Move On and Kick Life's Ass

People do shitty things to us from time to time.  Sometimes these are just kinda shitty things – like not saying thank you when you give them a ride to the gas station after their car runs out of gas.  Other times these are really shitty things like breaking up with you or stealing your prized Star Wars posters (original trilogy, of course.  Because if they were for the prequels you’d probably be all like, “What the fuck did I have those for in the first place? And why am I friends with a person who has such bad taste?”). 

Whatever the situation, I’m sure that someone at some point in your life has jerked you around.  This begs the question - how are we supposed to deal with it when people we care about act like assholes?  Although I’m usually a big fan of righteous retribution (who doesn’t love pouring honey on someone’s bed sheets?) I’d like to suggest another idea – forgiveness.

Say it with me - I forgive you. 

That was easy, right?  Only three little words and now all is right with the world! 

Right??

Right? 

It’s not??

DAMN.

Saying you forgive someone is really easy. 

But actually letting go of the hard feelings in your heart and moving on with your life is really. fucking. hard.  But putting in the work is worth it.  Why?

Holding on to grudges does three things:

1.       It makes everything else in your life secondary to the pain you’re feeling.  Have you ever had a friend who’s been broken up with and months later can’t seem to stop talking about the jerkwad who broke their heart?  Every time you see this person they bring up the pain they’re feeling and talk about little else.

2.       It stops your life from progressing.  When you’ve been hurt and can focus on nothing else, you stop focusing on your goals and you stop focusing on building your life into what you want it to be. 

3.       You stop trusting the truly great people in your life because someone out there hurt you.  When you can’t get beyond the hurt that one person caused you, it’s easy to assume that everyone else in your life is going to do the same thing to you.  You hold people at arm’s length and don’t get to know the amazing people around you – or let them get to know the amazing person you are when you’re not stuck in grudge-land.

So how can you get past this damn grudge and move on with your life?

True forgiveness requires:

1.       Accept that what was done is done and can’t be undone.  No matter what, you can’t go back and change the past.  Before you can forgive the person who has wronged you, you need to accept this or your subconscious will still be trying to fix the problem and you won’t be able to move on.

2.       Accept that the person who has wronged you wasn’t thinking of you at the time – no matter how painful that may be to admit.  We are all the center of our own universe.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember that although you may mean the world to you, you probably don’t mean the world to all the people around you.  While this is cold comfort, you need to understand that in most cases, even the bad things people do to you aren’t really about you.  They’re about that person and what they think they need at that time.

3.       Deal with your emotions.  Don’t medicate your emotions away (either by self-medicating with your good friend Jim Beam, or the kind prescribed by your doctor) and just expect your problems to disappear.  You have to face those suckers head-on.  Get to the root of your feelings on the subject and try to understand why you’re feeling what you’re feeling.  No amount of avoiding the issue will actually help you to move forward and move on with your life.

4.       Quit playing the victim.  Yes, someone has wronged you.  Yes, you are hurting.  But you have to accept that some of the responsibility lies with you.  When your boyfriend who you knew to lie to everyone in his life ended up cheating on you, were you really blind to the possibility that he might be lying to you as well?  Somewhere deep inside you had to have known this was a possibility but you weren’t ready to accept the facts.  Accept them now and get ready to forgive.

5.       Forgive the person.  Give your forgiveness to the person who has wronged you – either in person or in a letter (whether you send it or not).  Actually putting your forgiveness into words is very important as it gives your brain that final bump it needs to put an end to the emotional roller coaster you’ve been on. 

6.       Move on.  Stop dwelling on it.  Stop talking about it.  Stop forming your life around it.  Go out and chase the dreams you used to chase before you were the “wronged-party.”  Go out and be determined to let your newfound forgiveness propel you in the direction of the awesome life you deserve.  You’ve done a lot of growing, little buddy, and you deserve all of the happiness this life has to offer.

I know it’s hard, but forgiving the people who have wronged you is essential to your growth as a person.  Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not about the person you’re forgiving, it’s about you.  Let go of what was done and start growing as a person.  If you always have the past hanging over your head you’ll never have room for that awesome future you’ve been dreaming of.

Have you forgiven anyone lately or do you have any other tips to help people move on?  Let us know in the comments below.

Much love,

Annie J

Putting the Last Few Months Behind Me

Well kids, the shit definitely hit the fan right after I returned from my (amazingly awesome) vacation to Cabo at the end of February. 

The Universe decided to hit me with relationship issues, financial woes and big time life lessons all at the same time.  The last three months have been a roller coaster ride for me.  Just like when I ride actual roller coasters, my body, mind and spirit have all been shouting “OH NO FUCKING WAY IS THIS GONNA HAPPEN!!” for months now. 

Suffice it to say, writing has been a bit difficult.  In order to keep myself from slipping into the depression that was earnestly trying to pull me down, I had to suck up every glimmer of positive energy I could generate to keep myself moving forward. 

Luckily, I was able to keep myself out of despair and have gleaned some important life lessons from what has happened.  And of course, because I love each and every one of you, I want to share those lessons with you!

1. Don’t let others drag you down with them.  People don’t say, “Misery loves company” just because the words feel nice as they’re coming out of their mouths.  People say that shit because it’s true!  If someone is feeling miserable, they’re going to do everything they can to get at least one other person down in the dumps with them – oftentimes this will be the person they care about the most.  But luckily for you, just like every other party you’re invited to, the invite to the Pity Party is just as easy to decline.  Now, I’m not saying you should turn your back on your loved ones in their time of need, but you do need to realize when your help is actually helping and when it’s just enabling a person to dwell more on the “woe is me”.  When your friend keeps complaining about the same things over and over again but takes no steps to improve the situation, it’s time for you to spend your energy elsewhere.
2. Fuck those negative fuckers.  Taking #1 just a step further, sometimes you have to realize when negative thoughts are engraved into the core of someone you care about.  I have a friend who always says, “You’ll never be happy at the job you work.”  To this I always say a resounding “WTF?”  You work something like 1/3 of your living hours (yes, that is a made up statistic).  Do you really think that your only option is to spend 1/3 of your life being miserable?  When people are resigned to accepting the crap that life throws at them they stop progressing –stop moving forward in their lives.  It’s important to be able to pinpoint who these people are in your life and either a) get them out of your life, or b) realize that these are not the people you want to go to when you need help getting over a bump in the road.  The most successful people in the world are people who surround themselves with other positive and uplifting people.  Try to remove negative influences from your circle as much as possible.
3. Don’t try to change other people.  I’ve been making this mistake a lot lately.  Just because I think I know what someone is doing wrong in their life and just because I think I can see solutions for their problems doesn’t mean I’m right and most importantly, it doesn’t mean I stand a chance of actually helping them to change.  Thankfully I have a good friend who reminded me of this point recently.  He helped me to remember that people are who they are and there is nothing I can do to force them to be anyone else.  I’ll continue to be a cheerleader for their self-improvement but I’m not going to hang my happiness on the contingency that they actually make any of the changes I suggest.
4. Most importantly, keep on being you.  As long as you’re not hurting other people, don’t let the negativity others hurl at you keep you from being the amazingly kick-ass person you are.  Some of us are extremely empathetic so it’s hard not to let the negativity that surrounds us drag us down too.  When you encounter these situations it’s important to remember the good things in your life.  Make a list of the things you love about yourself and keep it posted somewhere if you need a visual reminder.

So my life is turning around.  I’ve got some great things going for me and I feel confident that the darkness of the last few months is now behind me.  Sure, there are days that I wake up and just want to say, “Fuck it!” to life, but they’re fewer and farther between.  I’m going to keep my eyes focused on the goals I have and continue to soak up the positive energy of the people who love me and want the best for me.

Sending positive energy to you all!

Love and kisses,

Annie J

PS - I have internet at my apt now!  Posting should be more regular from here on out :-)

I Try To Be My Best

A while ago, I decided I wasn’t going to censor myself anymore. 

For my early 20’s I spent a lot of time trying to be perfect.  I wanted to be the perfect employee, friend, girlfriend, daughter, writer, singer, and renaissance woman.  What ended up happening is that I ended up being pretty good at a couple of those things (employee and friend) and really shitty at the rest.  My relationship with my family was stunted; my writing was lackluster and void of life; my singing was painful; and my many skills were rarely practiced.  I tried so hard to be someone I’m not that I ended up being only a fraction of myself. 

The best example of this is how I used to act around my family.  Because I was an angtsy and angry teenager/early-20-something, I would begrudgingly put in the obligatory time with them like weekly dinners and holidays but I would never feel like I was truly connected with any of them.  I was always censoring myself.  I wouldn’t talk to them the same way I talked to my friends; I talked to them as I would talk to a church pastor.  I hid parts of my life from them out of fear of their judgment and by doing so I couldn’t find a way to bond with any of my family. 

It wasn’t until I adopted a “love me as I am” view of life that I began to truly enjoy time spent with my family.  Now I’ll tell them about my adventures and share my opinions.  I’m not afraid to shock them and I’m not afraid they’ll judge me.  I’m sure they do judge, but because I’m unapologetic about my lifestyle and am (mostly) supporting myself in a decent life, I know that they don’t hold any of those judgments against me.  Now, the times I spend with my family are some of my most-cherished.

The people who are meant to love you will love you for who you are, not for who you pretend to be – I think I finally understand this.

I’ve also stopped apologizing for my emotions.  While I (typically) always try to be rational and logical, I’ve stopped trying to hide the less rational or logical parts of myself. 

This is not to say that I now routinely go around screaming at people when they’re rude to me or curling up into a ball and crying when they’re cruel to me.  Now, when I have an intense emotion, I share it – but in a calm and rational way.  Whereas the Annie Jay of the past would have either completely hidden the feelings and shied meekly away from whatever was causing the reaction or had a melodramatic breakdown for the entire world to see, the Annie Jay of today presents her feelings as facts to be weighed for consideration by other people. 

Wow I feel like a robot even typing the last part of that sentence, but I swear, it’s more freeing than it sounds.  Let me give you an example -

Instead of tearfully spitting out: I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU GIANT DOUCHE CANOE!

Now, I take a deep breath (or 500 deep breaths depending on the circumstance) and say: I understand that you and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things.  Because of that, I have a hard time relating to you without my feelings getting hurt.  What can we do to get through this together?

It doesn’t always work (because – hey, I’m human) but I try over and over again to be honest about my feelings without alienating the people I’m trying to share them with.  I try to look at emotions as opportunities to experience personal growth. 

I especially try not to hide my positive feelings from people.  Sometimes I feel like positive feelings are hidden away more often than negative ones.  Perhaps this is because we’ve been taught by society not to boast and to be self-depricating instead of gracious.  Praise is seldom shared or accepted wholly.  I try very hard to spread the love instead of bogarting it.

If I love you, I will tell you I love you.  If you did something I liked, I will tell you that you did.  If I’m proud of you, I will tell you I am.  If I’m happy for your success, I will tell you I am (this one is hard when I feel that evil bitch “jealousy” sneak up on me, but even in those instances, I want my friends/family to know I’m happy for their success).  There is enough negativity bringing down the people in my life, I always want to be something to bring them back up. 

So how about you?  Are you still trying to be someone you think you ought to be instead of just trying to be the best YOU you can be?  Or do you have any tips that will help other people to be the best them they can be?  I’d love to hear from you.

Kissy faces,

Annie Jay

PS: Because you're all awesome, I'm guessing you've seen Joss Whedon's beautiful (but short-lived as always...) creation Dollhouse which is where my title comes from.  If you haven't seen it - check it out!

Life, Love, Death and Bravery

This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.  So hard, in fact that it’s taken me three years to be able to complete anything.  There is no way that I can do justice to the memories I have, but I’m going to do my best to honor them.

When I was in fourth grade my brother, Clockwork, and I had two anoles.  Other than goldfish, the anoles were the first pets we’d ever had.  I remember loving that little green lizard - who I’d affectionately named Stitches - with all of my heart.  I remember the heartbreak I felt when Stitches went missing one day.  I mourned the loss of my little friend as much as any 9-year-old can.

This must be when my mother realized that pets were a good way to teach her children about loss.  That’s when we got the kittens.  Two adorable, 8-week-old kittens we named Peanut (because he was nuts) and Amber (because Jurassic Park had just come out and Clockwork and I have always been geeks).  Mom, who’d grown up on a farm where kittens come and go quite regularly, thought that we would have Peanut and Amber for a couple of years and would then learn about grief when the cats went missing.  Little did she know this wouldn’t happen until I was 19-years old and Peanut escaped from the house one night (we still have Amber to this day). 

And when that happened we certainly did learn about loss.  Mom, Dad, my brother and I realized how much our pets had come to mean to us as we grieved for the loss of our kitty.  But even through that grief, my brother and I still hadn’t learned what it was like to lose a family member.  We knew we were lucky – all of our grandparents were still alive and the only family members we had lost were great aunts or uncles that we’d never had an opportunity to bond with.

~~~~~

But all of that changed on Valentine’s Day in 2009. 

On Valentine’s Day, my parents had a party at their house for our extended family and some friends.  My grandmother, Butzie (whose real name is Madonna, but has always been our Butzie), wasn’t able to attend because she’d been sick with a cold for a while and didn’t feel up to going.  After the family function, my boyfriend and I went out to celebrate the holiday.

The next morning, the world came crashing down.

My cell phone rang around seven in the morning.  I picked it up and heard my mom’s voice on the other end of the line.  She was calm as she told me that Butzie had been admitted to the hospital in Madison and that the doctors thought she had some kind of cancer.  My heart sank and I began to sob. 

All I could think of was that it couldn’t be Butzie - that this couldn’t be real.  Of my four living grandparents, she had been the one in the best health.  She was still getting around well, still cracking jokes, still going dancing, still enjoying the occasional whisky and coke. 

Mom told me that she and Dad were heading up to Madison right away and that my brother and I should go up as well.  As I calmed down, my rational brain kicked in and I thought, “Cancer doesn’t mean a death sentence.  Cancer is treatable.  She’s going to be ok.  This isn’t good, but it’s going to be ok in the end.” 

Clockwork and I drove to Madison together.  When we got there, we were greeted by hugs from our somber-faced family.  My mom is one of seven children and I’m one of 16 grandchildren so typically when our family gets together we create quite the ruckus - but not on that day.  My amazing family, usually so full of life and laughter was quiet and buzzing with worry. 

When it was our turn, Clockwork and I went into Butzie’s room to give her our love.  She looked just like herself and was talking just like usual; except that they had her hooked up to machines and her neck was a bit bigger than normal.  We hugged her and kissed her and held her hand and told her she would be ok.  It wasn’t until later that day that we learned what type of cancer she had. 

The doctor’s called it Anaplastic Thyroid Cancer.  Wikipedia says this about the prognosis – “The overall 5-year survival rate of anaplastic thyroid cancer has been given as 7% or 14%, although the latter has been criticized as being overestimated.”  The potential treatments – radiation, chemotherapy, tracheostomy or gastronomy – were all equally horrible to imagine happening to my beautiful grandmother. 

When faced with the prognosis and potential treatments, Butzie made the choice to forgo treatment and live the rest of her life naturally, without the sickness and discomfort the treatments would have caused.  We all learned quickly that this meant our grandmother was not going to be with us for long.

She stayed in the hospital for a few more days, under the doctor’s care.  Those days were some of the worst of my life.  There was my grandmother, lying in a bed, preparing to go into heaven and there I was – expected to go about my life as usual.  Our entire family had work or school we were expected to attend and to go about as if nothing was wrong.

I skipped all of my classes that week – how could I sit in class and try to absorb any information when the heart of my family was living the last days of her life somewhere so far away?  I missed work so I could make the two-hour drive to the hospital in Madison to spend time with my family as we kept vigil in the waiting room of the hospital.  We would take turns spending time in Butzie’s room – making sure someone was holding her hand at all times.

In that time I got to see a different side of my family, a side that I hadn’t ever experienced.  It was during this horribly painful time that I finally realized the beauty of a family – the true support and care you can give and receive from people who you might not have anything in common with other than DNA.  Some of us have completely different views of religion, ethics, or politics, but when it came to love and compassion, we were all on the same page.

After a few days of staying in the hospital, Butzie was taken home where the family could prepare to say our goodbyes.  Each day, the house was filled with family coming and going.  My mom’s family is from a small town in Wisconsin, and it seemed that during that time half of the town was helping to support our family as we prepared to say goodbye to her.  Countless people brought food and drinks, sent flowers and offered compassion for our ailing grandmother.

The days passed in such a blur that it’s hard to remember everything that happened, but I do have a few memories that stick out plainly in my mind: my brother telling Butzie that he had prayed for the first time in over a decade for her pain to be taken away; my grandfather sitting at her bedside and singing quietly as he held her hand; my little cousin Bella cuddled up on the bed next to Butzie and telling her about her day in school. 

And finally, on the day that she slipped into a coma, I remember sitting at the dining room table with my brother and a few of our cousins.  My mom and three of my aunts were in the room with Butzie, taking care of her for a few minutes before letting the family resume our bedside vigil.  My cousins and I were going through old family photos trying to find pictures for the DVD the funeral home was going to make to play during Butzie’s wake.  Even though the last eight days had been a horrific ride for us, we were able to find joy in those old photographs.   We joked and laughed about the pictures and were almost having a good time. 

In those minutes, the mood in the house was borderline lighthearted as our family was coming to peace with the loss we knew we would soon be facing.  It was during that time that one of my aunts came out of the room where Butzie was and called the Hospice nurse to join the 4 ladies in the room with Butzie.   Silence spread through the house as we realized the implications of this small change in what had become the routine of the last few days.   For a few minutes, our family sat together in the dining room, holding hands or crying softly, waiting with trepidation for the ladies to reemerge from the room where Butzie was sleeping. 

When they came out, they let us know that our beloved Butzie had left our world.  We all went to sit with her and held each other as we cried.  We opened a window so her soul could go to Heaven.  Her sisters were called to come and say their last goodbyes.  Even as we waited for the priest and the men from the funeral home to arrive, we never once let go of her hand. 

~~~~~

Three years later, I think our family is still recovering; still regrouping from the tremendous loss we’ve felt after our matriarch was ripped so suddenly from our lives.  But in so many ways, her death was beautiful.  Sure, the cancer was the cause, but she chose to forgo the treatments and to be able to experience her final days on her terms - surrounded by the loving support of all of her family and friends.  Together we shepherded her into the arms of the God she loved so much. 

Eight days is all it took to change my life forever.  I suddenly realized that life can end at any time, for any person.  I learned that if I wanted to achieve the dreams I had for my life, I needed to be working toward those things every day because there is no time to waste. 

Before she slipped into the coma, while she was still in the hospital, there was a time that my cousin Patrick and I were alone with Butzie in her hospital room.  We sat on each side of her bed, each holding one of her hands.  She was still able to speak at this time and what she said to me that day I’ll never forget. 

My grandmother who loved to laugh and dance and listen to Patsy Cline had always had a heart for adventure and a love of romance.  That day, she looked pointedly at Patrick and I and said “Annie, Patrick, I want both of you kids to go out and lead fun and exciting lives.”  We promised her that we would and that promise is one I still try to live up to.

I know my life could end at any time and because of this, I try to live my life in the moment.  I don’t mean this as some sort of immature “I don’t care about the future!” battle cry.  I mean that I don’t let opportunities pass me by.  I work hard so I can play harder.  I plan for the future but live in the present.  I don’t let worries bog down my soul to the point that I’m paralyzed with fear.

When my time comes, I hope to be able to tell my family that I lived a life full of adventure and love.  I hope to be able to go bravely into the next phase of existence like my grandmother did. 

This blog is dedicated to the memory of the woman who taught me what life and death are all about.  To the woman who taught me what love is and most of all – what real bravery and strength look like.  Three years ago today we lost her, but the lessons and love she bestowed upon us will stay with us forever.

Love to you, Butzie,

Annie

What the World Needs Now

In case you didn’t know…

Today is Valentine’s Day!!

(I’ll let you get your groans out…)

I know. I know.  It’s a materialistic, capitalistic, sham of a holiday.  But you know what? 

I love it.

Not for the materialistic, sham-tastical, oh-my-heart-is-a-flutter-with-my-insane-bordering-on-creepy-love-for-this-boy reasons.  Hell, in my entire life I’ve celebrated only 3 Valentine’s Days with a boyfriend (the same boyfriend).  Of those, only one of them was romantic (the first one), one was boring (the third one), and the other was tragic (more on that next week). 

All of my boyfriend-less V-Days have been spent in the company of my good friends or my family.  So really, for me, Valentine’s Day has always been about celebrating the non-romantic but incredibly important love I have in my life.  Of course, I try to make it a point to tell the people I love that I love them often, not just on a particular day of the year.  But there’s something about celebrating non-romantic love on Valentine’s Day that just makes me feel all warm and gooey inside.

Love isn’t about presents – even of the shiny, sweet, sticky, or sweaty varieties – it’s about presence.  Spend time in the company of others and let them know how much that time means to you.  Studies show that people who love people live happier, healthier, longer lives. 

So whether you think Valentine’s Day is a sham or a lame excuse for people to spend ridiculous amounts of money on their significant others, make some time today for the people you love.  Hug them.  Kiss them. Spank them – whatever trips your trigger. 

Hugs, kisses and spankings to you all! Xoxoxo

~Annie Jay