I've been a bit on the silent side of blog land lately. Please rest assured, that it's actually for mostly good reasons. I'm going to tell you all about them in a rambly, cloudy kind of way, so I hope you follow along ;-p
As you know, I moved. It was stressful at a time when stress was just about the only thing I had going on in my life.
You may also be aware that I had a bit of a startling realization a few weeks ago.
Precisely two days later, I had an emotional breakdown in my doctor's office when I went in for a mostly routine exam.
BTW - I'm spectacularly healthy, it turns out. I realize the timing of my disappearance and pending doctor's appointment was probably quite terrible to those I don't talk to all the time. It appears my only health concern was my inability to productively deal with stress for the better part of the last two years.
That night, I talked to Francesca about it, and she helped to set my mind at ease. If you don't have a Francesca, I implore you to please obtain one. A level-headed BFF is just what every woman needs. The next day, even though some things still hurt, I was feeling better about life in general.
Precisely four days after that was my birthday. It being a Wednesday night, my actual birthday celebration was laid back - dinner with Mom and Dad, and visiting Francesca at the Rainbow with Bubbles and Mr. Tight Pants for a drink. That Friday night though, I cut loose and ended up having one of the best birthdays of my adult life - Just me and a group of friends, getting pizza and hitting up a couple of my favorite bars. I woke up feeling like death, but very much loved.
And ever since then, life has been getting amazing.
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| See, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. |
I've been doing those things that I used to do but somehow lost along the way. I've been taking pictures, I've been writing, I've been reading. I've been walking and exploring - and allowing myself to hope again. I've been working my ass off at work and have been feeling the rewards - I'm buzzing with anticipation for good things that I hope are on the horizon for me.
I do find myself worrying - after a year of depression and anxiety - is this all a lie? I wrote about it to my lovely Gracie the other day. I told her that the happiness I've been feeling lately scares me a little - is this happiness and peace just a lie? I suppose it would be easy to see it that way if I tried to convince myself that happiness is a constant and forgot that life is ups and downs. Happiness is attainable - but it will occasionally hide away. I just hope I can hold on to it and enjoy it for a longer span of time right now.
So even though I'm afraid of losing the good feelings - losing the peace - I'm not going to let that fear take hold and keep me from enjoying the peace and happiness I'm feeling right now.
I'm even letting myself consider the idea of romance again. And by that - I mean I think I'm ready for that dive in head first kind of romance that's illogical and painful and probably a bit dangerous but can be so incredibly beautiful that it makes the scary parts even seem less scary.
The other day when Herbert and I took a walk by the river, we got into deep conversations about love and expectations. I realized how silly my last serious relationship had been - A year into the relationship, there were not only warning signs, but flashing DANGER lights that we'd both chosen to ignore because neither of us wanted to be the bad guy and finally end things. After those lights started flashing, it took me two more years of diffidence before I got up the courage to finally do what had to be done.
I definitely deserve to live my life with a passion deeper than mere resentful tolerance.
And I'm taking the same stance with other relationships in my life. I've begun limiting my exposure to the relationships which do not bring out the best in me. I know I have my fair share of blame in how things in my life turn out, but I don't need to punish myself by allowing in more negativity more than I have to. I want to be the Sword of Gryffindor and take in only that which makes me stronger.
I feel like I forgot how to take action in the last year - like I forgot I had power within me to make things better. But now, I have my ideas before me and I just need to keep taking action - keep focusing on things that are within my control and how I can improve them.
Is it just me, or does it feel like change is in the air?
Much much love,
Annie Jay
PS - Lately I've also been thinking a lot about Kanye West and how I want to help make the world a better place. I realize those two topics may seem mutually exclusive, but I promise, I'll explain soon. xoxoxo
PPS - Yes, I love my new apartment. Life just feels easier here and I feel safer - the building's on lock down and the hallways are littered with cameras - I haven't even taken my sword out of its sheath since I moved in. I didn't even realize just how unsafe I used to feel until I started regularly walking around the new apartment with all of the lights turned off and wouldn't even feel a tingle of anxiety. Plus, I wake up and go to sleep every night, surrounded by beauty - you can't help but feel happier when the aesthetics are exactly what you need.
PPPS - I didn't title this post until just now. Now I'm going to have to buy a new copy of Ace of Base's album The Bridge because the one I got 20ish years ago is beyond readable. Maybe I should bump my Ace of Base addiction into the 21st century and go digital....
