Maybe This is Why I'm Single

After several dozen dismal attempts at online dating (stories coming soon), I’m just about ready to give up on the entire idea.  But just when I think I’m about ready to give up on it and cancel out my account, some nice, normal-seeming man will start talking to me and I’ll be all like “Man, I knew there had to be normal people out there because I’m normal (Shut up. I’m normal, bitches.) and so there have to be other normal people who think this is worth trying out.” 

Then I’ll meet the guy and he’ll either be: a.) Not at all like me and creepy as fuck; b.) nice, but so shy or socially awkward that I can definitely understand why he’s on the internet looking for love but isn’t right for me because I’m… well let’s just say I’m outgoing; or c.) So much like me that I feel like I’m looking in a mirror and there’s no way I can be around someone who is so much like me because if I wanted to do that I’d just clone myself but really then the clone would probably evolve into someone way cooler and way hotter than me and then she’d be all like “Nah, Annie, I’m too good for you. Peace out, bitchface!” and I’d have to go back to online dating anyway. 

So yeah… it’s tough.

*ahem*

Anyway –

Today was one of those days where I started talking to a guy who seems pretty normal. 

We were having a nice conversation when he tells me that he worked in “asset protection” at a retail outlet and this is the conversation that followed:

Annie: So pretty much you got to beat down shoplifters?

Him: No. We just had to escort them out if we caught them.  We weren’t allowed to touch them.  If we did it would be a logistical nightmare.

Annie: I stole something from there once.  It was a ring that was on clearance for like a dollar.  And when I say “I” I mean my friend stole something from there once when she was in high school and had never done anything bad before and wanted to know what it would feel like but then the next day she went back and dropped a dollar on the floor so she kinda ended up paying for it after all.  Ohmygod please don’t arrest me.  I mean, please don’t arrest my friend.

(No response for several minutes…)

Annie: But I – Oops, I mean my friend, did that like 10-12 years ago so really that was long before you worked there and I hope this story won’t cause a logistical nightmare for you.

Him: Well, we really didn’t care about the small stuff.

Annie: Sweet!  I’m totally going to steal one little thing from there every day from now on.  I mean… my friend is going to do that.  Not me.  I would never do that.

Then he stopped talking to me.

Moral of the story?  I need to find men who aren’t so uptight.  Seriously, what’s wrong with a little petty theft?

I wish you all the best of luck in your dating adventures!

Hugs,

AJ

PS - Did you know you can comment on this blog, instead of just on my Facebook link or responding to my Tweet?  And that I would really love it if you did?  And did you know you can subscribe to this blog?  I would love you forever if you could do those things for me.  

~ Xoxoxo (That's me making out with you if you weren't aware. Sorry family, don't sit so close to the computer screen next time)