Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Maybe This is Why I'm Single

After several dozen dismal attempts at online dating (stories coming soon), I’m just about ready to give up on the entire idea.  But just when I think I’m about ready to give up on it and cancel out my account, some nice, normal-seeming man will start talking to me and I’ll be all like “Man, I knew there had to be normal people out there because I’m normal (Shut up. I’m normal, bitches.) and so there have to be other normal people who think this is worth trying out.” 

Then I’ll meet the guy and he’ll either be: a.) Not at all like me and creepy as fuck; b.) nice, but so shy or socially awkward that I can definitely understand why he’s on the internet looking for love but isn’t right for me because I’m… well let’s just say I’m outgoing; or c.) So much like me that I feel like I’m looking in a mirror and there’s no way I can be around someone who is so much like me because if I wanted to do that I’d just clone myself but really then the clone would probably evolve into someone way cooler and way hotter than me and then she’d be all like “Nah, Annie, I’m too good for you. Peace out, bitchface!” and I’d have to go back to online dating anyway. 

So yeah… it’s tough.


Anyway –

Today was one of those days where I started talking to a guy who seems pretty normal. 

We were having a nice conversation when he tells me that he worked in “asset protection” at a retail outlet and this is the conversation that followed:

Annie: So pretty much you got to beat down shoplifters?

Him: No. We just had to escort them out if we caught them.  We weren’t allowed to touch them.  If we did it would be a logistical nightmare.

Annie: I stole something from there once.  It was a ring that was on clearance for like a dollar.  And when I say “I” I mean my friend stole something from there once when she was in high school and had never done anything bad before and wanted to know what it would feel like but then the next day she went back and dropped a dollar on the floor so she kinda ended up paying for it after all.  Ohmygod please don’t arrest me.  I mean, please don’t arrest my friend.

(No response for several minutes…)

Annie: But I – Oops, I mean my friend, did that like 10-12 years ago so really that was long before you worked there and I hope this story won’t cause a logistical nightmare for you.

Him: Well, we really didn’t care about the small stuff.

Annie: Sweet!  I’m totally going to steal one little thing from there every day from now on.  I mean… my friend is going to do that.  Not me.  I would never do that.

Then he stopped talking to me.

Moral of the story?  I need to find men who aren’t so uptight.  Seriously, what’s wrong with a little petty theft?

I wish you all the best of luck in your dating adventures!


PS - Did you know you can comment on this blog, instead of just on my Facebook link or responding to my Tweet?  And that I would really love it if you did?  And did you know you can subscribe to this blog?  I would love you forever if you could do those things for me.  
~ Xoxoxo (That's me making out with you if you weren't aware. Sorry family, don't sit so close to the computer screen next time)


  1. LOL I have totally blogged on this exact topic more than once. Dating in your late 20s sucks. Most of the men I have dated in the last 2 years are so are either clinging to their youth, have an unnatural attachment to their mothers, have bitterness towards women, have no ambition, are jerks, I have already dated them or they already have a girlfriend. Ironically that blog gets a lot of comments from men just telling me I'm probably a bitch who's too difficult to put up with which reinforces my jerk point.

    1. Ugh... the ones clinging to their youth and who have no ambition seem to flock to me. Sorry darling, I've been past dating guys like you since I was 21.

      Just yesterday I got a message from a guy who is 22. I told him "I'm sorry, you're too young for me - but good luck out there :-)" and he responds "Ah, but age is just a number." To which I responded "And also a way of gauging the maturity of a potential mate. Considering that men mature at an exponentially slower rate than women, I'm guessing you: still party every night; don't have a car of your own; don't really know who you want to be when you "grow up"; and - oh, I just read your profile, all of those things are in your profile. Damn, I'm good. But seriously, no ill will, have a good one, Babyface."

      The other thing I hate about the concept of online dating is how long some people drag out the online aspect of it. I understand some people do this to try to figure out if the people are psychos who want to murder them but if they're a good enough psycho they'll know how not to come off as one so you should meet them in public anyway.

      I'm the type who wants to talk to you just long enough to determine if you have a brain in your head and then meet you. I hate investing time into getting to know a man online then meeting him after weeks of convo and realizing he's much more shy and much less witty when we actually meet.

      Or that he picks his nose constantly. Seriously.

    2. LOL. I think the one's that kill me the most are the 28 year old guys who still live at home for no other reason than the fact that it's comfortable there and their mom takes care of them.

      Younger guys kill me too, I mean I work full time, live on my own, have responsibilities. I can't date a guy who's still in school and working part time at the mall.

    3. Right! You want someone who knows what he wants from his life and is willing to go out there and get it. They can't stay in Neverland forever ;-)