think about the possibility of actually getting involved in a relationship again.  In the last two years since I ended my three-year relationship with my first “real” love, I have only gotten myself involved in relationships with men that I knew I wouldn’t want a future with.

Then, about a month ago I was out with Francesca and her boyfriend when he snapped some sense into me.  “Ann, I don’t understand why you always go after these guys that you have no future with.” He said to me.  I tried to tell him that I wanted to be with them for a while, just to experience them – that I didn’t need them to be “relationship material” because I just wanted to know about their lives and their experiences.

Because he is a good friend, he told me I was being an idiot. 

He told me that I was missing out on so much.  He reminded me of what it means to be in a relationship.  He reminded me that I was running away from getting to know someone on that intimate level that can only come with a commitment and a partnership.  (Only, we were out drinking so there were many more curse words and broken sentences, but the sentiment was the same.)

Slowly, the idea of seeking a more intimate connection with someone again began to take hold of me, and that happened to be when this boy walked back into my life.  Now, I’m coming to terms with the idea of being involved in a relationship again. 

But I’m still terrified.

My greatest fear is that I’ll become the person I was in my previous relationship – willing to give up a piece of (or all of) myself in order to please someone who was unwilling to do the same for me (and I was unwilling to ask him to).  Hopefully the love I’ve developed for myself over the last two years will prevent me from becoming that person again but I don’t trust myself when it comes to love.

It’s funny, because I’m always the person advising my friends in love to “dive in head first!” or “just go for it! the pain will be worth the experience!”.  When it comes to my own relationship needs though, apparently I’ve been running blindly away from love for so long I forgot what running feels like.

Time for me to be brave and just give it a try – hopefully the pain will be worth the experience – or maybe the pain won’t come.  Either way, I’ve gotta dive in and test the waters.  Wish me luck!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now – for something a little more light-hearted:

Tonight is the Fancy Pants Party!

A week ago Thursday, my boy B said to me “Now that the weather’s not so hot we need to have a night where we all go out dressed to the 9’s again.”  So we made it happen. 

It’s happening at my apartment in just a few short hours!

I briefly thought about canceling the party because it didn’t quite seem right to have a fancy party the night before my grandmother’s wake, but life must go on and for the life of me, I need this.

I can’t wait to see all of you dressed to the nines.  I’ll see you Fancy Pantses tonight!

Much love,

Annie Jay

Never Underestimate Your Love

Hug your family members, friends.

I lost my last surviving grandmother today.

She was diagnosed with senile dementia several years ago and her condition has been declining ever since.

It's so so so strange to feel simultaneously grateful that someone's suffering has ended and to also feel the stabbing pain of grief that likes to sneak up on you when you realize that they are gone.

I knew this day was coming.  Weeks ago I was mad at God (or whoever makes the decisions around here...) for not easing her pain.  I told my mother that God had forgotten my grandmother and that I felt like an awful person for wishing that her suffering could just end once and for all.  I even feel terrible for writing this now.  But it was based out of love for her.

Even though I knew this day was coming... I'm still so broken up.  I can't believe how surprised I actually feel to feel as much pain I feel at the loss of her.  Grief is just so... so weird.

Thankfully, she was surrounded by her family as she took her last breaths.

Grandma Mary and little Annie: Circa 1988

If you read my Facebook post today, you know that shortly after my high school graduation Grandma gave me a scrap book commemorating the last 18 years of my life.  I was, despite my angtsy teenage apathy, blown away.

This scrap book contained pictures I had never seen and mementos from my life that I would have never imagined she would have kept.  She kept playbills from all of my junior high and high school plays, brochures from music performances, newspaper clippings... thinking about all of these things now I can barely keep typing I'm getting so choked up.

She was of course, a great mother and grandmother but she was also a teacher, an avid gardener, a great cook, a pristine housekeeper, and a talented seamstress.  She posessed this graceful strength that is seldom seen in people in my generation.  She knew how to work hard and also loved to enjoy the simple things life had to offer.

She taught me so much, made me feel so special and also (though it never seemed so great at the time) taught me how to behave.

So hug your family, my friends.  Hug them, kiss them, tell them you love them and don't forget to keep reminders of them so you will always remember the times you shared.

<3 Annie Jay