Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Are We All Cowards?

This month has been… well – hell - it’s been a month.

Remember how I wrote about that potential relationship a while ago?  Turns out that after a few weeks that were awesome – having fun together, sharing the financial burden of that fun and seeing each other all the time – we suddenly started having awkward time together, I was paying for things left and right (without any sharing on his end) and we were rarely seeing each other due to scheduling conflicts.  After weeks of frustration, in which he kept assuring me he wanted to be with me but making absolutely no effort to be with me, I finally just told him the ball was in his court.

That was over a week ago and he never even responded to that message.  (Yes I said that to him in a text message – I wanted to talk in person but we could never get together so I finally put it in a text.  Lame, I know, but beggars can’t be choosers.)

The cowardice of it baffles me.  Instead of saying “I can’t wait to see you again!” why not just say, “I’m sorry, this just isn’t working for me.”?  Is it so you never have to be the bad guy?  Well, just so you know, your inaction just makes you look like a douchehole anyway.

But this whole thing just has me thinking about what a bunch of cowards we all are. (“We” being any of the young adults that I know who are not currently in relationships but want to be.)

We all walk around thinking “Well, if this person wanted to [talk to me/date me/take me home for the night for some fast and dirty lovin’] they would make the first move.”  But since we’re all thinking that way no one is getting talked to/dated/used for one-night stands.  And it’s just stupid. 

Even if you happen to find yourself in a relationship (apparently by use of magic since neither of you was brave enough to approach the other), no one knows how to ask for what they need.  Or we’re all too afraid of winding up alone again that we just sit back and deal with whatever bullshit comes our way.

At least, this is what I see a lot of my friends going through. 

How is it that such a fun, independent, intelligent crowd can be so lame when it comes to forming new relationships?  Even for myself, the only move in my book is the good old shy-girl standard “become friends and sit back and hope that one day he realizes he loves you and wants to be with you forever” move.  How is it that I don’t even know how to talk to a man unless it’s about video games?  I’m gifted at making small talk and I'm reasonably intelligent.  You might not believe that because of my tendency to butcher English grammar and my preference for the word “fuck” over “copulate”, but really, I’m not a dumby.

Why does an intelligent, fun-loving, attractive girl have such a hard time going up to a man and asking him on a date? 

Because I’m a coward.  I’m terrified of being turned down – or worse, outright laughed at and walked away from.  Why don’t I have the stones to walk up to that cute man I always run into at the bookstore and ask him if he’s single?  I already know we have similar interests – like Christopher Moore books.  Why don’t I just say, “So, what was your favorite - Island of the Sequined Love Nun or Fluke? By the way, want to get a coffee and/or make out with me?”

That’s it.  I’m doing it. 

I’m going to make it my goal this week to ask a man on a date.  Anyone have any suggestions?  I can’t just stalk the aisles of BAM! like a creeper and hope that scruffy looking man walks in.

*deep breaths*

I can do this… I can do this…

No really – Help.  Please?

Annie Jay


  1. Oh, thee ole female paying for everything saga. I HATE that shit. I don't expect to be paid for all the time but I also don't expect to be the one doing most of the paying, either.

    You're right. It's so hard to just ask for what we want but little by little, if you try and start doing it - maybe start with friendships first - you get better at it and more intentional with it. You don't have to ask him out the first time if the mood doesn't strike but at least start a convo! Report back, ma'am! Inquiring minds want to know. :)

    Sorry things didn't work out with this other guy but if they WANT to see you, they will. Period.

    1. Seriously. I am a total 50/50 person when it comes to dates being paid for. Actually, I don't mind being the one to pay a little more - if I have the funds available. We'd go out and he'd not even do the "check dance". It's just unattractive.

      And that was exactly my thought. He was texting me fairly often just to chat about our days and I suggested several hang-outs in a row that were all turned down for one reason or another. Finally I got fed up and decided that if he wanted to see me he would be putting in the effort. Since he wasn't, I wasn't going to sit around waiting for him to contact me.

      Plus, he'd drink all of my beer ;-)

      I'll let you know how it goes!

  2. Argh, I've experienced something similar to what you mentioned. I, too, eventually decided to just leave things in his lap. I got tired of his passivity and having to always suggest our get togethers, only to get ambiguity in return. Needless to say, that was the end of our contact. :/ Oh well!

    As for the rest about asking someone out, I am impressed with your goal! If you just read my last post in my blog, I am currently engaging in 13 year old girl behavior with a guy at my gym and haven't even managed to work up the wherewithal to offer him a legit smile yet. :/ Lame!

    Like you said, if you don't ask, you never know, and I'm beginning to think I'd rather just approach him, or make some kind of small move, and either get rebuffed or a green light. Why the hell not?

    More power to you! :)

    1. I actually did read your latest and I was going to comment and tell you to just dive in and ask him out - But then I realized I had never commented on your blog before and it felt jerky to try to push you out of your comfort zone on my first comment. lol

      Come on, let's be brave together!

    2. I'm afraid to ask him out! :o I can't even get the nerve to smile at the guy, LOL. We'll see if I can manage THAT tonight and if I get a desirable response we'll see how to proceed!

      You know, I don't know that I've ever asked a stranger out like that. Ever!

      If I smile at him and he turns away in fear, I will know that he just thinks I'm a stalker, LOL.

      I will keep you updated on my bravery levels. I would LOVE to throw myself out of my comfort zone and just do this...

    3. Hahaha smile away girly! Let me know how it goes!

      I've never really asked a stranger out before either. I usually know SOMETHING about a guy before I go on a date with him - usually some people in common or know what he does for a living. Time to be brave!

      And hope I don't end up with a serial killer...